klove, the truth about this should of course be pursued. We always recommend a polygraph to BSs whose WS has lied and confused the details to the point where the BS does not know what happened during the affair. We also recommend them when there is a suspicion of another affair as in your case, if it is thought that the WS won't come clean on his or her own.

You are entitled to know the truth about your own marriage, and if you are correct to ask for a polygraph if you've been bamboozled by your WS in the past. We would always suport you on that.

You see, this was not clear from your initial question to this thread, or even when you mentioned the possibility of another affair later.

If you had made it clear that you were talking about a possible hidden affair, you would have been told to go for a polygraph right away.

Please arrange one now, using the advice on the thread that BrainHurts linked, and also HerPapaBear's advice to consult with the polygraph tester about the questions. Polygraphs tests are very much supported here and by Dr Harley where lying about, or hiding, an affair is an issue.

I would say that your wife is contributing to the problem but "sprinkling you with truth nuggets."

We have another poster whose wife did something similar... for a couple years.

That recovery has limped along in a crippled state because of this.


It also appears that your wife is a serial adulteress.


So... given that, I would suggest laying out a timeline for your marriage, and questions you may have... and, yes, schedule a polygraph. Folks here can help you set up your questions.

Let your wife know that you are going to have her do a polygraph, and some time before the test, give her an opportunity to be honest.


And, once the polygraph is completed... once all the affairs and info are laid out... it's time to stop bringing it up, and focus on PREVENTING FUTURE AFFAIRS.

klove, you are getting good advice. Make an appt for a polygraph and 2 days before the test hand your wife a list of your questions and ask her to answer them all honestly before the test. Make it clear you expect her to pass the test but you are giving her one last chance to come clean.

The polygraph will only have 2-3 questions, but one of those questions MUST BE: are there any other affairs your husband does not know about?

Make that one of the questions on your list. Keep your list focused on FACTS and not feelings.

Agree. This is recipe for disaster. It is a death of a thousand cuts that will keep you both triggered for YEARS. You just need the general facts about the affair and if she remembers some crumb later, she needs to just keep it to herself.

My understanding is that the problem is less about the facts of the known affair and more about the suspected unknown affair. I think that a hidden affair is a vital fact for any BS to pursue.

Agreed!

Exactly.

Have you snooped?

I will talk to her tonight. I am not going to do polygraph, just going to move on doing just paternity test for the kids and move on. There is no evidence of another affair, just a gut feeling. I will be satisfied with a confirmed paternity for my kids.

What are you going to talk to her about tonight?

That I'm not going to do polygraph and that I don't want to hear more about the affair.

Klove: You wrote


But then you referred to "the affair" in answer to Prisca's question, as if you knew there was only 1 affair:


Have you resigned yourself to believing your FWW's claim that there was only 1 affair? Your suspicions regarding an undisclosed affair are perfectly legitimate. If your plan is to simply try to squelch those suspicions, I'm afraid it won't work. And it could actually cripple your recovery. You may always wonder if she has been hiding the fact that she actually had more than 1 affair, and dragging you through a false recovery.

Moreover, you said that openness and honesty is an important emotional need of yours. Dr. Harley is very clear that spouses have an obligation to meet each other's most important emotional needs, and dishonesty is a huge lovebuster. If you allow this situation to continue indefinitely, I'm afraid it could eventually cause you to fall out of love with her.

Last nigt we talked and I told her that I won't do a polygraph, but that if she lies now and I find out then we are through. She has a large self preservation instinct naturally and being 7 months pregnant it is even greater and I'm trusting that. I will do a paternity test this week or next and I am confidant that I will now be able to move forward.

I didn't realize your wife is currently pregnant. Regardless of whether her pregnancy could affect the results of a polygraph test, I wouldn't recommend it until after the new baby has been delivered. However, I would definitely recommend it at that time. (She may believe that you will immediately leave if she tells you the whole truth, and since she is pregnant, she can't bring herself to take that risk at this time.)

Are you just planning to do a paternity test on the 2 older children, or are you also planning to do a paternity test on the new baby after it is born?

Ok - for one thing, you should notify the mods, and have this merged with your main thread.

Secondly - I see no indication that you ever exposed your wife's most recent affair.

Bud, you have GOT to do this to protect your marriage, and keeping it a secret will only DRIVE YOUR RESENTMENT.

Trust me.

You don't have to mention anything about questionable paternity, but with your wife's history, you NEED they eyes of friends and family to help protect and preserve your marriage.


There has been kind of a lacksy-daisy approach to implementing the steps here, and it has set you back, dude.


Again, given her history, I wouldn't quite call off a poly yet.


Your marriage needs radical change... and your wife needs transparency and accountability, not "trust."

We will also be doing paternity test on the baby.

We exposed and it went well as the affair was over and we were already working on recovery. I am thankful that I didn't have to go through what some other members did trying to end the affair.

Right now we have too many medical bills coming up with the pregnancy to be able to afford the Poly, and I am satisfied with the current arrangements.

Threads merged.

I'm so glad the threads were merged because your statements have been very contradictory! In a different thread, you admitted that you never did a full exposure. Now, you are claiming that you did. Which is true? And in a different thread, you claimed that you knew she already had at least 2 affairs, but you later referred to "the affair," suggesting you believe there was only 1 affair. In addition, you previously wrote that you were unsure of the new baby's paternity. But in a different thread, you said you would be satisfied if you knew the older children's paternity, and said you would let the subject drop once that testing was done. You said you were having it done within the next few weeks, which means you planned to drop the subject before the new baby was born and able to have a paternity test.

Your wife has had 2 affairs that you've disclosed to us, and I suspect she's had more affairs than that. Obviously, your refusal to properly expose your wife's affairs has been enabling her. Moreover, you aren't even giving straight answers here. For example, when MelodyLane explained that your wife shouldn't be going to a gym to workout (especially since your wife began one of her affairs at a gym!), you responded that your wife had quit the gym. However, you neglected to mention that your wife had simply quit that gym and then joined a new gym! (You must have forgotten you'd disclosed that in a different post.)

Posting contradictory statements in multiple threads is not going to help you save your marriage.

Jessica, She had a one night stand in 2003 and a 6 month affair ending in feb. I was concerned of other affairs. I exposed after those posts questioning exposure.

I am doing paternity tests on our two children as I have believed them to be mine and with last affair now question it. I have been planning on doing paternity test on baby from the beginning as I have known his paternity is in question since Feb. Only now questioning other two kids paternity.

Wife quit gym where other man goes and we both joined a very small community center that has a few weights and a great pool for the kids.

Statements are only contradictory if you assume nothing happens unless it is posted about here.

We have to assume based on the information that is posted here, though. We aren't mind readers, dude.

There are are prescribed steps to work this out, and if you don't tell us that you have taken them, we will not assume that you have. We will assume that you have not.

Clear as mud?