Greetings to all -

Don't know how many here will remember me - and probably it isn't important but if you want the background (the last time I posted was December '09), the links are below from most recent post (12/09) to the beginning about a year earlier.

Anyway. I've been divorced now since January 2010, and in Plan B the whole time with the exception of 4 emails, 3 of which were just "business". The last one was in February of this year, on the 10th anniversary of the death of a mutual friend when I sent him a note about it and wished him well (which felt good). He responded and wished me well too. I didn't respond; had said what I wanted to say.

ExH is still with OW. I have no insight about the relationship other than the stepkids (to whom I remain close) go see him occasionally and the relationship seems stable. I haven't seen him since Dec. 09 and haven't ever seen the two of them together other than one time before DDay; I have avoided any such "opportunity".

Now my peace and quiet in that regard appears destined to end, as my stepdaughter is to be married in August. I'll be there of course and so will he. Presumably, so will OW although I'm not sure about that since he sometimes doesn't bring her to family events. (The A and D, and at the core of it all, his alcoholism - shattered his relationship with his parents and strained his relationship with his siblings; also further damaged his relationship with 3 of his 4 children. It is sad.)

I plan to focus on the bride - but there's no ignoring it; I know I will be thinking about the family we had. I still love the person he was but not who he became; I have absolutely no doubts about the "Plan B" letter I wrote in November 08. Those conditions still hold for any kind of relationship and still have not been met, nor do I believe they ever will be. Even if they were...I've forgiven him but he would have to do so much work for me to consider letting him back into my life even as a friend that I can't even imagine it.

So my problem is simply that I'm afraid to see them together, or afraid to see him, period. The downside of not ever having seen him is I'm afraid it will be a trigger (PTSD was real and clinical - massive sleep disturbance for years, flashbacks, severe depression...all followed by advanced melanoma which while not attributable to the A or D was not helped by the stress, etc.)

I'm just afraid of re-experiencing that pain. It's that simple.

That said, I've spent 5 years first falling apart and then putting my life back together again, and things are much better, and so I am. I've pulled out of depression, got well from the cancer, have slowly dug out of 75% of the debt I was in, enjoy my music and writing, etc. Still spend too much time alone but am doing better with friends.

I will always be grateful to the support I received here at MB and so have returned - a sort of "drive by" as I'm looking for help thinking about this - from folks who have seen their X's again after a long time...how did you think about it? What worked, what didn't, how did you get through it?

The truth is that I know myself well enough to know I'll go and be outwardly strong, focus on the wedding and my SD and other stepchildren and granddaughter - and I'll enjoy seeing some of his family again. If I feel overwhelmed I can step away and cry even if needed, then come back, though I'm hoping I don't need to do that. I'm not worried about falling apart again - my life has been moving upward and this won't perturb that - just scared of the moment when I see him/them.

Thoughts? Comments?

I hope that some of my old friends here are doing well.

M

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2185101&page=1

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2150815&page=1

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2284023&page=1

I would not go.

Take the bride to be out for a lunch before or after the wedding and give her your love. Offer her best wishes.

I would not go at all. Don't put yourself through that. Just think of the anxiety leading up to it and then the event itself? Don't go!!!

Please plug up those Plan B holes. Emailing him should never happen. If you need to contact him for anything (which sounds like you don't need to) then send it through an IM, but it should only be legit reasons (kids or finances).

DO NOT GO TO THE WEDDING!!!!

All the healing you've done will be gone. It will take YOU back to your original Dday.

Please put yourself first and take the bride out for her "special day". Explain it to her and I'm sure she will understand.

Miriam, your answer is here:


Don't subject yourself to this. This isn't a fear you have to overcome. There are some women who are strong enough to face this type of event and be emotionally healthy afterwards. Other women can't bear the emotional pain that comes with this sort of event.

There's nothing wrong with being the latter.

Can you arrange to spend a special day with the bride and groom just before the wedding? Maybe take them out to a champagne and eggs breakfast the morning of the wedding? Would that be comfortable for you?

(And then find something to occupy your time during the wedding, so you're not dwelling.)

And, we know you don't want to hear this. You want a glimpse of him, the family.
They have meant the world to you. They were your world until your ex trashed it all.

We know that.

Protect yourself though and don't convince yourself you would be going for the bride.

Miriam,

If the stepdaughter understands the affairs your WexH then just offer to have lunch or dinner with her before as smartly suggested by others.

If not this is a good time to set the record straight. There's a chance this might result in the OW being dis-invited.

God Bless
Gamma

Tough one.

I think it all depends on the relationship you have with your step daughter. You said you are close. If that is the case, I would be there for her, and I would not want to miss her wedding. Obviously, I would keep as far away as possible from the ex and his affair partner. Nothing can avoid this triggering you.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You have done so well dealing with it all.

God bless.