Have you gone over these with him yet?

Yes Brain, I did - the day I posted them and Prisca helped me to fix them. He agreed with them, and I believe only modified one of them slightly.

From what I see, I do believe your defensiveness has gotten better. Probably still present somewhat.

I will point out that, for the most part, in addition to reading, responding, answering questions, you have also been following the suggestions made to you! Certainly hoping this continues.


Yes, I think you are doing the right thing. I think the point the other posters were making was for you to be aware of the emotional impact that being sarcastic and disrespectful to your husband has on him when it comes down to something related to extraordinary precautions, like your telephone, or anywhere else where you need to be transparent. Plenty of people are probably appalled by the "phone police" comment.

Have you asked him to please sit down and ask you all his questions he has?

Then once you've answered ALL his questions completely and honestly then you both must never talk about the affair again and follow the steps for recovery.

Good job.

Which one was modified?

Was he enthusiastic about them?

It needs to go away completely.

Would you be willing to do a lie detector test?

Not yet, we normally put it on credit but its maxed, we did figure out though that we can get a Kobo gift card and put it on that so we will do that tonight after work.

Please exlain how you are doing so. Specifically.



Also, are you studying the POJA, RH (I mean REALLY focusing on these) and UA meeting EN's?

I did ask, he said he's not ready yet, that he doesn't have a list yet. I told him I'm ready at any time.

It's $9.99 on Amazon.

I know it probably can't wait until this, but if you're a caller on the show they will send you a book for free.

Yes

My total transparency is/are:
-No privacy
-Phone plan switched to allow for him to heck with our provider all in/out going calls/texts
-No social media - FB has been blocked
- spyware - he will look into it and has said it will make him feel a bit better
- 24 hour schedule with all contact numbers at all times
- I call when I get to work or am on the way, I call when I leave so he knows when to expect me
- I go no where without him with me now ie. groceries, gym

I posted my EP's - sorry - the ones I listed are how I'm trying to handle the transparency - no good? Or ok?

I can't tell from this response if you are really getting it or not.

Regardless of whatever the issue or story is, if you are AT ALL defensive when being questioned or when your BS is trying to examine any aspect of your life (email, phone, whatever) this is going to cause big problems in your R.

So I would not do that anymore (become agitated, defensive, etc), period.

I see that Susie, - thank you, I will not be defensive anymore - I just want help to fix my marriage.

There is another future issue in your marriage that should probably be addressed soon. It is one that casues the most stress in marraige.

Finances.

RNR has taken a lesser paying job and you said your credit is maxed. I suggest doing a financial program to help you curb spending, budget, and be happy with less. The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey is good. I fear if you don't then the NEW stress of finances, combined with the stress about the affair may be too much.

(That's actually in disagreement with what Dr. Harley says.)

I will put that program on the list of "to gets" as we'll. thank you.

Worry about finances after you've started recovery and have your marriage on track.

Not a bad list. Really, it falls back into your H's hands as to if these things make him feel safe or not.

The idea of MB's is for you and your H to build and integrated lifestyle where there is no chance of either of you having a Secret Second Life.

A life in which there are No secrets at all in your M.

Some don't realize that "omission' is also lying. You know..leaving OUT important details of your life.

My FWW lied to my face many, many times...however most of her lying was by Omission where she just hid facts. Actually these were more damaging.

Also there is a distinction between Privacy and Secrecy. Privacy is going to the restroom with the door closed.

What you have done to your H is the worst possible thing you could ever do to someone you love. Dr Harley has counseled people who have experienced both A and losing a child and have said an A is more painful. Your husband should not trust you right now. It is up to YOU to prove to him you will always take his feelings into account with every decision you make and NEVER hurt him again.

Please, I implore you�if you intend to follow through on using MB�s and not hurting him again GO FOR IT..Honestly. IF in your heart you don�t think you can really do it�just tell him. Please. Only you know what is really in your heart of hearts. This is going to be a LONG journey. 2-5 years with many ups and downs.

Just be honest with yourself and with him. Isn�t it about time? Don�t you owe it to him and yourself to do the right thing here? What he is doing for YOU to even consider R is more gracious than you will ever know. Trust me. I am living it.

You should thank him every day for what he is doing. Start becoming an expert at meeting his needs and eliminate ALL LB�s.

You in it for the long-haul? Can you do this?