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all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
Why would she do that? What would she do with the money?
Some men have been known to do that, when they were running away with OW. I haven't heard of a woman doing that. Women who get dumped by OM have nowhere to go, so why would they clean out any accounts?
However, open an account for yourself and keep an eye on your joint account. If any money disappears, take some money out for yourself and then put a block on the joint accounts. Report the credit card as stolen if she goes on a spree with it.
all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
Be at the bank when they open in the morning then, and open another account. Transfer at least half of the money into your own acct. Call and cancel the credit cards tonight. Better safe than sorry.
hbw.....
YOU CANNOT SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY. YOU HAVE TO MAN UP RIGHT NOW, AND EXPOSE! This is the single, most important, thing you need to do right now.
You will hate yourself if you cower to this man, your wife, and this dirty disgusting affair. Take charge!!
D-yr fall 06-fall 07 Separated 10/2010 Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011 Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012
After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
When your wife comes back pissed as heck at you for exposing don't -apologize -have an angry outburst -yell Do -Offer her a cup of coffee or some potato chips -Tell her you will not tolerate an affair
Divorce lawyers get paid to help you divorce.
Avoid contacting OM now, especially in person cause I imagine prison sucks. As much as POSOM deserves to be put in a hurt locker and have his testicles crushed and/or cut off, doing so will hurt your family more than it is worth.
please see my other response about this. i do not want to get into legal trouble for doing something like this. i also know, even though i'm 99.999999% sure my marriage is over, that if i do contact this guy or his wife that there's no possibility of reconciling with my wife at that point.
No, you have this backwards, Sir. You will not save your marriage if you DON'T expose the affair. It is not illegal in any western nation to tell the truth.
Just know that you probably won't make it if you don't expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret only serves to ENABLE the affair. The longer you enable the affair, the harder it will be to save your marriage.
Please go read my exposure thread to get tips and tactics on how to properly expose. If you don't expose, it is very likely you will end up divorced. Those of us here who are in recovered marriages all attribute it to exposure.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I no longer post much here, but have been a part of these forums for a long time. I did not expose my wife's affair and it is the biggest regret of my life. She never did have to face the full consequences of her actions.
Even though we are still married, we have little in the way of a relationship. She doesn't respect me and I don't respect her. She never hit "rock bottom" as a result of her affair, and my resentment runs deep.
These people posting to you are forum veterans. They have seen and heard it all. Your situation, sadly, is all too common. It is also fixable, as it's not a long term affair with no roots.
Get yourself together. Listen to these people advising you to expose. Rehearse, do whatever it takes, then drop the bomb. All at once with no warning whatsoever. Call anyone/everyone who is/are friends of your marriage.
Key factor...you are exposing out of love for your wife and marriage, and doing the exposure to end the affair. This is not an act of revenge.
Not once have I seen any legal consequences to the exposure process here on the forums, when done as an act to save a marriage.
best wishes...
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
here's a question... i have the phone # of the guy that did this. but i don't need his i need his wife's phone #. how do i go about getting that?
Do this STRATEGICALLY. Go read through my exposure thread, make a list of exposure targets, find the OM's facebook page, find phone #s, email addresses, review talking points and MAKE A PLAN.
Be strategic rather than reactive and emotional about this. Can you do that, Sir?
Go make your plan and come back and show us your plan. Read my exposure thread FIRST. It is very clear and concise and will help you in developing a plan. You are right, it is a very emotional endeavor, so you need to be surefooted and have a PLAN.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
another thing occurred to me... this just happened 5 days ago. all of my wife's and my finances are co-mingled. direct deposit, credit cards, everything. i can't imagine exposing this as you all are suggesting would be a very good idea when she could clean out all our accounts.
Go to the bank tomorrow and quietly move any large amounts of money to a safe place.
After you expose the affair, I would call up the OM and have a come to Jesus with him. [in person is even better if he lives close by! Just leave your pistol in the car] Tell him that hell is coming his way and if he doesn't back off, he will be hearing from you in a HUGE WAY.
Here is the message you need to convey to this POS:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Key factor...you are exposing out of love for your wife and marriage, and doing the exposure to end the affair. This is not an act of revenge.
Amen, great post, shattereddreams. Good to see you!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
When your wife comes back pissed as heck at you for exposing don't -apologize -have an angry outburst -yell Do -Offer her a cup of coffee or some potato chips -Tell her you will not tolerate an affair
Remember the above hbw.
Never apologize for fighting for your wife, and your marriage.
After your exposures, when you get a chance, you can tell your wife you have a plan to have a better marriage. Be sure to read up on that here first though.
D-yr fall 06-fall 07 Separated 10/2010 Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011 Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012
After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
Listen, There is no one more that I want justice to be served on than the OM in my wives affair. I have thought many thoughts, but I just know that it will just show that the affair your wife had made you loose control and get physical...you need to strong my friend.
Expose to this guys wife...let her continue the exposure because she will..and set the ground rules with your wife....affair must end or get out of my life until it does...yep I told all who should know about this because In case you didn't know I am fighting for you and my marriage.
You feel the pain of this, imagine how the other wife feels not sure even knowing this went on..expose in a respectful way...leave the other male alone...he wants to see you loose it....
Actually, Dr. Harley recommends contacting the OM personally, but in a non-physical way. You can read about it here.... I encourage BHs to contact the OM
I wouldn't do it without a plan ahead of time though, and a clear and calm head. Maybe even do it with a buddy who will make sure you don't pummel the guy.
Don't worry about the OM right now though. Just his wife bhw.
D-yr fall 06-fall 07 Separated 10/2010 Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011 Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012
After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
i truly genuinely appreciate the advice that you all have given.
i am not ready to commit to exposing this to god and earth. i'm still holding out that my wife is going to tell me this friday(the first time we're supposed to speak since monday) that she wants to fix this. i'm a fool. i know this. i'm too scared to face the scenario where my wife is no longer in my life.
i have this "plan" in my head at the moment...
wait until friday to see what my wife says. two scenarios.
a - i want to fix this - then we'll immediately get into counseling and go from there.
b - she wants to end it. i know this is what's going to happen. if this does happen then it's fair game, in my mind, to contact the guys wife, and expose everything else as you all have said.
it may not be a good plan. in my current mind state it's what i can come up with that i can my head wrapped around. i'm already not eating. i'm heavily drinking. and i'm taking a lot of xanax to try and sleep at night. the only thing that's going to make any of this worse is when my wife tells me what i already know she's going to.
focus on saving your marriage, not on satiating your need to pummel someone who desperately deserves it.
Can you show me where anyone told him to beat up the OM?? Where does it say that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
No, you do not save it for later. First you expose and THEN he confronts the OM. It doesn't do it later.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
i truly genuinely appreciate the advice that you all have given.
i am not ready to commit to exposing this to god and earth. i'm still holding out that my wife is going to tell me this friday(the first time we're supposed to speak since monday) that she wants to fix this. i'm a fool. i know this. i'm too scared to face the scenario where my wife is no longer in my life.
i have this "plan" in my head at the moment...
wait until friday to see what my wife says. two scenarios.
a - i want to fix this - then we'll immediately get into counseling and go from there.
b - she wants to end it. i know this is what's going to happen. if this does happen then it's fair game, in my mind, to contact the guys wife, and expose everything else as you all have said.
it may not be a good plan. in my current mind state it's what i can come up with that i can my head wrapped around. i'm already not eating. i'm heavily drinking. and i'm taking a lot of xanax to try and sleep at night. the only thing that's going to make any of this worse is when my wife tells me what i already know she's going to.
I am sorry, but that is not a plan to save your marriage. That is a plan to avoid conflict. The longer you keep the affair a secret, the less likely you will be to save your marriage.
Counseling will not help your marriage. And if she does want to save your marriage, you still need to expose it.
I want to implore you to take our advice. You do not have any earthly idea how to save your marriage and as such, are making strategic mistakes that will lessen your chances of saving your marriage.
Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience saving marriages from infidelity. He would tell you it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
i truly genuinely appreciate the advice that you all have given.
i am not ready to commit to exposing this to god and earth. i'm still holding out that my wife is going to tell me this friday(the first time we're supposed to speak since monday) that she wants to fix this. i'm a fool. i know this. i'm too scared to face the scenario where my wife is no longer in my life.
i have this "plan" in my head at the moment...
wait until friday to see what my wife says. two scenarios.
a - i want to fix this - then we'll immediately get into counseling and go from there.
b - she wants to end it. i know this is what's going to happen. if this does happen then it's fair game, in my mind, to contact the guys wife, and expose everything else as you all have said.
it may not be a good plan. in my current mind state it's what i can come up with that i can my head wrapped around. i'm already not eating. i'm heavily drinking. and i'm taking a lot of xanax to try and sleep at night. the only thing that's going to make any of this worse is when my wife tells me what i already know she's going to.
So you knowingly will not tell the other victim in this? The OMBW?
You will start to feel better when you do the right thing.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
Where does it say that?