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The reason I keep going round and round on this is not to wear the patience of people out here.

1.He has cut off contact with office co worker/ow#2 and says he doesn't want contact.

2. He has stated he knows the pain he caused, the upset, that his actions were very wrong. he is sorry, doesn't want to do anything more like that. He has stopped.

3. No, he is not likely to do a lie detector. He is still lying. I personally think more went on with coworker, and he is afraid I will know. No, he does not want to admit what he is doing out of shame for it. Is this needed by me. I would like to know.

4. He has things to sort out with the ex. He avoids her as much as possible. Since he has not sorted his asset and custody issues, he is not able ( in his mind) to actually cut off all contact. I actually believe he wants to.

So the tripping point over and over.. he does not want to be directly on the recieving end of what he feels is blaming and venting.

How about someone here give me an example of how to approach the guy when I trigger and all I am doing is crying and upset and scared something may happen again, or I suddenly put 2+2 together and realize 3 years ago I was lied about something important while he was carrying on the affair with the ex.

What do I actually DO with what I suddenly understand or realize, or my fear and pain?

What do I say to him.

I want to know if I truely am doing it in a way that a small change in my own actions would make all of the difference.


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What actions has he DONE?

How you deal with a guy when you're very emotional?

You don't. You go into a very dark Plan B.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Atlanta14
The reason I keep going round and round on this is not to wear the patience of people out here.

1.He has cut off contact with office co worker/ow#2 and says he doesn't want contact.

2. He has stated he knows the pain he caused, the upset, that his actions were very wrong. he is sorry, doesn't want to do anything more like that. He has stopped.

3. No, he is not likely to do a lie detector. He is still lying. I personally think more went on with coworker, and he is afraid I will know. No, he does not want to admit what he is doing out of shame for it. Is this needed by me. I would like to know.

4. He has things to sort out with the ex. He avoids her as much as possible. Since he has not sorted his asset and custody issues, he is not able ( in his mind) to actually cut off all contact. I actually believe he wants to.

So the tripping point over and over.. he does not want to be directly on the recieving end of what he feels is blaming and venting.

How about someone here give me an example of how to approach the guy when I trigger and all I am doing is crying and upset and scared something may happen again, or I suddenly put 2+2 together and realize 3 years ago I was lied about something important while he was carrying on the affair with the ex.

What do I actually DO with what I suddenly understand or realize, or my fear and pain?

What do I say to him.

I want to know if I truely am doing it in a way that a small change in my own actions would make all of the difference.

What we are saying to you is that you should not be dealing with him AT ALL. He is dangerous to your mental health.

This is not about you changing your behavior; this is all about him changing his behavior and meeting your conditions. He won't do that.

He doesn't care.

We already know what he has done. He has done nothing.

1. refuses to tell you the truth about his affair

2. refuses to take a polygraph

3. refuses to end his affair with his XW

4. doesn't even admit the truth about his affair with his most recent OW

5. his solution to your pain is to tell you to shut up because he doesn't hear it anymore

There is nothing here except more abuse and more demonstrations of an uncaring, cruel, callous attitude.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Isn't it interesting how someone can miss the point that mutual care in marriage is the only kind of care that makes sense? When your husband tells you that he wants you to care for him by suffering so he can have what he wants, he doesn't understand that this expectation means that he doesn't care about you. And that's the point."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Atlanta14
So the tripping point over and over.. he does not want to be directly on the recieving end of what he feels is blaming and venting.

He acts like he is the victim. YOU are the victim. He is the rapist who claims he is the victim because his rape victim cries about the rape. "All that crying gives me a headache!" dramaqueen

Do you know how sick it is for your husband to complain about YOU after what he has done to you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Really? everyone here who was cheated on and presented with an OC didn't tell their cheating spouse how bad it felt and the pain doesn't go away just because they stopped cheating?


You just go Plan B? I should Plan B until I don't hurt anymore or I Go Plan D?

Ok. He is right. I am a broken record meant to torture him with my every week upset over realizing the credit card is maxed and the money in the emergency account is gone because his ex wife want to go on vacation and after all, it was HIS money too.

I should not say anything about how disappointed I am, how long it took to save, how it was meant for emergencys, not carting off some ow skank to the bahamas.



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haha, Melody. He told me to go tell someone else how bad I feel. I did. Now I should tell him this is what the person I told said about it.

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YOU CANNOT RECOVER WITHOUT KNOWING THE FULL TRUTH ABOUT HIS INFIDELITIES. YES, YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS STUFF.

My ex had the same arguments. I told him poly or divorce. He said divorce. Three days later changed his mind. Shortly before the poly, he sung like a canary and I found out about more affairs.

He had every excuse in the book, just like your H, to not protect our marriage as well with E.P.s.

Remorseful FWHs will quit their jobs, quit seeing an ex, quit whatever situation is necessary to reconcile.

Maybe you should put a timeframe on those conditions. Give him 30 days to clear up any assets they share, get a poly, or you walk. Anything less than your conditions ARE HALF MEASURES.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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Originally Posted by Atlanta14
Really? everyone here who was cheated on and presented with an OC didn't tell their cheating spouse how bad it felt and the pain doesn't go away just because they stopped cheating?


You just go Plan B? I should Plan B until I don't hurt anymore or I Go Plan D?

When your cheater spouse refuses to meet the necessary conditions for recovery, you go to Plan B *AND* Plan D.

Quote
I should not say anything about how disappointed I am, how long it took to save, how it was meant for emergencys, not carting off some ow skank to the Bahamas

That's right. Just take yourself of the picture. Shut the door and don't speak to him AT ALL. Not about the affair and not about the price of tea in China.

Go into a dark Plan B and don't speak to him again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know how sick it is. His point back is ok, he heard me, he knows I hurt, he is sorry he did it. Then he says what is the point of telling him again, he already KNOWS. He stopped the actions causing the upset.

He already knows, now go tell someone else instead of "dumping your emotions on me."

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Originally Posted by Atlanta14
haha, Melody. He told me to go tell someone else how bad I feel. I did. Now I should tell him this is what the person I told said about it.

You can do soooooooooooooooo much better. What makes you think you can't have a husband who loves you and can make you happy?

Do you think you deserve this misery? Leave him to his mistresses.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Atlanta14
Really? everyone here who was cheated on and presented with an OC didn't tell their cheating spouse how bad it felt and the pain doesn't go away just because they stopped cheating?


You just go Plan B? I should Plan B until I don't hurt anymore or I Go Plan D?

When your cheater spouse refuses to meet the necessary conditions for recovery, you go to Plan B *AND* Plan D.

Quote
I should not say anything about how disappointed I am, how long it took to save, how it was meant for emergencys, not carting off some ow skank to the Bahamas

That's right. Just take yourself of the picture. Shut the door and don't speak to him AT ALL. Not about the affair and not about the price of tea in China.

Go into a dark Plan B and don't speak to him again.
Exactly Atlanta.



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Atlanta14
I know how sick it is. His point back is ok, he heard me, he knows I hurt, he is sorry he did it. Then he says what is the point of telling him again, he already KNOWS. He stopped the actions causing the upset.

No, he did not stop the hurtful actions. Telling you shut up is hurtful, isn't it?

Quote
He already knows, now go tell someone else instead of "dumping your emotions on me."

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

From Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Bill Harley


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your abuser husband is a FREELOADER.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You just go Plan B? I should Plan B until I don't hurt anymore or I Go Plan D?

YES. If you ever hope to be happy.

When they don't provide just compensation, yes. Dr. Harley doesn't recommend reconciliation without it. For good reason.

YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

He has brainwashed you so bad you can't see the forrest through the trees.



D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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"Help is very convenient word. No matter what I do if you don't feel better you always can say I don't help. I'm tired of it. Atm I don't gave capacity to listen all things I heard already before, I am sorry, find somebody else to listen to your story."

My husband's words.

Well, just compensation for me is him listening. I asked him what is the problem? He already knows I am upset. I said the best thing he could do is tell me calmly that he is there, he is hearing me, he knows I am hurting, when I am calm enough to really talk, then he is also there.

For me the constant deflecting,the rages to derail the topic, the massive dramas.. blaming me back,mocking me, putting me down...all I hear is shut up shut up and I am worthless.

And he would tell me that HE never told me I am worthless OR to shut up. smirk

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Freeloader = worthless


There is nothing to save here.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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Atlanta, he isn't saying you are worthless, he is saying "you don't matter TO ME. You are worthless TO ME"

Find someone who will see you for what you are, not ask you to move because you are blocking the mirror. He is Dorian Grey and he sees you as his painting.


Me: 34 BH
Her: 31 FWW
DD (6)
DS (3)
D-day 2/2/13

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You would get all of that from a remorseful FWH, after the all the truth was out.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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Atlanta,

This could be your life down the road.....

I just now received this from my BF in an email on a topic we're dealing with, and he has no idea that we've been discussing "worth" on this thread.

Quote
Honey,

You are worth waiting for.

I love you.

There ARE loving, giving, empathetic, caring men out there.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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