So far he seems to think he doesn't even have to try, so it's not safe for her to live with him. I think she made the right choice; I hope her plan is to separate until he gets help and eliminates his angry outbursts. That is exactly what Dr. Harley advises in cases like this.

I was also an angry man with a WW. My wife asked me to leave the house last year because of my angry outbursts. I'm glad she did! 10 months AO free, and we are happier than ever. Dr. Harley said on the private forum that he thought the separation my wife devised was a great plan.

Anyway, he's not serious at all about eliminating angry outbursts. I could barely get answers out of him on the subject. For example, I still don't have an answer from him as to why he "phoned the police to show his wife he was not scared of them." That was ridiculous juvenile threatening behavior, although at least a step up from the day when he assaulted her and dragged her out of their house, leaving enough bruises that the police asked if she wanted to file charges.

I've got what I think is a better question: RNR, are you willing to be separated from your wife until you eliminate angry outbursts? Are you willing to get anger management therapy to learn to eliminate them? Have you contacted Dr. Harley?

On my Dday, describing my Anger would be like calling the Pacific Ocean a pond. I completely flew off the handle. (NEVER physical though)

The months following I had many AO's and had to learn to control my anger. I still struggle with it from time to time but use relaxation techniques to calm myself down.

However, we were able to work through these times and find ways to resolve our issues calmly.

RNR�s wife (in my eyes) was not showing the right attitude to start R.

Just saying...

You are right, that is really the question. Why did she leave?


It might be easy to assume she left because of his AO's.


It could also be that the A is still active or she just doesn't want to R at this point. Maybe she sees no hope of ever recovering their M.


RNR??

Dr. Harley advises a wife to separate from her husband if he is having AOs and won't get help for them. He especially advises her to separate from him if she is WW and he is physically violent, because when a violent husband catches his wife with an affair the risks are too high for them to try to recover while living together. RNR has been physically violent.

She left because WE told her to leave if he didn't get help for his AOs.

Dr. Harley would say that mrs.cen did the right thing leaving. She couldn't start recovery with him because of his AOs. He is not safe.

RNR wasn't serious either. Time and time again he was told to seek help for his AOs and he ignored every single bit of advice. He was in "she hurt me so I'm going to punish her" mindframe. He was also told repeatedly to quit the rig job. His excuse if she isn't serious then I'm not going to throw away the job. Even though the job kept him from his daughter for weeks on in.

RNR you need to realize your marriage is dead you cannot go back to the way of was. Because your wife's affair will just repeat. It's insane to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. Dodging tough questions, calling the police on your wife, angry outbursts, pointing fingers isn't the MB way. That's RNR's way and it doesn't work. So what she text you a timeline that no excuse to have and angry outburst. No one saying not to be mad but the cussing name calling and physical abuse is downright dangerous. I really hope you get help for your anger and commit to MB. But honestly this guy isn't coming back.

Do doubt. No one here will argue the reality that she should separate if he is violent.

Only they know the nature of the AO's.

Only she knows why she really left. Personally, I am not buying the fact that she left because of the AO's.

I could be 100% wrong.

RNR??

What about DD? Did she runaway with her too? I think she left for the affair and his AOs. Now she can demonize him because he actually did the abuse and she will get sympathy from everyone cause he played his role.

TranquilDark I so agree with this post.. I mean look at it from her eyes. Forget the affair for a minute, but if all I had to look forward to was an angry man who was gone for lots of time on the rig... I mean why even try... and then if I am in the fog I'm sure the other man looks better. ANYONE would look better. To really truly be married you have to WANT to spend lots of time together... Sorry, but no he wasn't serious either and I, too, doubt he will be back.

I'm guessing that dd will have to be with the wife if RNR is gone to the rig so much. The daughter couldn't be with him.

You wanted her to leave and she left. I don't see what the problem is.

You're right; she should've called the police when he assaulted her.

Dr. Harley's advice would be for her to separate until he can control his anger, and take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair.

Wouldn't you agree?

Absolutely agree.

The question remains, what was the extent of the AO's (ONLY they know) AND what was REALLY the reason she left?

No one would want to enter R with someone who is Angry. I get that.


I'm just not convinced that is why she left.

It was physical. He left bruises. That's more than enough reason to leave.

The cops know. They asked her if she wanted to file charges because of the bruises they saw. If you read this whole thread, he assaulted her and threw her out of the house and was quite proud of it.

This is why I said he got what he wanted! I don't see what the problem is: he beat her up to get her out of the house. Now he's got what he wanted. All good, right?


He can easily find out. If there's still an affair, he can use the information on this site to Plan A her if he wants. Part of that would definitely include getting help for his angry outbursts. Or if he wants to not recover his marriage, he can do whatever he pleases, including Plan B her especially if she is in an active affair. Even if they divorce I would still recommend he seek effective anger management. Being insane never really helps anything in life.

RNR, did you ever have angry outbursts before the affair? Were the cops ever called before the last couple weeks? Did you ever injure her, bruise her, etc., before?

If you still want to recover your marriage, I believe we can help you, if you want to stick around.

That is what makes this so sad.

They have abused each other. Maybe to the point of no return.
Two wrongs don't make a right.

Hopefully he understands the seriousness of AO's and the damage they can do.

Hopefully she will understand the seriousness of her A and what she needs to do to regain her honor in life.


In the end, there is still hope that he can eliminate his AO's (including all LB's) to be come the husband she always wanted...hopefully she can wake up and make the changes in her to become an honest person (including all LB's), provide just compensation to become the wife he wants.

20Year is right. Both of these people have serious relationship issues that if they don't correct will plague them in future relationships. Even though both have dug deep holes, they have to try fill up the hole one shovel at a time and work towards eliminating the behaviors and actions that have doomed their marriage.

Starting over just sweeps things under the rug. They both have to work through this or they will repeat the mistakes in future relationships.

Giving up is what separates a renter from an owner.

If there was physical abuse, there is a really big problem. No one should tolerate that. And an affair is even worse then physical abuse, as Dr. Harley has said. The question is: do both people have the wherewithal to change.

It was physical. He left bruises.

I think what XXYH is trying to get to is that the bruises are only a figment of a WW's story to us. The willingness of the moronic LEPs to arrest RNR is only a figment of a WW's story to us. Her "forbearance" is only a figment of a WW's story to us.

***EDIT***

But, none of that matters, in the final analysis. Mrs Cen has departed for parts unknown, and RNR, who probably did abuse his wife in some form, has given up on this thread, if he were ever really enlisted in its advice, anyway.

One question has never been posed, much less answered. In the length of their marriage, Mrs Cen never complained of "abuse" being displayed by RNR until he discovered she was screwing around, in other words, until she had replaced him in her existence with POSOM.

***EDIT***