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I am aware of the dangers. Are you aware that the friendship is the reason you aren't in love with your husband?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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However, I would never cheat (physically) on my husband due to my morals What does this mean EXACTLY? Can you clarify? What happened and with whom? EA with one friend; heavy petting with another (while drunk), and lots of infatuations/borderline EA's in the course of our marriage. You need to stop lying to yourself before you can move on and make progress.
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He has the right to know the truth about his marriage and his wife. If you are not attracted to him, how does he fix it if you don't tell him both what you find un-attractive and what you find attractive? You don't want the marriage you have, but you don't want to tell him the details of the marriage you want. How is he supposed to reach the mark if you don't tell him both where he's missing the mark, where he's hitting it, and guidance on how to hit that mark? I have ordered Love Busters and the workbook. Should take a few days to get here though. Plan out 4 - 4 hour dates meeting these top 4 intimate emotional needs: affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. I can't tell you how hard this would be for me. Those emotional needs are some of the areas he is lacking for me. That's why I hesitated with the questionnaire. Do I tell him honestly where I am at? I worry that he will be crushed. Also, I don't sleep well with him. He's a big guy and takes up a lot of room. He sleeps with a fan pointed right at him, which drives me crazy. And I'm not attracted to him in the least bit. I could maybe move past these issues if there was an improvement in his hygiene - another huge problem for me. I'm sorry if this sounds like petty issues. They probably are. I'm just thinking about the reality of sleeping with him again. So, am I basically just going through the motions at first? I see that I will need to set aside my pride.
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I
He is like a brother to me - I am closer to him than my own siblings. However, I would never cheat (physically) on my husband due to my morals and I now understand the effects of emotional affairs as well. I didn't before - my infatuations and poor boundaries were ways that I coped with an unsatisfying relationship with my husband. First off, your morals did not prevent you from having emotional affairs and they won't prevent you from having a physical affair. Your poor boundaries with this man WILL LEAD TO A PHYSICAL AFFAIR BEFORE LONG. Go over to the Survivng an Affair board, what you are doing is HOW ALL THOSE AFFAIRS STARTED. Do you understand? And 98% of them are moral people!!! Your friendship with this man is THE REASON WHY YOU CAN'T BE CLOSE TO YOUR HUSBAND! You are placing this "friedship" over your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think my husband would be concerned if we quit going to counseling. To him, it says that I am serious about working on our problems. Also, he really likes his therapist. I am more apt to research and read on my own and to ask questions. That's why I am here. I hope that is true. Most of what passes for "marriage advice" out there is downright destructive. Since this one knows about Marriage Builders, you might have one of the very few good ones. I sure do hope so. I would be asking him what is his plan for restoring hte romantic love in your marriage. If he doesn't have a concrete plan then you are in trouble.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He has the right to know the truth about his marriage and his wife.
If you are not attracted to him, how does he fix it if you don't tell him both what you find un-attractive and what you find attractive?
You don't want the marriage you have, but you don't want to tell him the details of the marriage you want.
How is he supposed to reach the mark if you don't tell him both where he's missing the mark, where he's hitting it, and guidance on how to hit that mark? This is exactly why I am here! I DO want to tell him the details of the marriage I want. And I want to learn more about MB's. I feel like this program would be helpful to a couple like us who have all these past hurts and resentments and communication issues. The questionnaires seem like a good way to get our issues out in the open. At this time, I feel NO romantic love for my husband so I need some direction. The biggest thing going for us is my faith because I know that I don't have biblical reasons to divorce. I can stay and feel stuck, or I can work on it. I've already been blasted on another forum for the inappropriate relationships and boundaries. But please know that I am not interested in breaking up another person's marriage, I'm not interested in leaving my husband to be with someone else, and I am 100% committed to working on a plan to a better relationship with my husband. I am wise enough to understand that my thoughts can't be on two people at once. Why can't I follow the advice here and see where it takes us? I read the OSF's article as well as another article about abuse, alcohol, and infidelity. I missed both of those Q&A articles when I previously looked at this site and they were very helpful. Keep in mind that I still have some fear when I consider telling him things. He knows part of the reason why I was so comfortable with our friend is because I don't feel threatened by him. It has been a slow process.
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Since this one knows about Marriage Builders, you might have one of the very few good ones. I sure do hope so. Still be on your guard. We had a marriage counselor who also knew about Marriage Builders, and even gave us a list of the lovebusters to go over. But she still gave very destructive advice.
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Okay, saying I am friends with him does not mean that we are all cozy. We do not spend one-on-one time together anymore. Conversations are on the up and up. No flirting, etc. It's all G-rated now.
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Wow, I've never even asked our counselor about his angle. First of all, he's my husband's individual counselor. And second, our church recommended him. We were in a bind because my husband couldn't move back home unless counseling was set up. I never researched or interviewed therapists. I do feel like he's a good fit so far, especially since my husband is comfortable with him. I like my therapist too, although she's fairly relaxed.
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Go over to the Survivng an Affair board, what you are doing is HOW ALL THOSE AFFAIRS STARTED. Do you understand? And 98% of them are moral people!!! Yep. The very first affair Dr. Harley counseled started in church between a pastor and the choir director!  Your friendship with this man is THE REASON WHY YOU CAN'T BE CLOSE TO YOUR HUSBAND! QFT.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am aware of the dangers. Are you aware that the friendship is the reason you aren't in love with your husband? I would like to help you, but you didn't answer me. Did you read this post? The question wasn't rhetorical. My goal in posting is to help you and your husband recover the spark. My wife and I have done that, and we would like to help others as well.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Okay, saying I am friends with him does not mean that we are all cozy. We do not spend one-on-one time together anymore. Conversations are on the up and up. No flirting, etc. It's all G-rated now. This is still preventing you from being in love with your husband.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Okay, saying I am friends with him does not mean that we are all cozy. We do not spend one-on-one time together anymore. Conversations are on the up and up. No flirting, etc. It's all G-rated now. Ok, you are not telling us the full story. What do you mean they are "g-rated now??" What were they BEFORE? Please stop wtih the BS. WE can't help you if we don't know the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Okay, saying I am friends with him does not mean that we are all cozy. We do not spend one-on-one time together anymore. Conversations are on the up and up. No flirting, etc. It's all G-rated now. But you're "attached" and "loyal" to him?
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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.htmlNever see or communicate with a former lover
Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.
The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am a Christian woman who is unhappy in her marriage. My husband and I have been married 24 years and have five kids. Our marriage is in crisis and has been for some time. We have been attending individual counseling and marriage counseling for the past few months and it has helped, but sadly my feelings for my husband are unchanged. We've got six children. For the sake of your five children, we'd like to help you change those feelings. Dr. Harley's program only works if you follow it totally. If you make exceptions, cut corners, cherry pick only the pieces you want to follow, then the pieces won't change. The primary corner that you've cut is the male friends. I don't know if this is because your counselor isn't aware of this part of the program, or because the counselor isn't aware of your male friends, or because she/he said all this to you and you chose to cut the corner anyway. No matter how much work you put into the rest of the program, your feelings will not change as long as you continue to make this exception.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Wow, I've never even asked our counselor about his angle. First of all, he's my husband's individual counselor. And second, our church recommended him. We were in a bind because my husband couldn't move back home unless counseling was set up. I never researched or interviewed therapists. I do feel like he's a good fit so far, especially since my husband is comfortable with him. I like my therapist too, although she's fairly relaxed. You have left ALOT out of this story and there are glaring holes that get bigger by the minute. We need the full truth about your "friendship." And what do you mean your husband "couldn't move home??" You never told us he left. He left when, how and WHY??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[I've already been blasted on another forum for the inappropriate relationships and boundaries. But please know that I am not interested in breaking up another person's marriage, I'm not interested in leaving my husband to be with someone else, HOW would you break up another person's marriage?  Once again, you are withholding key facts from us and I believe it is a secret affair wtih this man, isn't it? And reading between the lines, your husband LEFT for awhile over this affair and this man's wife still doesn't know. THAT is why you were blasted on the other forum, isn't it? You had an affair, booted your husband out over it and want to keep the OM hanging around because you are addicted to him. We cannot help you if you are deceitful to us.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't believe I can divorce because I am unhappy and/or unfulfilled. I am a Christian, too, and I think having an opposite sex best friend is just as wrong as divorce. In fact, I believe it's worse.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Once again, you are withholding key facts from us and I believe it is a secret affair wtih this man As do I.
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