In the long term, if you confess your affair and recover your marriage, your parents will probably be very proud of you. And your honesty may be one of the things they remember most proudly.

Yes, that is a pretty typical feeling.

And completely irrational, of course, because it does nothing to help you, let alone the people most connected to you in life. It shows you are still somewhat in the fog.

What is not typical is that you sort of recognize this.

Take heart: doing right actions leads to right thinking and feeling. The more steps you take, the less foggy you will be.

Good job on giving your BH that information.

Also I think you will find that your parents will be disappointed, but will be fantastic to help you remain accountable.

I understand you are upset about exposure to OM's GF. But she has a right to know. Especially if STD's might be involved. And also, the true nature of her toady BF.

This is not a vindictive act against OM. However, you must not PROTECT him from the consequences of his own actions. Protecting him, rather than protecting your BH, is a nasty assault to your BH. (My WH's automatic reaction to protect the OM was one off the worst offenses for me.)

Also, exposure to the GF hammers another nail in the coffin of the A. You will have even less opportunity to fall back. OM will probably be furious.


As to your parents, yes it will be tough. I would focus on your remorse, your gratefulness at your BH's willingness to reconcile and recover, and your PLAN for recovery. (Without glossing over the fact of your A, but details won't be necessary.)

And I would ask for their support of you both while you go through this recovery.
Which, by the way, Never, is a "marathon, not a sprint". You both can expect lots of bumps in the road ahead. But you have a purpose...

I have a question: BH has located contact info on OM's GF. He has sent her a message and if he doesn't hear back he will use one of the other avenues to get in touch. My question is, is she going to want to talk to me? I mean I know you wouldn't know that for sure, but is that typical? And if so, is it a good idea? My gut says no, but I will defer to the veterans for advice. You haven't failed me yet.

NSN,

is she going to want to talk to me?

I hope so and give her the unvarnished truth, OM has to face some consequences for this affair, it is also a consequence you have to face up to for knowingly dating someones boyfriend, and finally it diminishes your BHs need to fracture his skull with a baseball bat.

God Bless
Gamma

She very likely will. She is a victim of this affair as well. If she asks, talk to her. Be honest.

Regardless of whether GF wants to talk you, either you or your husband MUST talk to her for this reason:


�Really oughta know� don�t cut it. In what world is it �just deserts� for her to be exposed to a known high-risk partner without due warning? After being cut off from his free nookie supply, POSOM will undoubtedly be engaging his fall-back plan. You have a moral obligation to warn this woman, and you need to prioritize the contact!

NSN,

both he and I have extremely promiscuous pasts

Have you and your BH given each other historical honesty, if any former lovers are still in your life you need to tell your BH and get rid of them. And by in your life I mean "innocent friends" on facebook. Your BH will get over the revelations, but cannot handle further lies or OMISSIONS.

Are you also saying that you cheated on partners you had before marriage or made lying to them a habit?

One of the components of MB is radical honest, RH, which means if you buy a pair of shoes for 150 you don't tell him you go it for 45 on sale, just don't lie about anything no matter how small.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes we have always been honest about this with each other! I know of pretty much every one he ever slept with and no, he is not still friends with any of them! And I only say "pretty much" because the college years did not involve his keeping track.

As for me, yes he knows about everyone I've been with too. I haven't seen any of them in years! Neither he nor I have ever cheated on any of our partners! We have been together 6 years, married 3 1/2, and never has cheating even been suspected by either one of us!
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The reason we both have so many former partners is because we both went through phases (before we met) where we thought casual sex was ok. During that time we both had multiple partners and never lied to anyone about it. In fact, that is how we met. We each thought the other was going to be just another casual fling, but we both soon realized that neither one of us wanted to be with anyone else anymore. We each firmly ended any other attachments and committed to each other alone. And because we were so in love back then, cheating would have been pretty hard to hide- we saw each other constantly.

Just deserts for him, not his GF. And BH has already sent her a message via social network, after figuring how to find out who she was when I only knew her first name and something about her job.

Please understand: we are contacting OM's GF and I never meant to imply she deserves to get an STD from this!

And by "promiscuous" I do not mean philandering, I mean we have both had many partners in our pasts. Neither of us has had continued contact with our former partners, other than his ex-wife, with whom he has children. And no way he's been back with her! Of that I have NO DOUBT.

Lying and/or cheating have NEVER been an issue in our relationship, or even in either of our prior relationships. We have always felt comfortable telling the truth about our past and about our activities, and neither of us has ever felt suspicious of the other's activities.

This is definitely the first time anything like this has come up. And so you know, we are not spring chickens. I was by far the last of my friends to marry. Let's just say I remember the 80's very,very well.

What are your lists of EPs?

Told my job, offered to quit if they could not accommodate my stipulation that I never have to go to the site where OM works. 50% of my responsibilities required me to go there. They haven't decided yet. If I have to quit neither BH nor I will have a job. But that's what I did to us.

Erased EVERYTHING I had pertaining to OM, all contact info, all mementos. Everything.

Took the password off my phone.

Told BH places I knew OM to frequent, even which Target he goes to, so that we would never go to those places.

Told BH the name of OM GF so he could track her down and expose us.

Told my friends.

Plan on telling my parents.

NSN,

Is OMs company a supplier to your company or vice-versa, you may be able to get them to fire OM if your company is a large percentage of their business.

God Bless
Gamma

Good.

Have you seen these?
Extraordinary Precautions

Also, the only place I go without BH is work. Not even the grocery store.

Good start on your EPs. But be more specific.
Your number one EP should be: No contact with OM for life

Number 2: No nights spent apart. Ever.

Number 3: complete transparency -- access to all phones, emails, etc for life.

Some more suggestions:
I will no longer have male friends
I will shut down all social networking sites and never join another.
I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
Anytime I have the thought, "I don't want my spouse to know about..." I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.

NSN,

BTW, how close does this OM live to you?

God Bless
Gamma