I have been 'faithfully' married to my husband for 28 yrs. + 3 mos. We married young (25). "I" wasn't his "first pick" (Can we say 3rd time is a charm?). I recently caught him in numerous lies about siphoning money, from a 'secret' account, to his family (to the tune of nearly 100K in the last 7 years). I asked him to leave on New Year's Day and filed for divorce (he was served on 1/15/2013). After being served, he did what he does best, he used our children (27 & 24) as a weapon. During the 'weapon' stage, he read "Love Busters" and realized that he was more to blame for our 'marital problems' than I was and he decided to "come clean". He texted our sister-in-law (my BFF for the last year+ and my husband's, brother's wife) and told her things that he had kept from me for 3 decades (lying by omission). My Sister-in-Law told me that he texted her about an affair AND SOMETHING WORSE!. She said that he told her that there was something that happened 'before we met' that could be a lot worse than the affair. What can be worse than an affair? (You know I found out). Apparently, in addition to having "un-protected" sex with an old girlfriend while he was married to me, he had "un-protected" sex with "MY SISTER" before we dated (EEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!). I don't have any claim to his life before we met, other than "HISTORICAL HONESTY", and I accept that. However, in the interest of 'Radical Honesty', does anyone (other than me) think that he should have given me the option to "DATE" a man who had slept with my (2 years older, married, with a kid, sister)? Should I Stay or Should I Go? I'm conflicted!!!

Hi crazyaunt, welcome to Marriage Builders. Whether or not you decide to stay married is up to you, but you can have a great marriage if you implement this program. You can't change the past but you can have a great present and future.

I agree. If you want to save your marriage you've come to the best place.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?

CrazyAunt,

If you had found out this information 1 month you likely would have had your Marriage annulled, now that you know I think you have to have your WH submit to a polygraph or divorce him.

God Bless
Gamma

I have read, "Love Busters", "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Surviving An Affair", all by Dr. Harley. I've read each of them multiple times. My (soon-to-be-ex)husband has read the first two and is having a difficult time finishing "Surviving An Affair". I don't think he can relate (he HAD the affair, he doesn't need to survive it!)

My WH says, "It was one time 25 years ago! Get over it!!!" I JUST found out about the affair, and my sister, 5 months ago. My wounds are fresh. I realize that my ENTIRE adult life was a lie (WOW, that was hard to write).

I'm sorry that I was off-line for so long. I was getting my hair done before I volunteer, tomorrow, to help feed the homeless, and hopefully meet some 'like minded' people. I'm really tired of being lied to, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically abused, and completely taken advantage of (and I hate ending a sentence with a preposition).

I'm in lots of pain (and I'm seeing a councilor, which is more than my WH is doing). I feel like I'm the only one that is working on this marriage (if you can call it that) because I know it will affect our children, even though they are grown and out of the house.

Speaking of the children, they should be told.

The kids have been told and are "no longer" on my side. Once again, he has used my children as weapons and taken them from me "once and for all" (and I'm the one that was BETRAYED). I raised my children, nurtured them (like he NEVER knew) and supported them, as long as I could. I am, alone, with no support system, therefore, I am pathetic.

You are not pathetic. Have you been into your doctor?

Do you want to save your marriage?

I'm not getting this. You told your children that their father was a hound dog who cheated on you, and they are on HIS side?? How did THAT happen?

Crazy Aunt,

I agree,You are not pathetic!

From what you wrote her, limited evidence I know, your WH sounds like a chronic liar and manipulator, a narissistic type who blames and vilifies others for his failures and uses people without remorse. Who then is pathetic.

God Bless
Gamma

My WH was also the "Disneyland Dad". He travelled a lot and was "the good guy" when he was home. He also made sure that the kids "heard" that he had NEVER cheated on Mom, which made Mom look like a raving lunatic, because I knew but could not prove that he was cheating on me. WHAT I KNOW AND WHAT I CAN PROVE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!

"Gamma": You are right!!, He is a narcissist and a misogynist. I didn't know this until just now. I'm leaning toward, "I Should Go.", but I love him and have invested 3 decades of my life. I also hate him for what he has done to me and turned me into.

Hi, CA, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

It is not exactly the same situation, but you might take a look at this very long thread about a situation where a husband was discovered to have had a long ago affair with his wife's sister. Everybody knew but the wife, and nobody ever told her!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2350318#Post2350318

Thanks for the link.

So, this last week I decided to mirror his behavior. I've been treating him with the same indifference that I've experienced for the last 29 years. And, guess what? He doesn't like it! Ya think? It may be the only way to get him to realize that people need to be treated with respect and care.

I still love him, but I have so much pain from all the lying, cheating, and stealing, that I'm afraid I'll never be able to get beyond the hurt.

Crazy Aunt,

He is a narcissist and a misogynist.

Interesting that you make the point of his being a misogynist, I've often noticed that a sub-group of the serial cheating men do so out of a hatred of women and a need to cause them pain and humiliation. There's a sadistic aspect to their psychology as well.

God Bless
Gamma

I mentioned earlier that, we both read Dr. Harley's books. After I served him with the divorce papers in January, he read "Love Busters" (on the advice of our sister-in-law). He got so excited over the principles in the book because they made sense to him, that he begged for a chance at reconciliation. Since I had read "Love Busters" and "Surviving An Affair", I decided to give it a chance. After all, Dr. Harley says you can survive an affair and have the marriage you always wanted.

Well, February was fantastic! We worked the principles in the books. We devoted 'undivided attention' to each other, we had 'radically honest intimate conversations', he was affectionate (for the first time in 28 years!), and the marriage was great! That was one month out of 28.5 years!!!!! I did the math, it equals 0.29%. That is really pitiful!!! Less than one third of one percent of my marriage was worth "writing home about." It makes me lean toward, "I should go."

He's no longer "working" Dr. Harley's principles. He hasn't finished reading "Surviving An Affair" (which is at my request). And, he is back to treating me with the disrespect that I let him get away with for 29 years.

I feel a need to vent.

One of the BIGGEST sources of our marital discord is, my mother-in-law (MIL). I know, what a cliche. But hear me out.

The day after we took his parents out to dinner to make the announcement that we were getting married, my MIL called my WH on the phone and tried to convince him "NOT" to marry me (it lasted an hour!!!!). I know this, because I WAS THERE! We were on our way to a bike ride. We were 'almost' out the door, when the phone rang. I begged him NOT to answer it. He said, "It'll bug me all day, if I don't know who called." (1985 not everyone had an answering machine). So, back inside we went, and I sat in his living room, listening to him DEFEND his decision to marry "me" (remember: I wasn't the first, I wasn't the second, "I" was 'throw away thirds'! (Self deprecating, I know, and I need to work on that!)) MIL's issue: I wasn't the same religion as her, so how were we going to raise our children?

WOW! Can you say, "With Love and Affection, Nurturing and Understanding, and LET THEM DECIDE!!!!!!"? Apparently NOT, so, she set out to make me an "OUT-LAW", not an in-law.

After about 13-14 years of marriage, my MIL (who liked to send a letter in her Christmas card) decided to "rewrite" history and make me "disappear". My MIL sent a letter in her Christmas card (to all relatives country-wide) that made my WH sound like a single parent. She took it a step further, she made it sound like he had been a single parent "all of my children's natural lives". She made me disappear, in the eyes of my WH's world. It was after this 'letter' that I pulled away from his family and decided that, "you cannot waste any of your life on people that DO NOT TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT!!!!! (It' all over FB)

As an FYI side note: my MIL is a cheater!!!! She cheated on her husband while he was terminally ill for 14 years and fighting for his life (WHO DOES THAT?) She probably cheated on him since she said, "I Do."

My husband cannot cut the umbilical cord. Even though his mother is a narcissist (on a scale of 1-10, she's a 14), he cannot understand that EVERYTHING she does is for her own benefit! We had an "enthusiastic agreement" about how to handle her (MIL), but he is now trying to "re-negotiate" that agreement. UMMMMMMM, I don't think so. There is so much more (about MIL) that you don't know yet (like: she sets my WH up with old girlfriends when he visits and I'm not there, she encourages infidelity, she insights fights in the marriage, and, the most basic: she hates me.)

So, one person working on a relationship does NOT A MARRIAGE MAKE! That answers the question, doesn't it? Does the pain ever end?????? I need to know.

CrazyAunt,

About the MIL, do you know who she was cheating with? Expose her butt to high heaven, let her hate you even more, shine a light on her.

God Bless
Gamma

Was he satisfied with the way you met his emotional needs during that time? Sounds like he did a great job of meeting yours. Maybe you should sign up for the online program so that you can both be held accountable. Then stick to it once you're through the program.