Hi,

I'm 29 and my husband is 31. I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful guy (at least that's what I thought all this time). We have been together for 11 years. He was my first kiss, my first great love, first everything. Two months ago, we had an argument and he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. It was a huge shock to me, I didn't know what was going on. When I finally got him to talk to me, he said that we had nothing in common and that there is no passion and intimacy in our marriage. Suddenly, I woke up, a knife went through my heart, as I didn't feel any of this. I knew that things had changed in the past year but I thought it was because we both went to school, work and other things that made our daily life difficult.
Right away, I told him I was sorry about the way things have been going and we will fix them. He kept pushing me away and said that he needed space and needed to get away for a while. I saw red flags and asked if there was someone else. He said no.
After being back and forth for 1 month, I found out he was in a relationship with another woman for 7 months. What started out as a sexual relationship, turned into an emotional one.
I found out through phone records. Right away I went to him and told him to make a decision right then and there. He was hesitant but said he chooses me. I thought ok, we will work on this. I told him in order to do that, he needs to stop all contact. He said he called her and told her he is "Not going to talk to her anymore". Next day, he was crying and telling how sorry he was. The day after he looked at me like I was the worst person in this world for taking his lover from him. He looked at me and treated me like I was a burden to him. I tried really hard to put my emotional feelings aside to help him get through this but he kept telling me that he missed her. I did everything for him, to be there for him and at the same time was working on myself to be a better person and better wife. Finally, I found out he contacted her again. And it was the most hurtful and disrespectful thing that a loved one can do. I was going to leave... He came crying again and said that he loved me, he always has, he couldn't live without me and that he needed me in his life because without me he couldn't function. He was failing in school, he got into trouble at work (couple of times) and his world was breaking.
Stupidly enough, I took him back again.
We shared good nights, we shared bad nights. Surprisingly, we have a lot of passion for each other now, sex is amazing even after all of this. I want him and I know he wants me. But I cannot be there while he is still seeing and talking to her. He runs into her at work every now and then, too.
Finally, I told him he had to move out and figure out what he really wants in his life. He left with a couple of things. The problem is that he keeps coming back home when I'm not there, when I'm at work. That's not right. I feel disrespected over and over again. And I don't understand why I keep letting him do this to me. I haven't spoken to him for 1 week (he did try to call me and text me a few times). I finally answered to one of his messages and told him that I loved him but couldn't be part of his life while she was still in his and couldn't let him be in my life during that time either. Asked him again to cut all ties, change phone number, email address, etc... No reply.
Last night I finally got to talk to him on the phone. He was furious about my text message, he didn't like my "demands" and said that even if he changed his phone number, if he wanted her to have his phone number he would give it to her and that wouldn't solve anything. He said he did see her, and was still in contact with her. He said that all he is worried about is our relationship, and that he has been trying to tell me for years that our sex life was bad and we didn't do anything together. I agree that our sex life should have been more active but it was never dull. I agree I should have spent more time doing what he wanted to do (his friends and his hobbies). Overall, should have been more involved. But to be honest, I was trying to get through school as soon as I could so that we could start having children. I know I messed up, but I deserve a chance. Just like I have given him several chances even when keep getting stabbed over and over again. I'm bleeding and I don't know how to stop the blood. I had to get on medication to help me sleep and get through the day. I never thought it would happen to me.
Now. My last chance of making this work is to be strong and show him that I am an amazing person, wife and friend. I know he was looking for friendship and love and I somehow forgot to work harder on it. But I think that if I show him that I AM ALL he ever wanted and needed, he will become happy around me again and we can connect. Little by little, starting with conversations here and there, building up a friendship again...
He says that he can't come back home because he doesn't know how to look me in the eyes, he says he is so ashamed and doesn't know how to handle it. He says he doesn't know how to move on from this, knowing that my parents, our family and some friends know about it. I told him that there is nothing more honorable about a man who made a mistake and who is fighting to make things better. But he is not. He is not even trying to make things better. I am so lost and so hurt. Why is he not trying to make things better? Why do I have to go through this alone? It's worse than death... Why is he not working on solving the problem. Is he waiting for me to give up, is he waiting to see if I can really be what he wants me to be? Or is he really that ashamed and guilty that he is blocking his reality and feelings just not to be hurt anymore?
He says we have the same friendship circle and we will eventually run into her... WTF does that mean? I mean, seriously, why doesn't he get it how important it is to stop all contact. I guess because he doesn't want to!?

Please help me understand him. I just don't know what else to do...

V2013,

I get the impression from what you wrote that you don't know the OWs identity?

Can you post that again with fewer details and better organized into paragraphs? It will help your readers.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome to Marriage Builders, V2013!

I am going to try to summarize your post so that we can help you better:

Married 7 years, been together 11.
One month ago you found out through phone records that he has been in a physical affair for 7 months.
You confronted him, and he said he chose you. You asked tht he stop all contact, and he said he called her and told her he wouldn't be talking to her anymore.
You found out later hat he had contacted her again. He convinced you to stay.
He still runs into her at work.

You told him to move out, and he did. He keeps coming home when you are not there.

You haven't talked to him for a week, and finally sent him a message saying you loved him but couldn't be part of his life while she was still in his. You asked him again for him to have no more contact. He hasn't replied.

You talked to him on the phone a few nights ago. He was furious about your text message, and didn't like your "demands." He refuses to go no contact with her.

Would you mind answering some questions?
Did you expose his affair?
Do you know who the OW is?
Do you have children?

Married 7 years, been together 11.
One month ago you found out through phone records that he has been in a physical affair for 7 months.
You confronted him, and he said he chose you. You asked tht he stop all contact, and he said he called her and told her he wouldn't be talking to her anymore.
You found out later hat he had contacted her again. He convinced you to stay.
He still runs into her at work.

You told him to move out, and he did. He keeps coming home when you are not there.

You haven't talked to him for a week, and finally sent him a message saying you loved him but couldn't be part of his life while she was still in his. You asked him again for him to have no more contact. He hasn't replied.

You talked to him on the phone a few nights ago. He was furious about your text message, and didn't like your "demands." He refuses to go no contact with her.


Yes, everything is correct. Thank you.

I exposed the affair. I don't know OW personally but have seen pictures of her on his FB (both her and his accounts are now deleted).
We don't have children yet, but were planning on having kids soon (at least in my head), he had different plans...

He said he is so ashamed to look me in the eyes and doesn't know how to deal with that. Says he doesn't know how to ever make it alright with me, my family and friends...

Says he doesn't know how to ever make it alright with me, my family and friends...

Oh, cool! This is something the correspondents here would be eminently able to assist him in achieving. Ignorance is easily corrected; willingness is somewhat more problematical.

Below is his action-plan. Print it out and hand it to him.

1) Write a No-Contact Letter to his AP. Have you review/approve it, and make many copies.

2) Verifiably deliver it to Skanky.

3) Write a set of unbreachable EPs, and have them posted here for our review/approval. Make many copies of the final result.

4) Send copies of both documents it to all the family and friends that matter, with a cover letter from WH stating that this is the way he is committing to re-establishing his marital fidelity, and asking for everyone's help in staying on the true path.

5) Write out a timeline of all details of the affair, from the first "Hello", to the last "Was it good for you?" Have v2013 review it for one week. At that time v2013 may ask whatever questions she still has.

6) Arrange for a polygraph, based on the timeline. Pass it, or kiss V2013 goodbye.

7) Arrange for a full set of STD tests, immediately and again in six months for both of you. Until the second set comes back clean................(Yup, NOTHING!)

See, that wasn't so hard!

Hello and so sorry that you are here.

Your affair discovery and the subsequent actions of both you and your WH sound a lot like my story. However, mine has been playing out for the past 14 months and I assure you that you do not want to still be at this point in another year.

Follow the advice of NeverGuessed to the letter. If your husband refuses ANY of the steps/requirements, go directly to PLAN B. (MelodyLane has a link to it on her posts and she will probably post here soon.) I will be starting PLAN B next week as I had some time reasons why I needed to wait. However, if there had been a way to start months ago, I would have. PLAN B is difficult to commit to initially, but it becomes obviously painful after you experience all of the "push-me, pull-me," manipulative words and actions of a wayward spouse (WS) for many months. Please be strong and do not stall on PLAN B if your husband refuses or does not follow through with any of your requirements. As the others will tell you, it is IMPOSSIBLE to be with a WS when they are in the fog and as long as he is still seeing the OW, speaking to the OW or treating you good one day and bad the next, HE IS IN THE FOG.

Good luck and I am very sorry for your struggles.

I left that part out by mistake, and it should've been included in the summary. You've been in Plan A with an active Wayward Husband for too long.

Since you've exposed, been in Plan A, and he's still refusing to have No Contact, I believe it is time for you to enter into Plan B.

Have you read about Plan B yet?
Who all did you expose to?

Following is a link to the PLAN B thread. (Oops, edited to add the correct link.)

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

v2013, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here, but you've come to the right place.

Have you read the 'Start Here First' thread at the top of this forum? Do so.

Who is the OW? Your WH is protecting her by refusing to disclose her identity. You'll need to do some snooping to find out who she is. You've got this skank's phone number already. Have you called her to let her know that her life will be hell as long as she is bedding your husband? (Call her from random phone numbers. She won't answer if she recognizes your number. She still may not answer. Leave a message. Leave a few. Maybe more than a few, as in BLOW UP HER PHONE.)You'll also want to let her know that your husband continues to come home to his wife.

Cause conflict in this affair!

This is unbelievably cruel of him to say. And he is not willing to let you know the identity of the woman who is wrecking your life??

This is wayward-speak for "I'm not ready to end the affair." He's still in contact with OW. That's why he doesn't want to come home. He wants you, but he also wants OW because he is addicted to her right now. He knows on a level that all of that will end if he has to come home under your terms.

What would you tell a heroin addict, v?

Thank you so much for this.
He surprised me at work after 1.5 weeks not seeing each other and said it's not easy to get over me and he just can't walk away because I'm too good. He also said that I'm the strong one and one day he will look back and say that I've pulled us out of this mess.
We continued contact over text and phone calls. I received some results from STD testing that I wasn't happy about but it's too early to say what it is, so I have to retest. The worst was to find out that in the last couple of months he hasn't been protecting... I'm scared. What if she is pregnant?
Over the phone he told me that he won't have anymore contact with her but will run into her at work every now and then and that he can't change that.
He moved back in and we are trying to move forward.
Let's just say, I'm trying. I don't mention it anymore because I want us to move forward with us and work on us. But it is awkward all the way!
I want him to show effort, but he is just there... I feel like I work my a** off and he is just there... He just takes, I'm the Giver right now (for the past 2 months).
I told him I need him to make me safe again and wanted. He doesn't say anything except that his feelings didn't happen overnight, so he can't just turn around and feel all of them again.
I see that he is not excited to see me, it hurts. I just don't know how to work on us when he is not enthusiastic about the second (third, fourth) chance to make our marriage work.
Also, I'm super confused about the fact that he started the affair in the first place because he wasn't receiving enough sex from me. Now, I have to initiate it and when I do, he doesn't even want to kiss me and just lays there. I think I should just let him be and have him make the first step. But I just don't know if that's good or bad or normal reaction that he has...

Thank you. I'm sorry you have to go through this as well. I just don't know how someone can even think of doing this to someone they love/d...
I think he is out of the fog and ended the contact but I think the lack of his excitement about a second chance of our marriage is what's bothering me. He said he is willing to try it with me again but his bad feelings about our marriage have been building up for the past couple of years and he can't just turn them off and be excited about me again. It just hurts. And I feel like he just wants to be with someone else but me. I'm trying to do everything for him to make him happy and deposit Love Units into his account but it's hard when I don't receive anything back. I guess after 7 years I'm just now seeing this. I've always deposited... When is he going to start giving? Or will he ever?

You have been in Plan A too long. For your own health and well-being you need to start planning carefully to separate and go into Plan B.

The conditions for recovery are:

1.) He writes a NC letter letter that you approve and mail. Following the NC letter, there is NO CONTACT ever...for life...with the OW.

2.) You create a list of non-negotiable Extraordinary Precautions that will prevent another affair from happening.

3.) Your H must AGREE to a plan of recovery for your marriage. This has not happened. He's sitting there waiting for you to do all the work while he does nothing. This is not MB! You need to start meeting each others needs in a way you both find enjoyable. You both need to end all love busters. You need to spend 20 - 25 hours a week of undivided attention with each other.

He needs to find a way to make it impossible to ever run into the OW again. This is a great risk for him and a terrible offense to you!

Set your bar high! Don't agree to take crumbs. You should not be wooing your H; he should be bending over backwards to woo you!

Start looking at your options for separation.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? If not, you need to get it and read it. It will explain everything very well.

Our time apart altogether was 2 weeks and he finally said that he wants to try to work on us and our marriage. But it's hard, I feel like I'm the only one trying.
It's been a week since he moved back in and it's awkward all the way. He seems to be down sometimes to see me. He doesn't seem to be enthusiastic about anything at all. He is just there... I do everything to build a friendship and a relationshiip again, but it's almost like he doesn't let me in. How long will it take for him to start showing his interest in this? I'm trying not to talk about it anymore and move on with us but it's not easy because the elephant is still in the room!
I had an emotional breakdown one night, and he flipped out and said that that was it and said that I will never get over it and never forgive him, so why even waste time. I said to him that in order for me to get over it, I need to see effort from him and need him to make me feel safe again. But he just doesn't...

Thank you! You are right, I do need to set my bar high!

You have nothing to lose by doing so. If you set your bar high and he starts doing what it takes to become a great husband and you end up with a marriage that is BETTER than it was pre-A, then that's great. That's what any betrayed spouse would want.

If you set your bar high, and he refuses to do what it takes, you have lost a man who was already checked out and unwilling.

Recovery is HARD, even with two willing participants. Recovery was the hardest thing I have ever done, and my H was remorseful and willing to do what it took.

Now, if your H is in withdrawal, and NOT seeing the OW at all anymore with NO possibility of seeing her in the future, then ADs can help with the temporary depression of withdrawal. But I don't see how this is going to work with the possibility of seeing OW now and then.

Start thinking about Plan B. You have no children, so it will be easier. Think.

Listen, when my H had his first A, we went through a lot of what you're going through. My marriage became a misery to me that first year. My H was depressed and unwilling to do much of anything to meet my needs. It was really horrible to be with him. I didn't have MB. We had a 15-year-old daughter and I clung like crazy to my marriage. But it would have been better if I had separated and let him deal with the fallout. Let him woo ME back. Let him EARN my forgiveness.

Our marriage was "okay," but it was never safe. More online crap, porn, and finally another affair. This is likely in store for you unless you immediately change your mindset and set your bar high. Keep it high.

A great marriage takes TWO willing and finally enthusiastic participants. Sounds like you've been priming this pump long enough.

First, absolute no contact ever with OW MUST happen. Or your recovery simply can't move forward.

You are getting great advice from LongWay.


It is quite clear that the affair is still on. Everything that you describe about his attitude and demeanor is that of a wayward that is still in contact. Besides, he TOLD you that he would still run into her at work.

You MUST demand complete and total NC. This means no running into her at work and every which way that they communicated is changed (his phone number, email, etc) and he writes out a NC letter - and makes a commitment to never see or speak to her again.

You cannot move on to the other steps until you have achieved 100% NC. Do you get this? I am not trying to be harsh, but you sound very much like a person who is being gaslit and you don't seem clear on the steps here.

v2013,

This is the exact reason that Dr Harley suggests Plan B for women after a very short time if the WH will not commit to 100% NC and commit to recovery. Women have nervous breakdowns as well as other health problems.

Plan B is win-win. Not only will it preserve your sanity (which is the main purpose for Plan B), but it will preserve your lovebanks with each other.

I think you should begin making preparations to move into Plan B immediately. What do you think?

I'm so sorry but SusieQ is right. The affair continues and he's doing nothing to change it or acknowledge it. No matter how hard you work, you can't heal this while the affair continues.

He needs to quit his job today. What's this "and that's not going to change" stuff about running into the skank at work? This is UNACCEPTABLE and he doesn't get to dictate the terms of recovery.

Please prepare and go to plan B.