Never sent one yet, I'm at work but I will tonight.

I found out a few things tonight. The reason this guy approached my W in the first place was because she was posting how unhappy she was with our marriage on her FB page. He came to her to console her and she jumped right in. I should have listened to my father who told me while I was away at work something was going on based on the things she was saying on FB. He asked if everything was ok at home, I said yes. I have never had a Facebook account so I never looked to see. I thought he was just overreacting, This was at the begining of January. After I found out about the A my father even told me who it was before I knew based on what he saw. He even told me some of the comments she made about me one that sticks out most in my mind was "I want to smash his face in with a brick". So, I guess that's where I stood at that time. My wife denies all of this, she said my father is f@&$ing lier. I told my W that I wanted her to get rid of the iPhone and get a dumbphone and she got very angry and said she will get her own phone, one that's not on my plan. I just left the room and I think I'll just sleep on the couch tonight.

Apparently him and her commenting on each others walls is not considered communication?

Are you talking about current, or past?

I understand where you are coming from, but you need to close the case; your wife had an affair, and you know with whom. You have a fair timeline.

Your previous post about locking down communication through a phone is a good EP, but ruminating on the semantics of the past isn't going to progress your recovery.

So you know who the OM is? You knew even before the affair was revealed? You could use this information to get a NC letter to him.

How did you approach her about the new phone? Use any Lovebusters?

I'm not saying she is doing things that follow MB principles. I'm saying that you can't make her do those things. A load of threats and laying down the law won't convince her to do those things. You following your part, no Lovebusters and a logical, self-controlled approach MAY convince her to do things good for your marriage. That's the part that's up to her at this moment. No guarantee that your good behavior will convince her, but it is guaranteed that Lovebusters will not convince her.

Constructing effective EPs that deal with the conditions of the affair without dwelling on the affair is a real challenge. I struggled with it, and obviously you do to. HHH is pointing you to one of the key strategies, keeping your focus forward. When I was in your place, NeverGuessed told me keep my eye on the goal.

If you were recovering from a bad accident, you would be trying to learn from the accident so as to prevent a reoccurrence, but not continually reliving the horrors of the accident in the process. Not dwelling on the affair benefits *you*.

Yes I understand but I am still looking to see what the truth is. I don't know where this guy lives. My wife says she doesn't even know, she said they just rented hotel rooms five days a week for three months instead of going to his place. You see how I find this hard to believe.

Did you contact Dr. Harley?

You have a fair timeline.

I would submit that this assumes facts not in evidence, Trip.

Such evidence will only be provided via a polygraph. How are preparations for that exercise progressing, RNR?

You brought up the affair to your wife, and it caused a fight. The fight didn't even center around the things you "found out"; like all fights between two people having angry outbursts, it wandered off to other topics, like the iPhone.

If you find out you want to know something else about the affair, FIRST POST ABOUT IT HERE, or email Dr. Harley, rather than just going straight to your wife and bringing it up. Look at all the massive love busters that were the result.

You did good leaving the room; it sounds like that put an end to the fight.

In the heat of the moment, your wife is likely to say LOTS of antagonizing things, like she did in this fight when she threatened to get her own phone (independent behavior). We'll definitely take her to task for that; don't respond with Love Busters.

One thing that really bothers me is she thinks this is all my fault. That does not make me feel good at all.

Dude, it matters not at all what a WS may say! (We can't even be sure that what she is saying is what she is actually thinking! She may very well be admitting to herself that she has acted the part of a $2 streetwalker, but the concept of bringing that forward for external consideration may well be beyond her current ability!)

What matters is the truth - that of the past, the present, and the future.

YOU know it is not your fault, as do most of us here. You keep working the Plan as laid out and monitored by the experts here, and you will stand the best chance for a favorable outcome.

No, of course it does not, which is why you guys should not have discussions about whose fault anything is.

Here's your show.
Radio Clip of RNR2013 & mrs.cen's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

Thanks, Brain! I was sitting here yesterday wishing I could listen to that, and it wasn't in the archives yet.

You're welcome.

I just listened to your show and I must say I am hopeful for you two. Dr Harley gave you two some great advice to get things going. Take him up on his offer to keep in touch and help you through this process.

I posted something similar on your wife's thread and figured I'd share my thoughts here too.

POJA is going to help you two so much. Where it takes time getting the hang of POJA is learning to work together to brainstorm a solution. A lot of answers are things that are way out of the box for us. The answer to the problems many times are things you would normally not consider.

It can be hard especially when things are rather raw, sort of volatile in the relationship � when you are still a bit stuck in old behaviors. Until things like AOs are under control and the impulses to do whatever you want to do are replaced with healthier thoughts accept that POJA and brainstorming are going to be more difficult than they will be once they are gone. Accept that you two are rookies at this and at first it will most likely feel like a frustrating process. Recognize your part. Be flexible in taking the necessary time and be determined to put in the effort to get it right. If you need to separate and come back to it later then do that and do it without being resentful. But keep at it. Keep working PORH and POJA.

The great news for you two is that you have a plan that is going to help you remove those obstacles that keep you two from being successful at PORH and POJA. Keep your eye on the end goal where you two are totally immersed in caring and protecting each other and the marriage.

To me it always sounded odd to use the word �team� when discussing my marriage � but that is what my wife and I are. We�re a team. We now have the best interest of the �team� in all of our intentions. We didn�t always before but after following this program we now do. And it is a very comforting feeling knowing I can be completely honest with her and it isn�t going to lead to all sorts of poor behaviors coming from either one of us.

Some of the key points I think Dr Harley addressed to you revolved around:

AOs - of course you now know you have to remove these. They are the things that drove your W away from you ... along with not having enough UA time together.

Removing yourself from the scene. Remember to say something polite when you begin to feel quite frustrated and you know you need to split for a second to calm down. "I'm sorry I'm feeling a little triggered right now. I need to go calm down.".

Thanks, I do remove myself when things start to flare up. I'm still having major trust issues and in my head I don't think the A is over even though I haven't seen anything recently that would suggest so. She is still not herself, something has changed in her. Basically she's not the woman I married, I'm waiting for that person to come back.

How's the anger management going?

Hi Prisca, haven't seen you here in a while. AO are going very well, I still get angry but I just get up and walk away now as does the wife. I am enrolled for a Anger Management course but it doesn't start until the 27th. It's a two day seminar which is held over two consecutive Saturdays.