I am thankful to this forum for helping me try to save my marriage.

Ultimately I was not able to save it. We were divorced last November.

I have since become engaged and my fiance' has moved in with me.

She is an advertising professional, and we have known each other for 17 years.

My ex and her get along OK, as we were friends before the divorce.

My ex and I live less than a mile apart, and we split time with our girls 50/50.

When my fiance' and I left town this past weekend, my girls decided to drop by my house and check on our kitty. Innocent enough, and my ex drove them over. My 11 year old lets herself in the garage door (she doesn't have a key to the house, just the opener code). Feeds the kitty, plays with her and leaves me a note to say she was there.

The problem is the fiance' sees this as invasion of our privacy.

I agree, but I'm not sure how to approach it.

I do not have a key or opener code to the ex's place. I have never gone over there when she wasn't home.

How do I go about asking for privacy when I am not home, but not come off as being too restrictive to the daughters?

The oldest daughter is 11 and the youngest is now 8.

Any helpful advice would be much appreciated!

Thank you.

Tim,
You are doing exactly OPPOSITE what Dr Harley would recommend.
He recommends you do NOT live together prior to marriage because you develop a renter relationship which is hard to convert to a buyer relationship needed in marriage.

Am I correct in assuming that you started dating this woman while still married?

Thanks, Jedi.

I'm not asking what Dr. Harley would recommend. I paid for his advice (actually paid his daughter while she was in Fiji but that's another matter....LOL)but still landed in divorce land.

Fact is, my fiance' rented out her townhouse and we now live together in my place.

Fact is, my ex seems to thinks it's perfectly fine to drop by when we're not home and that bothers both of us (my fiance' and I).

Help with this is what I am asking for.

Thank you.

Talked to the Ex just a few minutes ago and let her know she was overstepping a boundary that wasn't established yet.

She understood completely, and agreed that our new partners have a right to privacy.

We also agreed that the girls should not be restricted from coming over when the parent isn't home.

We agreed that any future visits be planned in advance, and as brief as possible.

The Ex says she never comes in the house when the girls come by, and I believe her. My examples of me coming over to her place when she wasn't there helped put it in perspective.

I'll update tomorrow after speaking to the fiance' tonight.

Nothing wrong with Jedi letting you know that you might be making a big mistake, though.

And I can't figure out why you'd post on Dr. Harley's forum if you're not interested in what Dr. Harley would recommend.

We get requests here all the time to help people how to figure out how to live in situations that are not adviseable to live in. Sometimes the right answer is "don't live that way"!

To me I can't figure out why your ex and your fiance are friends. That seems extremely undesirable to me.

Hopefully in not too many years your daughters will be able to come by on their own without depending on the ex wife.

I've learned that advice is to be taken, or not.

My ex is not bad to deal with at all.

My fiance' and her have known each other but never took the time to get to know each other. Friend of a friend....etc.

My ex poses no threats, and has good intentions. All of my friends and family are impressed with how "civil" we are.

I think reading all the struggles and strife here tends to lead people into the "divorce=evil" mentality.

Since I'm now divorced, and coming here for help AFTER the fact, I would hope the perspectives are adjusted to understand that people post-divorce feel like they lost. Like they are less than good people. Like they are not worthy of loving or being loved again.

The fact my fiance' and my ex are "friends" shouldn't matter. Each person is unique (just like everyone else LOL). They aren't friends that ever spoke outside of other circles, and generally like each other.

Maybe I'm trying too hard to please everyone?

I thought I'd reach out here for help, without the backtracking into why I ended up here in the first place.

I'm also hoping this thread could help others with similar problems work through it.

The answer of "don't live that way" is not helpful, nor constructive. I am not a religious person, and if I am violating religious covenants, please look past that to offer real help.

I only come here when I cannot find an answer on my own.

I appreciate all feedback.

But living together is a bad idea for religious and non-religious people!

Anyway, I don't understand why you'd come here and expect to get anything other than Dr. Harley style advice. Dr. Harley does have quite a few suggestions to divorced people, to dating people, etc. People like Jedi have invested a lot of time learning that information and are here helpfully passing it on for free.

Whether you live with your fiance or not, contact with an ex still seems untenable to me. You described talking this over with your ex in a way that would make me extremely uncomfortable, if I were your fiance. While that may be working in the short term, I wonder if it's going to become less workable for you in the long term.

Maybe not; I hope things go great for you, and wish you well. But we wouldn't be your friends if we didn't point out to you red flags that indicate possible dangers for your long term happiness. If you are the guy who smokes six packs a day and lives to 98 cancer free, more power to you!

Did you answer this?

I know the Harley way. I spent nearly a year trying to undo what happened to me.

People here are great, and that's why I value the advice I receive.

Problem I encounter is being pigeon-holed with the rest of the people here.

I simply wanted to know how to handle this situation in an adult fashion.

Shunning the ex-wife is not my style. That's Harley's style (so I believe).

So many here tell me to never talk to my ex, banish her, punish her for cheating, maintain no contact....etc.

I cannot for the life of me see the benefit of this post-divorce.

I am working it out on my own over here, and I'll post my strategy for others to follow if they so choose.

Questions like when I started dating are not relevant so I'm not answering those.

Thanks again for not ripping my face off for asking questions. Even if it ruffles some feathers because I am not a hard core follower of Harley's ways.

Divorce changed me. For the better.

It is very relevant. And your refusal to answer is very telling.

Yup.

Started dating before divorced =

Living together before marriage =

Blended family =


Sorry if you don't want to hear it but this is not looking good for your future M. Not only based on what Dr Harley says but what we see on the forums over and over again.

If your ex is not a problem and your fiance loves you enough to agree to marry you despite the existence of your children........

and you need someone to take care of pets and the kids are chosen to do it......

all is good.

If your fiance doesn't want ex to possibly enter the home, have someone besides the kids care for the pets.

Thank you, reading. You answered the question without condemning me for moving on with my life and making the best of what I have.

Red flags are everywhere, and how we deal with those red flags is what separates us as individuals.

I am not above the possibilities that may work against my best intentions, but I am a strong man with much resolve. I know what I'm doing (for the most part LOL) and rarely ask for help.

I enjoy this site. It's tough to come here and ask a question, and then get hit with questions instead.

I am engaged. I have 50/50 custody. I am 46 years old. I have a live-in fiance. She is a professional in the ad agency world. I am a professional auto mechanic and own my own business.

This doesn't make me immune to the chances of failures, but I have a hard time agreeing with EVERYTHING that Harley believes in.

We are setting up appointments for all of us with a professional counselor, and that is important to note.

I came here for a quick response to an immediate concern.

What happened?

I ended up talking with my ex on the day I posted this, and let her know about the boundaries I felt were violated. Of course she wasn't aware of them, and going forward, she knows that she is not welcome at my place when I am not there. Even if there is an excuse that one of the DD's makes up. Whatever it is, I said, can wait until I get home.

My fiance made a good point that even if I trust the ex to NOT snoop, that doesn't mean she WON'T. I agreed that my blindness in the past clouded my judgment of my ex before. Who knows what the ex is capable of? Is she scheming to get full custody? Would she try to find "dirt" on me at my home when I'm not there? Maybe. Maybe not.

Establishing boundaries is a key component of Harley's. Plan B is a good example of this.

I told my ex long ago, that when we got divorced, I would not be her friend. I'm not her "go-to" guy anymore. She's just the mother of my children. Nothing more, nothing less.

Thank for the constructive replies.

No hard feelings here. I appreciate all of your replies.

Do you and your fiance use POJA?

Yes, we do.

That's one of the many lessons I learned along the way, and one of the BEST.

Another is communication. Lack of this helped torpedo my marriage. We both assumed a lot during the marriage, and we both suffered from a lack of POJA.

My fiance was married twice before and swore off marriage entirely.

She has visited this site to read up on Harley's ways, and likes it!

She has no kids from the previous two marriages, and appreciates my openness and desire for clear communication.

Good. Have you read optimism's thread? He and his new wife have a MB marriage and even were on the radio show a few times.

They really worked POJA while dating.

Does your fiance have a problem with all your contact with your WXW?

No, I have not.....but I certainly will now that you mentioned it. Thanks!

My fiance knew/knows my ex, and admits that she never really got to know her that well in the past. The same story comes out from most of my friends... My ex wasn't very talkative, and maybe it was/is the anti-depressants she's on, or just her reclusive personality. I dunno, and no longer care. By the time I recognized what was happening, it was too late. Oh well.

My fiance speaks to the ex when she comes over. The atmosphere is friendly. No animosity at all... She's just very suspicious of my ex's capabilities when we're not around. I agree. I have no idea how far the ex can or will go. So that alone is a good reason to limit contact to kids only.

I feel a lot better now knowing the ex has been banished from dropping by when I'm gone, and possibly using the kids as an excuse to look around, take pictures, snoop, etc.... who knows?

I am grateful for this site, and so is my fiance. She gives this site a lot of credit for grooming me

Would your fiance be willing to post here also?

Also here you go.
optimism's Another After Divorce Story

TB,

It's obvious that you don't like the advice you are receiving, but you have to realize that it is all really given in the best interest of you developing a healthy marriage at some point.

As far as cohabitation, Dr. Harley doesn't base this opinion on Ivory Tower Speculation - it's a marked observation by several professionals.

From a 2012 article in the New York Times;


http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/o...re-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0


This is just one of several.


It's kind of like heart disease; there are several factors which can increase or decrease your probability of developing heart disease. Do you want to compound risk factors? Probably not.

So, why compound risk with previous divorce and a blended family with cohabitation?