You don't know the half of it! An affair does just about the same thing to a brain as a heroin addiction.

Thanks Markos and Brainhurts!

Yes, I agree that it makes more sense to have less and less to do with one another. The problem is that my ex still is so much a part of the girls' soccer and activities. He comes to the games, and of course, I do too. They play Select, so we split the amounts and have to talk about uniform sizes/who is paying what. I suppose we could use an Intermidiary, but it would seem strange to impose that when we always discuss these things. But I totally understand that if it weren't for my emotional healing, I have to do something to change. It's just so INCREDIBLY HARD. He's done a terrible thing to me and my girls. But he seems to always be trying to make it up by being supportive financially, paying more than he has to, helping when the girls fight, and by offering to pick them up/ take them to practice for me. I know that guilt can make a person do this, and that's probably what motivates him to be so helpful.

There are times when he acts like we are still married, even though we aren't. We don't connect physically and don't discuss emotional issues anymore, as far as things that happened to him and I. So, for that matter, it's over and done with. But again, there's a part of me that still hopes he will regret his decision, and the affair own't result in marriage. Or if it does, that it will not last. That part of me seeks vindication.

I have never told his/her boss about the affair. I don't know that it will do any good to tell the boss (who is now her boss only), but since it began as a workplace thing, I've considered it in the past. Since so much time has gone by, what would that accomplish, anyway? Other than totally piss him off?

My parents want me to be so DONE with him. To refuse to allow him in the house, like he does now. I KNOW deep down that I need to do that. I've been going with the path of least resistance though. If he were a total jerk all the time, didn't help me at all, then it would be SOOOOO much easier for me. Now I have to live with the fact that I lost my husband, feel like I was inadequate to his needs, and always wonder what I could have done differently to affair proof my marriage.

You're assisting the affair.

You're helping to keep it going.

Do you know how/why?

Your ex is a liar and a cheat. You are NOT the inadequate one. He lost YOU.

You cannot control him bringing your kids around OW, so you might as well concern yourself with things within your control. Like contact with him. Limit it as much as possible, if not altogether (Plan B).

If he has something to say regarding the kids, he can email you.

Thank you, TryingEverything! I know inside that it was his decision and that I was willing to work on things. He has to live with it now.

Lexxy - I assume you mean because I enable him to "have his cake and eat it too" by getting his fix from being around me and then going off to her? I know. It's gotten better though, seriously. Since the divorce happened so quickly, it took a while to separate finances and "act" as if we were still married. Heck, some people in the community still think we're married when we are at events and they see us sitting near one another. Of course, it's not really an affair anymore since we are divorced! Just still feels like it. My therapist even said that it's almost as if he's still having an affair!

I posted recently on "Surviving an Affair" but I probably need to be on this thread.

I've been divorced since Nov 2008. It's been the darkest period of my life. My ex husband had an affair. We have 3 girls together, and they know what happened. I was married for 14 years. She was a coworker.

Right now, they are all at a wedding. (My ex sister-in-law is getting married). This is the first family event he has invited the OW to. I saw a picture on FB that my ex brother in law posted, and she is there. What kills me the most is to know that she's around my girls. My girls weren't in the pic, but there she is.

I know that she will NEVER replace me as their mother. She can never do what I do for them, day in and day out. But, she just doesn't deserve to be around them, and enjoy them. Life seems so incredibly unfair. How did I ever get here? My ex did the cruelest, most horrible thing he could ever do. And yet, he's there, having fun and going about his merry way.

The OW and my ex aren't married. They aren't engaged. They see each other occasionally on weekends. I know that they have taken two trips together. I just wish that they would get on with it, and move it to the next level, so the adjustment of them finally marrying and my girls being around her more can take place. It's been a SLOOOOOW grueling process. He's only recently brought her around them. At least she's never been to a sporting event, but I have to brace myself for that one day. I just have to pray, pray hard for being able to get fully past this.

I know that there are people out there who divorce and have to deal with their ex and OW together. So, if others can survive it, I know I can, with a tremendous amount of prayer. And thinking that karma will one day bite him where it hurts. Maybe the bitterness will ease up at some point....when I find that special person....

So your daughters know that this ow is the reason you are divorced?

Yes, they know. My oldest had the hardest time with it.

You did not deserve this outcome but you will get through it.

Try to refocus on you.

On you moving onward without a care about them. If that means not viewing facebooks of ex in laws.......don't.

Give your children your total love when with them

and

karma will probably visit the traveling, coworkers someday.

It just seems that nature is amazingly balanced that way.

Thank you Reading! Absolutely! Give those girls my everything. They are my reason for living.

I do need to keep myself from viewing FB posts and pics. Just soooo hard to do. I tell myself I won't, but then in a moment of weakness, I scroll through Facebook to see there are posts of what my girls are doing with their dad. : ( Social media is great, but when it comes to trying to avoid any contact with an ex (Plan B), it is way too accessible. Back then, we wouldn't have that access.

I do hope that somehow, the unjustice, sins of those involved with somehow be vindicated. Hopefully nature keeps this one in balance too!

Supportive words on here help so very much.

Do you have your XH blocked on Facebook? I would block anyone that triggers you, protect yourself.

You never know what will happen. My wxh and his ow recently broke up...4 days after d day.

Brainhurts, I posted a reply yesterday from my phone, but I guess it didn't go through.

Anyway, I am NOT friends with my ex on FB. But friends of friends are, and so are my daughters. So, I may inadvertently see a post, but it's not very often. When his brother posted that pic from the wedding, it came across through my feed.

SmilingWoman - Yes, I know that most relationships that start from an affair don't make it. I've read so much stuff on the internet. I need to stop obsessing about that. Who know though, my ex and the OW will probably be the few in that 3% who make it. Oh well, a few less lonely people in this world, I suppose.

Even if they wind up being one of the 3%........it will be built on a shaky foundation of having trashed a marriage/family. It won't be very beautifully romantic due to that.

Refocus always back to yourself and your children.

When you catch yourself ruminating about your ex......stop yourself and take a deep breath.

Yes, Reading, I will have to do that. Distract myself. I've seriously considered hypnosis. Something to get to my subconscious and make me truly not care, consistently. I think I am gonna make an appointment with this therapist.

You care because you still have an account for him in your Love Bank.
That isn't a bad thing.
It makes you pretty wonderful.

Anyway, you can feel care about it but not let yourself think about it much.
You do that by catching yourself thinking about it and taking a moment to go "Aha! There I go again! Better think about politics or going someplace like the zoo with the kids soon."

Redirect yourself. Constantly and then it will get less and less.

You don't need a hypnotist to stop consistently thinking about it.

You need to work on your redirection 'muscles'.

That, and doing your best to avoid triggers (not being friends on facebook with people who are hanging out with your ex).

Haha....I meant four YEARS after D day....I was about convinced they would be in the 3% who make it since it went on for so long. So ya never know.

Almosthealed, I think you should ask the moderators to connect your two threads.

You gave a lot of info in the last thread about how connected you still are to your WxH and how much he is still involved in your life, comes over, etc and how even your parents want you to be DONE with him. And you were advised to Plan B him and you seemed to agree yourself.

You are probably propping up the affair by still being involved -- the OW is still competing with you and some of your ex's needs are being met by you. If you close that door, you force her to meet all the needs and she loses the excitement of wanting to be the better choice to your ex.

Not to mention, and this is the more important part, you are going to remain stuck. You should be much further along in your personal recovery, five years out, than you are right now. I hardly think of my ex. I could care less what he and OW4 are up to - they are getting married soon. Good for them! I honestly never thought I would be to this point but here I am, one year from the D.

Aside from getting into a Plan B, I would close the FB and maybe open a dummy account so that you can keep your eye on what your girls are up to but block your ex and the in-laws.

^^^^^ This.

Reading...good points, well taken. I could never imagine myself with the person he's become, so it shouldn't be this hard. I guess I miss the person he used to be.

I need to work harder at redirecting. Definitely. It only happens when my girls are gone, or most recently, when I know they are around the "other woman."

Susieq, I totally realize that I will always be stuck by allowing him to be around me so much. It's so frustrating to realize and I've resisted changing anything because its been a comfort. Now though, I act more and more distant with him after he's been around her and taken the girls around her. And it's funny because he still makes it a point to tell me who is is talking to on the phone if it wasn't her. Like he wants to make sure I realize it wasn't her (like if we are together at our kids events). As if I need to know. We are divorced!

So yes, it's a comfort to him to allow me to meet whatever needs I fill. I never thought of her still competing with me though. Interesting point. She can have him fully now. It's no fight anymore. He's got to move on fully too.