Golden opportunity for IC. Ask her open ended questions about her dream career. I.E. if you could do any job, what would it be. Why? How would you go about making that dream come true? Questions where you are getting to know her. Questions that require more than a yes or no answer.
Then just listen and learn. One of the things she did say about the OM is that he would listen and empathize with where she was. He didn't offer solutions, but a shoulder to cry on or laugh with.
So get her talking about her dreams.
Or really anything she wants to talk about.

My bride and I did this last week over drinks. Even though we've done it before, we still find it fruitful to check in with one another to see if the dreams have changed.

(She would do volunteer work with an organization such as the Red Cross. I am still an 8 year old and would be an astronaut or race car driver. But since 50 is a bit late to start that career, maybe as a hobby. )

Such coversations do offer ideas for gifts, RC events, and maybe even ideas for SF.

No need to have scary relationship discussions. Dating is about getting to know one another and doing fun and exciting things together. Our first date was an evening at a minigolf place with batting cages, bumper boats and go karts. We then retired to Steak n Shake to talk the night away.

So how do you bring back, or intoduce good IC and fun UA?

I didn't see you address that aspect of my post. So what are you doing on that front?

I think the key is to transform this into a problem that you intend to solve together, as a team. From what I heard, it does not sound to me that your wife wants a situation where she never feels like connecting sexually with her husband.

True. Good point.

Ok, first of all listening to the show, this is how I felt.

Boy, I remember when I quit work to stay home from with the kids. I missed the outside interaction so much. I felt isolated. I'm starting to feel it again now that my kids are leaving the nest. Some days it was hard to get out of bed because I had nothing to look forward to. And add in the affair that she had and now she really doesn't feel like she is worth anything. That person gave her the feeling she was worth something.....

So, if I were you this is probably how I would approach it. Pretend like you are dating for at least the next month. And pretend like you like my husband and I were when we were dating and sex was off the table. We waited until marriage. Compliment her. Take her fun places. Give her a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Pretend like you don't know anything about her at all. Be curious. Just forget you have a history for the moment. Start from scratch. What is she like now? What does she like to do? Woo her. Just concentrate on having fun with her. Build her up. Compliment anything at all that you like about her or feel she does well. Then at the end of that month, re-evaluate. See how she feels about herself and about you.

BTW I applaud you for sticking with her after the affair. I can't imagine how difficult that would be...

We had our monthly session with Jennifer this evening. If nothing else, we get lots of counseling! We may have some new motivation going on. We'll see what happens. DW has proposed 20 hours a week! And went the extra mile to make sure we get our date night tomorrow despite our regular babysitter canceling last minute.

Here's your show.
Radio Clip of FightTheFight and feuillecouleur
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

Already? Awesome thank you!

I've been a little behind here lately and just now saw this, FTF. Great news!

I've been listening to our show again and taking notes. I've just listened to the part where Dr Harley is talking about the two types of women in general. He describes the first type as "I only want to have sex when I am in love". My W identifies as this type.

If that is true, I can't remember the last time my wife was in love with me. Yet she was in love with some other guy enough to be lusting after him. LUSTING! I've never experienced lusting from my W. Never. Not dating, not ever.

Now you may say I just don't remember, but I say I would remember that!

I want to have this discussion with her but I feel it's probably counterproductive. So I'll put it here instead.

Are you saying her love bank has never been full for you?

If you get her love bank full she will be madly in love with you.

That's what I'm saying. I think that's entirely possible. I was a rebound relationship from her high school boyfriend.

But Dr. Harley says that anyone can fall in love with anyone as long as they are meeting their ENs and don't commit Love Busters. As long as your love bank stays positive.

I know you already know this. It takes time.

Are you committing any love busters at all?

Yes - that is the difference a full love bank makes.

Like I say, people do this every day. Do the "right" things with someone, and you fall in love with them. That is why it is so crucially important to do those things with your spouse, and only with your spouse.

Remember, affairs are rooted in fantasy. You are not a fantasy. In a fantasy, you can imagine anything. What you are working to build is a hard, sustainable reality. That is a lot harder to do. Your wife's emotional response to her affair, no matter how strong it seemed to be, was fake. That is why affairs so seldom work out.

I think that this rather diminishes the real threat of infidelity, and the real lesson to be learned.

Now, nobody wants to hear it, but let's put it right out there; A Love Bank balance high enough to trigger Romantic Love, and cause the desire to meet the emotional needs of the Affair Partner are very, very REAL. This is why No Contact for life is the very baseline EP.

The fantasy that exists is based off of a couple things; the absence of Love Busters in the adulterous relationship, and the other important Emotional Needs that the betrayed spouse meets.

The absence of Love Busters presented by the AP creates a contrast effect with the BS that causes every one of their Love Busters to be gargantuan in comparison to prior to the affair, or even for some time after the affair ends.

So, one of the first things a BS can do, is to ELIMINATE their Love-Busting behaviors.

The second, is to improve your expertise at meeting your spouse's needs. A BS is already at an advantage when it comes to this, as some needs like DS, FS, and FC are only being met by the BS - so, shore those up for some penny deposits, and then go for the bang with intimate EN's whenever possible.

However, the absence of Love Busting and the needs met by a BS are also part of the reason Plan B is implemented for either neglect, abuse, or a continuing affair. In the case of a continuing affair, it leaves the affair to stand on it's own without the ENs provided by the BS, Plan A creates some contrast... and without the BS supporting ENs like DS, FS, and FC directly, the affair is prone to start experiencing Love-Busting behavior... and then the "fantasy" crumbles.


To restate; the "fantasy" of an affair is an environment of little or no Love Busters. The Love Bank balance at the threshold of Romantic Love is very real, and it is the biggest threat to saving a marriage (also note; an affair that ends "the right way" will more often than not leave a Romantic Love threshold balance intact).

No progress on the daycare situation. We tried discussing it last night but she is fixed on staying with it for another two years until our DD can be put into preschool.

How's the UA going?

I wish it could be better. We haven't been out this week because DS has swim lessons in the evening from 7-8 PM. Should have planned that out better ahead of time but we signed him up a couple of months ago without thinking.

We did buy season passes to the local amusement park though and we went there on Saturday. Planning to go back this Saturday as well.

Meanwhile, I am spending as much time with the family as possible.

Oh and scheduled SF is gone. Just trying to make deposits wherever I can.

How are the lovebusters?