Too bad!

If she's not here posting asking for assistance in doffing her skank-hood, she's reading to understand (with the goal of counteracting) any actions that might be suggested to you to fight her actions.

You should hit "notify" at the bottom of this note and alert the mods to this development.

TSM,

Might be a good time to get a polygraph for your WW then.

If she wants a clean slate it starts with WW.

God Bless
Gamma

So, in other words, she is more interested in maintaining her comfort zone than in undergoing change which will give her a better marriage.


Yep. Ours did. Unfortunately, at the time, I thought this "christian" counselor was the way to go. He was a former pastor. I didn't know just how much "suck" there was.

I learned that christianity is a field where someone can be an engineer because he had a train wreck, and a "doctor" of it for 250 bucks.

He knew the bible in a very formulaic way which was largely derived from "traditions of men" (like Jesus said).


Agreed. Sometimes, that's the case. Too much hurt. Too many "love busters", and love IS BUSTED.

I think she's more trying to win me back now and finally started reading the articles Dr. Harley has on the website. The problem is the month and a half she made me wait and suffer through sent me over an edge. I have to find my way back before I will commit to anything and that's the way its going to have to be. She had her chance, I did everything I could to get her to join in and put at least a bit of effort to save our marriage until the stuff she kept doing just sent me over the edge. Someone can only take so much.

Meanwhile, last night WW's sister flew in to town and she asked me to watch the kids when she went to pick her up from the airport. Of course I did but she trickled out some more details she had previously not disclosed, they were nothing major but I just lost it.. The details were about a gesture during intimacy she did for me and even after I discovered the affair she promised that was always only for me and she would never do that for anyone else, well anyways she let it trickle out that she tried to do it for OM but didn't end up doing it because he didn't want her to. We had discussed this and she said she would never even think of doing it with someone else because it was something sacred and special but her excuse was she said she meant she has never done it to someone else and that it is special. The topic came up when I had told her I feel like nothing was off limits for her and we don't have anythign special anymore and she brought that up to make me feel better (she said it was for me and me only). What sent me over the edge I think was her trying to say she meant that she never did it for anyone else not that she would never even try to do it, she is trying to justify her dishonesty IMO.

Anyways, I can't handle it anymore, I am too fargone for that at this point. She doesn't understand everytime any details come put its worse than even the initial discovery. Even if its something small it still hurts more. You put your hope that they are telling you the whole truth and every time more trickles out you not only relive the initial hurt you even get more hurt piled on because of the dishonestly.

Our 1st counseling session is scheduled for today, she says she is still going but I am not even sure if I can stomach it at this point, especially after last night. I guess I'll mull it over until the time to make a decision comes, any advice would be great!

And gamma, IDK if she would be open to that but honestly so much little details keep emerging all the time that I wouldn't even know what to ask her anymore. I just wish she could flat out say everything she remembers happened, all the emotions she felt, how she felt about me compared to him... just everything she knows. I don't know how to cover all that stuff or what all it is I need to know honestly.

TX.

Until you know the whole truth your marriage will continue to die the death of a thousand cuts .... trickle truth ... if they haven't killed it for you already.

Dr Harley's policy is to get the whole truth out there and then put it behind you. Your M won�t survive if you continue to live in the past. At that point the M will need you to look toward the goal of recovery.

I�m sorry you�re having such a hard time. I�d love to talk you into trying. We all know if you go down the path of recovery with your W and you both throw yourselves into this process you can regain what was lost, gain back the trust, have a M better than ever before.

There are a great number of posters here that would be happy to help you down that path. They just need your commitment to try.

Tell WW that if she wants you to do marriage counseling that she has to schedule you with the Harley's.

I thought I would provide you guys an update on my story. I have been roaming around and commented on a couple of threads the last month but here's what happened.

WW is in full remorse mode and has decided she wants our marriage. I initially moved out for like 2 weeks because my resentment had built up and it got to the point that I had angry outbursts and it was really leading down a very bad path. After 2 weeks WW I think got hit with reality and learned what life without me was going to be like. She has completely changed her tune and wants to do everything possible to work our marriage out. I know there was questions about the truth about what happened and I do know the entire truth regarding her infidelity so that is no longer an issue.

The issue now is my feelings. After about a week and a half of coming back to see if there was anything left in our marriage, I decided that even though there is love and care for WW as a person and friend I no longer feel like she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am so disgusted with what she did, that she was able to do it and that I have to live with that if I choose to be with her and I can't handle that. WW is the only woman I've ever been with and regardless of any thoughts or curiousity or opportunities I had throughout our 10 1/2 year relationship I could never betray her the way she did me.

Sadly, I cannot move on with her, be happy and be loyal (like she deserves). I do not want to be a bad person and ever do to her what she did to me and unfortunately I am convinced it will happen in the future if I try to recover our marriage.

My reason for posting is to update you guys, let you know I'm ok and also (because I appreciate all the advice I've gotten and really think it's been great advice) to get a little more advice if possible. So, now that I have made this decision and communicated it clearly with WW I am confused about how I should move forward. I am moving into my new place on the 31st of August and WW has made it clear this is not what she wants but I know it is what I need. I am not sure that I will never want a relationship but I do know that in my 10 1/2 year relationship I have lost myself. I don't know what I enjoy, I have very little friends because I've always focused on career and family and not much else. I do want to see what life alone is like, if I absolutely love WW to the point of not being able to live without her and if I can get over what she has done (I won't lie, I also want to see what happens and what life is without a wife). WW has asked me to not file for divorce yet because she is hopeful we can still work things out. Is this a good idea? I don't want to mislead her and have been very clear that I no longer want our romantic relationship. I do love her and care for her and care for her well-being, is it wrong that I do want to be friends? She has been my best friend for 10 1/2 years and one of my only 2-3 friends over the last 7 or 8 years. Can we be friends or this something that I am being irrational to expect? Also, I cannot move into my new place until the end of the month and WW has kept trying to hug, cuddle and have intimate relations even though I tell her its not a good idea and that it will not change anything. Please provide me some advice of how to best handle the situation, I do not want to hurt WW and I don't want to be a jerk. I feel like crap when I decline her advances and wishes but I also know what I feel and what I'm going to do and I don't want to lead her on in any way. As selfish as I feel for walking out on my marriage and breaking up my family; I know I can't be happy with WW. (Like I said, I'm not absolutely positive I never will be able to be happy but I know that right now my feelings are not there.)

Your opinions and information are always greatly appreciated.

Two months of affair destruction and recovery is awfully short to be making life-altering decisions, tsm, especially decisions involving terminating a 10.5 year marriage.

Can you see yourself agreeing to an additional six months to having her try to earn back your respect and love, and give you a better marriage than you had before? Even if you move out, which will only make it tougher on HER, it is possible.

How about looking at it this way: You've been here two months, with (conservatively) five peer-counselors investing their efforts in recovering your marriage with you. That's ten man-months of effort. Surely it's not too much to suggest that you put six man-months back in, is it?

Whaddaya say?

Are you protecting your LB from others making deposits?

It is your right to end the marriage if that is what you want to do. No one will blame you.

However, given that you have children, I would strongly encourage you to try to recover your marriage. It is better for them, and in the long run, it is better for you. Divorce will take a toll on your relationship with your children, as well as your finances. Divorce is very hard on men.

Believe it or not, it is entirely possible to have a wonderfully romantic relationship with her, despite the betrayal. I urge you to try.

If you do decide to move on, it will not be possible for you to remain friends with your wife. You need to decide to either try to recover your marriage, or move on and cut her out of your life altogether. You can't have both.

Read: Men, do not leave your home!

Well I found out the first week of June so its almost been 3 months but I understand its a relatively short period in the grand scheme of things. The problem is I don't feel the spark, after I found out of the affair we have been intimate and cuddled and hugged but it doesn't feel the same. I don't feel the way I used to, I know deep down I don't. At this point, I don't know if it would do any good and I really don't know if I even want to try. The embarrassment and humiliation for me I think would be too much. I have a real problem accepting that I have to be that guy whose wife cheated on him, made him look like a fool and he kept her. It is a hard pill for me to ever see myself swallowing.

Honestly, no. I did have a person I spoke to alot for like 2 1/2 weeks. I found out she was engaged and I told her it was best for us not to speak because I would not do that to another man. I think he found out right around the same time and we have cut off all communication.

That is one of the problems, I don't know that I want to cutoff my LB from other people anymore. I did that for 10 1/2 years and as much as other women tried I never let them in and WW did it emotionally once about 5 years ago and then did it again this year but this time it was EA that led to physical and everything imaginable.

Hi TX,
Be careful here. What you just said is normal BH fogbabble for someone looking for a reason to cat around.

You were married for 13 years. Isn't your wife worth 1 year to see if something new can rise from the ashes?

Yup, sounds like you met someone and trying to cut ties with your wife to be with her.

I understand I did post I met someone else and spoke to them but then cutoff all communication. Thats the problem is I am at the point that I don't want the relationship anymore. I don't want to sneak around, I don't want to lie and I haven't. I have been totally honest with WW about my actions, communication with other women and my intentions. I don't feel the connection or love for a partner as I did before. I don't know how to fix it and I don't think its possible to fix at this point anymore; I just don't feel the same.

What else can I do? I don't want to be in a relationship and have a wandering eye and I don't want to bring the pain I felt to WW. Everybody knows themselves and I know at this point I can't move on in a relationship, its hurt my feelings, pride and me too much. I can't justify what WW did after all we've been through (if you're not familiar with my entire story please read opening posts), the trust will never be there again and the commitment to her will never be there again.

Yep, if you want to do that, do it right: get a divorce. You can get one quickly most of the time. It will be much less traumatic for all concerned.

BUT, truly, if you are letting someone make deposits, then you are not thinking straight and can't make a good decision on this. Your children need you to be thinking straight - their mother has already gotten herself a heroin addiction (affair). It is best if their father also does not become addicted to someone else right now.

The problem is that you brought yourself to that point, by talking to another woman. It affected your feelings. That is why you feel different about your relationship now.

It is the exact same thing your wife did when she had her affair!

It's not any better for you or your kids for you to do it than it is for her to do it.


Well, you have a choice, man. Don't sit on the fence. A divorce is easy to get: go down and see an attorney this afternoon and you can have a fast divorce if you like.

One solution to a wandering eye is to not have one! Notice how you described your BEHAVIOR as if it is an intrinsic characteristic. It's not "I'm speaking to other women" or "I'm looking at other women." (Behavior.) Instead you blamed your eye and pretended it's just something about you that is unchangeable: "I have a wandering eye." It's your behavior. You can change it if you want.

And if you want to stay married, you MUST.

If you don't want to stay married, no problem - go get divorced.

Txs,

I would ask that you give this more thought. Right now you are in a state of withdrawal. You said it yourself. She's pushed you over the edge. She wasn't remorseful soon enough and didn't do what was necessary to pull you back into a state of intimacy. And now you find yourself on the opposite end of that spectrum.

My gut tells me you are where most withdrawn spouses are. To get back to a state of intimacy you have to go through the state of conflict. The state of conflict for you involves more than just conflicts of the M but what to do with the conflicts the affair creates for your pride in yourself, respect and trust of your W. It is far easier to remain withdrawn than it is to enter into that state. Fear, pride, anger and as markos stated the contract effect with this OW � all factors in that decision.

There are children involved and so it will be common for all of us to wish you to give it a shot for their sake. Respect and trust can be earned. Be damned the foolish pride.

Feelings follow actions TXS. It is possible for you to regain your intimate thoughts of your W. Entering into the state of conflict will take you to the place where you will learn to trust and respect her again. You will never know if you don�t put forth the effort.

Then don't. You are an adult and as such should be able to focus your attention and drive to eliminate the wandering eye. Giving your WW a chance to provide you JC and actions that will hopefully bring about intimate feelings will help her avoid experiencing any pain ... as well as the pain you have to be feeling today.

Isn't your wife worth it TX? Do you want to be able to face your children knowing you did everything you could? Do you want to be on your death bed wondering "What if?"