My wife told me about it, but deliberately picked a time when I wasn�t really paying attention as she could sneak it under the wire.

I�m back on my original thread to tell you about an incident that happened last week, and how we handled it (or in some ways, mishandled it).

Things have been going just great for us. We moved seven months ago, and have built a new life here that the whole family is very happy with. I am now retired and I spend my time writing software, keeping the house in order, and providing primary care for our autistic son. My wife is working at her new job. It is there where the story starts.

There is a local festival, like a county fair, that is held every fall. My wife decided she wants to try her luck at the baking contest. She has been trying new recipes and taking them to work. There she leaves cards out for people to write their opinions. She had one desert that she made that I tried some of (I�m an insulin-dependent diabetic so I really shouldn�t be eating lots of high glycemic-index foods) and I know for a fact was quite spectacular. Somebody left a comment card that said only �Marry Me�. My wife told me about it, but deliberately picked a time when I wasn�t really paying attention as she could sneak it under the wire. Several days later, a guy cornered her when nobody else was around and revealed himself as the perpetrator. She waited another day, and then told me about that directly. Her reason for the delay was that she was afraid I would just tell her to stop taking in deserts to work, and she didn�t want to stop. My actual reaction was to say that I am not going to �tell� you to do anything; this is something we need to discuss and find a mutual enthusiastic agreement.

We had a POJA discussion, the result of which was a decision that she should report the incident to her work supervision and let the organization handle it. The guy ended up having to apologize.

At this point, I could just you what I carried away from all of this, but I�d rather hear what you have to say first.

Your wife should have been immediately radically honest and shared with you right away what had happened. That she waited to tell you is troubling, but she at least didn't wait long.

She waited another day, and then told me about that directly. Her reason for the delay was that she was afraid I would just tell her to stop taking in deserts to work, and she didn�t want to stop. My actual reaction was to say that I am not going to �tell� you to do anything; this is something we need to discuss and find a mutual enthusiastic agreement.

We had a POJA discussion, the result of which was a decision that she should report the incident to her work supervision and let the organization handle it. The guy ended up having to apologize.

If you make radical honesty safe for her (I assume you didn't have an AO or DJ), then she will eventually not fear it and will begin to see it as something intimate.

Since she does seem to fear it now, I would suggest she set a rule for herself similar to the one I have: If, at any time, I find myself thinking "I don't want markos to know about this because ..." I tell him immediately, regardless of how much it may frighten me.

If a man was to enjoy the bread I make and then give me glowing compliments, asking me, even jokingly, to marry him, that would deposit some major love units with me. (Although he would have a tough time competing with my H, who very successfully meets my need for admiration.) Did his compliment do the same for your wife?

If so, then she likely ought to only bake for a select few, who include only women.

I have never been one to have AOs.

What my wife thought at first was that it was no big deal. As she thought about it more, she realized she should tell me, but didn't want to upset me. So, she told me when she knew I wasn't really listening. When the guy cornered her, that is when she knew that telling me for real was unavoidable. The delay after that was her trying to find the right moment.

I got that impression

Some suggestions to think about ... In addition to your wife working on radical honesty, it would be a good idea for you to work on dropping what ever you are doing to listen to her when she speaks to you. If, for some reason you CAN'T do that at the moment, then say a "Give me 15 minutes, Hon, then I can give you my attention ..." Or something along those lines. Make a point to listen whenever she has something to say. This is something you can do to prevent a situation where she can try to tell you something when you aren't really listening.