Hello, short time reader, first time poster. My wife and I have been separated for about two and a half months and are in the process of getting a divorce. We have been married for 17 years and together for 27. She had a one time fling with one of my best friends(in fact he was in our wedding) that I found out about the day it happened. When I confronted her about it she confessed, of course he denied it. I left that day, but kept in touch at least twice a day with our daughter who is 13. After a week my wife said that she had decided she wants a divorce and hasn't looked back since. I'll admit that at first I wanted to save our marriage, but now I'm just ready to get it over with and move on. My stbx insists that her decision has nothing to do with the other man,but nonetheless is still seeing him. He lives with his parents (he's a 42 year old man) about an hour away from us. My stbx has even moved about about half way between. Our daughter is living with me and I wouldn't want it any other way. She and I have gotten a lot closer and I honestly don't think I would have gotten through this without her. At first we told our daughter that we were going the divorce because we just weren't happy, then about a month after we separated she comes home from a weekend with her mom and tells me that they spent the weekend with him and his two daughters in at hotel. I lost it and told her that he was part of the reason we were getting the divorce. That her mom has chosen to be with him over me. I felt bad later for giving her this info but have since felt that she deserves the truth. The thing is my daughter really likes this guy and especially his daughters, being an only child she's seeing step-sisters in her future. My stbx is now spending more time with this guy and his daughters than she is with her own daughter. She even missed our daughters first therapy session last Thursday because she "didn't have the gas to get there" but drove the same distance the next day to spend the day with him and his daughters. I know this because she told our daughter she was with them. Of course our daughter was hurt. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle any more questions or comments about this from my daughter? I can't help but get mad whenever she brings his name up. She keeps telling me that I should give him one more chance to be a friend, so I know she doesn't understand the depth of their deception, but I also let her know that he's not the kind of person I want in my life.

Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here, friend.

First, you should be aware that many of us here have experienced infidelity in our M's AND thanks to Dr Harley's program are recovering! It is very possible that if you take the right steps, your M can survive this onslaught.

If you want to try to save your M, please hit notify at the bottom and have this thread moved to Surviving an Affair. You will get help from many of us who have been in your shoes.

Your WW is what Dr. Harley calls the Fog. She is in love with another man and not using her HEAD right now to make good decisions concerning her future.

MB offers a very specific plan of action to 1) Break up the A and then 2)Restore your M to become better than it has ever been before.

However, regardless of the decisions you make going forward, to answer you question, Dr Harley absolutely recommends exposure.

Exposure means telling everyone of the A. Friends, family, her employer if it is a workplace A. See, A's thrive in secrecy. When you expose, it speeds up the process. Most A's die within 2 years.

And YES your daughter has every right to know what her mom has done! Dr Harley is very specific about this.

Why do YOU feel bad about telling your daughter what mom has done? She CHOSE to do this KNOWING the pain it would cause both you and your D!!! No one had a gun to her head.

Please read all you can on the website. Basic concepts, exposure letter templates etc. Order SAA today! Do yourself a favor. It will be extremely eye opening to you.

I know how you feel...it is the worse experience I have ever gone through in my life.

One more thing...make no mistake. THE reason she doesn't want to be with you is because of this POSOM!! Period.

How about paying this loser a visit? Tell him to stay away from YOUR WIFE!

20,I've read a lot of the site before posting and got alot of help. To answer your question no, I don't want to save the marriage. I don't want to be with someone who is capable of doing what she did. I really don't care to expose the affair because it really wouldn't change anything. Her family already knows in fact her dad knows exactly what I'm going through. That's one reason I feel my daughter should know how much it hurts me so maybe the chain could be broken. My stbx is in complete denial about her mom's (who is deceased) indiscretions. At the same time I want to help my daughter have a good good healthy relationship with her mom.
I have definitely thought about paying him a visit, but I don't think it would be a smart thing to do. An assault charge wouldn't look good for me in a custody hearing. Also anything I do or say about him will just drive her closer to him. Knowing both of them like I do I know that when the passion wears off things are going to die quickly.

I understand. It is very difficult to imagine that there is even a remote possibility that you could have a loving, trusting M with your W at this time.

BUT, Dr. Harley's research and experience point to something that when I first heard it..was difficult to digest. That is..We are ALL wired to have an A. Under the right conditions You, me, everyone is capable of having an A.

So to say you don't want to be with someone capable of doing this eliminates everyone on the planet.

Poor boundaries around other men IS the reason she had an A.


Further, under the right conditions, we can create an A-proof M in which having an A is virtually impossible to have. This is what my FWW and I have created. We have Extraordinary Precautions in place that make it pretty much impossible for her to have another A.

This is what makes MB so special.

I caution you in making any major decisions for at least 6 months. At one time, I thought like you. NO WAY would I want to restore my M. 1.5yrs into R later, our M has never been better. Do I struggle? Yes. Absolutely. But, I owe it to my 2 children to do my best to have a wonderful M with their mother...for their sake. I also know that my best shot at happiness is with HER!


In the end, again, yes your D should know all the details regardless. No one here will deny you that you have every right to D. No questions there.

Just know there is a WAY to restore your M if you decide to give it a shot.

No one said anything about a fight. How do you know that this will drive them closer? ...you don't.


You just going to roll over and let this POS run off with YOUR WIFE??

I chose to divorce my cheating now xh. My ds was 9 at the time. I told him the truth. It is good to get your words together and learn to speak the truth without venom ( something I did not always manage to do). One thing I told my son was that his dad was not doing right, but that he had the ability to stop doing wrong any time he wanted. And that although it was too late to save our marriage his dad could still save himself.

It is important to not morally confuse your dd, so it is good you are being honest with her that her mom is doing something wrong.

You need to tell your DD the truth.

DD, when married mom's and dad's do not have boyfriends/girl friends and go on romantic dates. This is your mom left. She has left the marriage to date the OM. This is what your mom doing. It is called an affair.

Simple, clear, to the point, age appropriate.

I would call the OMW and let her know that her WH is having an affair with your WW. The OMW deserves to be told the truth.

Known liars that the WW and OM are can not be believed when they say the OM marriage is over, their separated, etc.

Please read these.

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

First, you have the right to divorce her.
Some choose to fight for the marriage, others say good riddance.
I fought for my marriage until day of divorce and then went into Plan B.

The fact is she has abandoned you and the girl for her affair partner. That is her choice. It is her value system.

Dr Harley encourages exposing affairs to children as young as 5. I have 3 children (like you, I am a single father) and i exposed to my youngest who was 5.

Dont lie to your daughter. This is an important life learning lesson.
I also encourage you to end all contact with your soon to be ex.
Why be friends with someone who stabs you in your back?