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Well, most of you know what happened in my marriage, and since the last posting things have been better - much better in the fact that my husband appears to have eradicated the massive angry outbursts.

However, now I know my emotional needs, my husband only fulfills them when he either remembers or feels like it.

During the week he does work very hard, and I acknowledge this to him, and often I am the one pushing him off to bed early so he gets enough sleep.

The problem is I work nights and he works days. He wakes me up with a cup of tea and chatters on to me endlessly about what he wants. Sometimes I am chatty as well, but am only half awake and seldom remember much of what we talked about later. I really do love this time with him but its not "my time" for when I need conversation.

I don't need massive amounts of anything, not anything. I asked for two things from him. That he give me a gentle caress in the evening before he goes to bed, or around the time preceding that, and that he talk to me just a little while we play a game together.

On weekends I get this - minimal, but I get it. Every day during the week it's like being in a morgue, and week after week I feel more and more disconnected to him - then on weekends I am all happy as he gives me that little bit and start to feel connected again and bonded.

If I tell him politely he doesn't listen and nothing ever changes. Well, last night I really cried about it because I can't comprehend why it's so hard for him to give so little. One night last week he even told me I am supposed to know he loves me. Well, I don't know.

Our disagreement last night lasted all of around 15-20 mins and ended with him telling me that "now you are sending me to bed like thus" and that I need to get on MB and read up on things, and that no one that comes to this forum can meet the full UA time.

I feel frustrated and negated by him because he knows I deeply value the time we have together before he goes to bed and I work. I know he is tired, but if he's capable of playing a word game he is capable of every now and then remembering I am there beside him. And am I asking too much to love one caress or touch? He never forgets to collect his hugs before bed. And I am there for him. But I wasn't tonight.

We can POJA things like major purchases, but if it comes down to an emotional need I am still told I open my mouth too much. I cannot understand why he's adult enough to want to talk to me about a purchase, but not caring enough to talk about what I so long for, and it's really so little.

So, tonight I feel very sad and realise I can't make someone see the obvious.

Any advice is very welcome as always smile

Ugh, I feel so utterly frustrated!!!

~Ana

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How many hours of UA are you getting?
What are you doing during that time?
Do you get out of the house on dates?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by AnaR
Well, most of you know what happened in my marriage, and since the last posting things have been better - much better in the fact that my husband appears to have eradicated the massive angry outbursts.

However, now I know my emotional needs, my husband only fulfills them when he either remembers or feels like it.

Ana, it is very impressive that your husband has so quickly mastered his anger! I commend him for this!

Dr. Harley says that a married couple needs to schedule the meeting of emotional needs, or else it will not happen and will get pushed aside. He recommends that couples sit down at 3:30 Sunday afternoon and look at their schedule for the coming week and block out 15 hours together. During this time they need to be alone (no children or friends), get away from electronic devices (blackberries, work or friend cellphones calls, etc.), well rested (don't do this after 11 P.M.), and give each other their undivided attention. They should plan a recreational activity that they are both enthusiastic about, and they should engage in conversation in a way that is enjoyable to them both.

The 15 hours should be used to meet the four intimate emotional needs that Dr. Harley recommends be met in every marriage: intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sexual fulfillment.

If this time is not scheduled, you will find that it will not be made a priority.

Here is Dr. Harley's explanation of all of this:
The Policy of Undivided Attention


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by AnaR
I know he is tired, but if he's capable of playing a word game he is capable of every now and then remembering I am there beside him.

Replace the word game with recreational activities you do together.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Be sure not to make statements like your husband needs to be "adult" or "doesn't care." Those are judgmental statements. He will be much more responsive to you if you strive to eliminate any comments of that kind.

Judgmental statements make love bank withdrawals. To heal your marriage, both of you need to make love bank deposits.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Have the two of you considered listening to Marriage Builders Radio together?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hi Prisca,

We would easily be getting the UA time, but it's not romantic or anything.

We talk a lot, joke a lot, but at present due to circumstances, no I am not getting out of the house - unless you count sitting outside the house enjoying the cool air.

It's my tiny emotional needs - way below what DR Harley says - they are not being met at all hence my husband builds a bond that is romantic with me, and tears it down equally as fast.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by AnaR
Well, most of you know what happened in my marriage, and since the last posting things have been better - much better in the fact that my husband appears to have eradicated the massive angry outbursts.

However, now I know my emotional needs, my husband only fulfills them when he either remembers or feels like it.

Ana, it is very impressive that your husband has so quickly mastered his anger! I commend him for this!

Dr. Harley says that a married couple needs to schedule the meeting of emotional needs, or else it will not happen and will get pushed aside. He recommends that couples sit down at 3:30 Sunday afternoon and look at their schedule for the coming week and block out 15 hours together. During this time they need to be alone (no children or friends), get away from electronic devices (blackberries, work or friend cellphones calls, etc.), well rested (don't do this after 11 P.M.), and give each other their undivided attention. They should plan a recreational activity that they are both enthusiastic about, and they should engage in conversation in a way that is enjoyable to them both.

The 15 hours should be used to meet the four intimate emotional needs that Dr. Harley recommends be met in every marriage: intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sexual fulfillment.

If this time is not scheduled, you will find that it will not be made a priority.

Here is Dr. Harley's explanation of all of this:
The Policy of Undivided Attention

Yes, Markos, the anger part so far has become far lessened and he looks much taller to me, although he can tend to be quite nasty with things he says in a quiet manner, but even he has admitted this has to stop.

My husband is the one who loves to talk - me not so much so other than when we are doing things together. I do listen, though.

Due to him working day and me night, it's difficult to get the time allotment in one sitting. I am either tired or he is. I put on a cheerful face no matter how tired or ill as I'm not a complainer by nature.

I do see the importance of the scheduling!!

Is it true what my husband said about no one finding time to give this allotted time? If so, I owe him an apology.

I'm not even asking for 15hrs. Neither my husband or I are very needy - in fact I seem to have grown into the more emotional one and he is quite cool and indifferent to shows of affection.

Over time he comes out with things, or has done, that we are 'past that stage' etc - and I fear he thinks he is ancient and past romantic love when he's far from it.

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Originally Posted by markos
Be sure not to make statements like your husband needs to be "adult" or "doesn't care." Those are judgmental statements. He will be much more responsive to you if you strive to eliminate any comments of that kind.

Judgmental statements make love bank withdrawals. To heal your marriage, both of you need to make love bank deposits.

Markos, I never used that on him - only here. It's usually me that is told to grow up. Now told to get on MB. Told if I just shut up everything will be fine. Well, I tried that and it didn't work, either.

I can make love bank deposits, but I'm running on zero.

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Ana I'm not married but my fiance and I easily get in 15 hours+ a week, 1-2 hours a day, and more on weekends. And he works 60 hours a week. It helps that my kids are older and sleep in, and we're early birds. So it's easy to get quality time in the mornings. Find a time that works with your schedule and it's a breeze!



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A change in work schedules should be considered if you can't get in the alloted UA time. Otherwise you're choosing your job over the marriage.


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Not everyone has the luxury of working days; ex specially in this economy. and to quit, lack of income compound's 10 more problems in marriage - ***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 07/24/13 06:49 PM. Reason: TOS: please help this poster using Marriage Builders concepts
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***EDIT***
LW .I was was trying to help as a support on this, cause i know it's not easy to to run a family and work odd hours and work through problem in a marriage,. ***EDIT***

Last edited by Ariel; 07/25/13 04:14 AM. Reason: Please advise using MB concepts or refrain from posting.
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It is required that we offer advice to posters using Dr Harley�s principles � well � because THEY WORK!

Dr Harley makes it very clear that couples find ways to get in a minimum of 15 hours of UA time. He has also quoted over and over again that if the jobs of either spouse gets in the way of that then trying to change that is VERY important. A happy M requires UA time. Period.

Again, one can choose to stick to their job because they�re afraid of change or don't want to lose seniority or no longer love their spouse enough to risk what they have or whatever ... but then one cannot argue when they are told they are putting their career (this job) over their marriage.

Dr Harley has some pretty radical ideas on how to make a M work. They seem radical because many are counterintuitive to what we see every day. People sacrificing themselves for a job or sacrificing their M for a job.

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Quote
However, now I know my emotional needs, my husband only fulfills them when he either remembers or feels like it.

Speaking of counterintuitive � these things � these filling of ENs aren�t engrained in all of us and many times we as partners need our spouse to help us out along the way. We�re going to spit and sputter and forget or get lazy or what have you.

It will help you a lot if you can continue to help him, guide him at being a master at meeting the needs you desire.

That isn�t engrained in many of us either. I know myself I have a very hard time asking for things for myself. I don�t always feel entitled, or I don�t feel like I want to nag (I have to remember that complaints are good/important in a good M).

But boy I�m quick to develop resentment when I�m not getting what I want � even though I�m not helping her out, clueing her in. I have certainly told myself to get off the pot, help guide her (constantly if necessary) in how I want my needs met or shut down my thought process of building resentment. I can�t have it both ways. Either I do my part or I accept that I know she won�t be meeting my needs.

Ana, does any of that resonate with you?


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I know what your saying Mr.A ,but explain how a loss of income ( @ security on her part because it is her career. maybe he should quit his job) going to help a marriage? and on top of that, now you have another variable to the mix. Now that seems Counter-intuitive.

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Originally Posted by MrAlias
It is required that we offer advice to posters using Dr Harley�s principles � well � because THEY WORK!

Dr Harley makes it very clear that couples find ways to get in a minimum of 15 hours of UA time. He has also quoted over and over again that if the jobs of either spouse gets in the way of that then trying to change that is VERY important. A happy M requires UA time. Period.

Again, one can choose to stick to their job because they�re afraid of change or don't want to lose seniority or no longer love their spouse enough to risk what they have or whatever ... but then one cannot argue when they are told they are putting their career (this job) over their marriage.

Dr Harley has some pretty radical ideas on how to make a M work. They seem radical because many are counterintuitive to what we see every day. People sacrificing themselves for a job or sacrificing their M for a job.
Nice post Mr.A.

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Originally Posted by yukoncharlie51
I know what your saying Mr.A ,but explain how a loss of income ( @ security on her part because it is her career. maybe he should quit his job) going to help a marriage? and on top of that, now you have another variable to the mix. Now that seems Counter-intuitive.

It can help because when a couple is in love and thriving with UA time, they will enthusiastically downsize to make ends meet.

We did this. I stopped working. We don't go on fancy vacations or go out to dinner as much - a $1 coffee and walk replaces that - but we don't care, because we are in love. Yep, my career is down the toilet! My husband does not get promoted because he refuses overtime!

The focus on MB is maintaining romantic love as a priority.

If he switches his job to nights or quits and they downsize, that's acceptable too. But not spending time together happily isn't going to work, so which will it be?

Last edited by alis; 07/25/13 12:47 PM.
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Thanks for the post Alis.

The point being you adapt. You work together to find a win/win where you put the marriage first and yet still have a lifestyle that suits each of you.

Now no one is saying they need to put themselves into a financial crisis but it is certainly being said there is a need to brainstorm how to live in a way that makes the marriage the priority instead of the current standard of living.

People change jobs all the time. To box oneself into a company or role because it seems it is the only solution is short sided.

I�m a realist � so I too am skeptical when I hear these things. But I am also adept enough to realize anything is possible. One just has to put forth some effort to make something happen.

Yukon, if you take issue with anything I�m saying then I strongly suggest you do yourself a favor and argue with the one who knows what it means and that would be to talk directly to Dr Harley. He�s seen it all, he�s implemented in people�s lives these concepts over and over again.

Do you listen to his free daily radio broadcast? If you don�t I encourage you to. They are very educational. Again his words are based on tried and true methods. Real life case histories.


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What I love about MB is that it makes complicated things very simple.

In other marriage problems, people might work overtime to pay for "counseling" and hash out the same old stories and problems to a "professional" for their advice, go back to the same old jobs and careers, and burn their relationship into a black hole leading to adultery or divorce. Communication, get on the same page, give each other space, all sorts of other wishy-washy crap that is a whole lot of thinking and not a whole lot of doing!

Is it such a big deal to herd all your kids into a single room? I do. They don't like it, but one room in one house is a lot nicer than a room each in two houses. Do I like having a $1 coffee instead of an $80 steak dinner like when we were dating? When was the last time I bought new clothes instead of a thrift store? I have no clue....

Who cares. I have 3-4 hours alone with my husband every night and we're going to dump the kids with grandpa on the weekend and take a kayak out. In my old career, I would've been at work that day. C'est �a, as we say here ('there ya go!")

Last edited by alis; 07/25/13 02:30 PM.
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