Have you offered to take a polygraph?

Well, you have demonstrated issues in maintaining proper boundaries around other women, or at least around one other woman. You can't change that, as far as the past is concerned. You've kinda ground your credibility into powder for the immediate future. All you can do are actions -- those which demonstrate concern for her & her feelings.

Keep in mind: she doesn't know how to handle all of this, either. She has no idea how to handle it, and wasn't expecting to have to. So it's up to you to cut her some slack -- even ginormous amounts of slack. This is where you can at least keep yourself in the game, by being more humble than you've ever been. Don't get sarcastic, don't get into a tit-for-tat, don't rehash ways in which you feel she might've wronged you in the past. And don't admit to bad things that you never actually did. Stick with the truth. The truth is hard, but no alternative is better here, and all of them are worse. If she has questions, you answer truthfully. Don't go overboard in going into more detail than she asks (for example, if she asks where & when, you don't necessarily need to go into the how, unless she asks for that, too) -- but be open to her follow-up questions. At this point, she might not even know what she needs to know from you -- other questions may occur to her later. Be ready for that. This is a lot for her to try to piece together. Offer the polygraph, as suggested.

And don't try to venture explanations for the affair. There are explanations, but there are no excuses; and to a betrayed spouse's ear, in the emotional cacaphony that she's going through, any explanation can sound too much like attempted excuse. So save any attempted explanations for much later. The only explanation that holds any water right now is "I got horribly selfish." Because at the root of it, this is what affairs are about -- selfishness.

All of this is no guarantee that she'll come around, but no such guarantees exist anyway. If she wants to rage at you & call you every name in the book, you sit there & take it. If she wants to pound on your chest, you sit there & take it. If she wants you to go out & drive around so that she can have space to be alone, then you get in the car & go. Remember, she could've sicked a lawyer on you aready. She could have had you out in the street. So you're still at the table & you're playing with house money.

Hi, first off I want to both apoligize to everyone for not getting on here more often, and also thank everyone herefor being so helpful. Even though I may not respond as often as I should. Believe me I have taken all of your advice, and followed it. The truth is I have taken alot of time off work, and have been spending alot of time home. We are getting ready to move, so thats still going on. Have put up with alot of anger, and screaming, and have taken it all. I think things are getting better (if even a little bit) but she seems sadder at times, more sad now than angry, at least thats what's being expressed as I know she feels both. I have a question, and hopefully I will be able to get soe good ideas. She keeps saying that she no longer feels special to me, and has a low self esteem because of what I did, even though she is a 10 in my book. Are there ways to show her that she is still special to me? I know this may not be an easy hurdle to get over, but I really want her to know that, know how I really feel about her. I wish I never did what I did.

To me as a BS (Husband), how serious you follow the MB principles and take serious the plan for recovery, will, in the future, let her know that she is a special person that you want in her life forever.

Ya see, my humble opinion after being betrayed by my wife after (13) years of marriage with a man who actually first introduced us IS..nothing you actually say does much of anything for the BS after such an event. I am not saying that you shouldn't express how you love your wife and how she makes you feel, that is most likely part of her "needs", BUT IT IS WHAT YOU DO, day in and out from THIS POINT ON that makes her again feel special and wanted.

I am not talking about buying her gifts and kissing up to her, I am talking about really trying to meet her needs and make her feel SAFE to get close to you again. Let her know you are willing to do whatever it takes to work on healing your marraige and that you still know she will be in pain from your foolish, selfish decision.

Give her time, give her space, but the worst thing you can do is want her to get over it and try to understand your affair.

It takes a lot to humble yourself to get through this, but the little things you do mean alot to a BS, even if you don't see that from her right now.

I would insist on taking a polygraph, even if she says she doesn't want it. Tell her that you want your word to begin to reclaim its integrity and that is the onlyway for sure she will know.

This is all for her, not you. Get tested for STD's. Yes its emabrassing for you, but she deserves to feel that you care about her enough to do that.

Account for your time even if she says you dont have to. And look yourself in the mirror and admit to yourself that you can't trust yourself around other women and on account of your devastated wife, portry yourself as a married man, never placing yourself in a position that you lead you down a road you have already shown yourself you can't handle.

Agree!

PS. continuing to post here, read, and listening to the radio program to learn ways to fix and strengthen your marriage is a very good ACTION!!

Read the articles, certainly. Listen to the daily broadcasts.

But also, read the stories of the WHs who preceded you. You have been advised by GO - what a superb counselor he has shown himself to be.

There is another WH who is about three weeks further along than you are, here. His BW has initiated Plan B on their relationship, and he has shown commitment so far to digging himself out of the hole into which he has dug himself.

In all things, your actions have weight, and your words, none. Work the program.

Thanks, I have another question. She wants to know why I did that, even has me seeing a therapist for the issue. Here is the problem, because the way she has treated me in the past honestly made me feel unloved. I believed her when she told me she hated me and I was a mistake, it wasn't just that tho, it was the overall everyday treatment I got from her, always angry, always I do this wrong, and that wrong. As we go through all this stuff it keeps comming back to needs, my needs, and her needs. Then I get accused of offering up excuses to her, so I try to explain I am not making excuses, maybe we should seperate the needs and old marriage issues as something seperate, that there is absolutly no excuse for what I did, other than I was being selfish, as well as the normal pattern of sin as well, in other words I saw, I coveted, and I took. Still she wants me to find a reason, be it my childhood, or secretly against her somehow. None of that is a reason though. Is there a reason I did this that I just don't get, something past the needs? Is there something psychological wrong with me? Because if so she doesn't believe I am safe. Maybe I am crazy?? Isn't the crazy guy always the last one to know he is in fact crazy?

Offer to take a polygraph. Invite her to inspect your entire life: schedule, passwords, phones, bank accounts. Tracking software on your PC and phone. Invite her to check up on you privately and invite her to keep her checking completely secret from you. Maintain the offer forever.

Here is the answer to "why an affair?":

Unmet emotional needs + no extraordinary precautions = affair
Unmet emotional needs + extraordinary precautions = no affair
Met emotional needs + extraordinary precautions = no affair
Met emotional needs + no extraordinary precautions = affair!

Your affair was not caused by your unmet needs - her needs were not met either.

Why an affair? "It was the biggest mistake of my life."

Thanks Markos, that stuff has all been done, but so far it doesn't sem to matter to her, she wants a reason, and a specific reason besides "needs" and marital issues that I did this. To be honest she thinks this marriage builders stuff is (as she puts it) crap, only thats not the word she uses.

Please email Dr. Harley and call him on his radio show instead. Most therapists do not know much about infidelity and recovery from infidelity. Dr. Harley has specialized in it for four decades.


Yes, it is called cranial-rectal disorder. An extraction should cure the disorder and render you safe. We help administer that procedure here.

I strongly suggest you call Dr. Harley himself with this question. It could change the course of the rest of your life.

Yes!

Yes there is!

Here is the reason:

If you do certain stuff around a woman, you will fall in love with her. You will then lose your mind and do anything for that woman including throwing your wife under the bus.

Marriage Builders solution: learn what things cause people to fall in love. Take extraordinary precautions to avoid ever doing those things with a woman besides your wife. Meanwhile, do those things with your wife, regularly.

That's it! That's the secret! Why did you have an affair? Because you have loose boundaries around women! It's all in what you do.

People fall in love all across this globe every single day. It's not a mystery. We know what causes it.

Here it is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Quit having female friends. That's basically it. Make your wife your friend. Do this stuff and have these conversations with her instead of other women.

Otherwise, she is right: you are not safe!

Thanks Markos, I may contact Dr. Harley, somehow I just don't think "cranial-rectal disorder" would be an acceptable answer to her at this time lol. The peoblem is she doesnt want me spending any money here at marriage builders, so I cannot without her permission so I am somewhat at a loss here.

Exactly, Oakie. This is exactly how Dr. Harley splits it out. Your unmet needs are marital problems to be solved. The affair was not caused by them and did not solve them. Instead, it made a much bigger marital problem to be solved, and now that problem needs to be solved before you can even get around to solving the original marital problems.

There are "reasons" for an affair, but there are no EXCUSES. If your answer to "why" is anything other than "It was a selfish mistake and the biggest mistake of my life," then whatever you are saying will parse as an "excuse."

...she doesn't want me spending any money...

E-mail your question to Dr Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

That costs nothing.

Thanks again Markos, weird some of these posts from you showed up later, but wanted to thank you. Yes I have talked about these bounderies issues with her, and continually bring it up both as a solution, and a reason. I know within myself I have to change this, she doesn't believe it though, nor does she thinks its a reason either. In any case that brick wall has gone up between me and all other women, just wish I knew what to say to her to make her feel better.

You are right; it wouldn't.

But it's still the right answer! Just don't say it that way.

Understand that your affair was caused by your loose boundaries around women. You had fun with women. Don't have fun with women any more. (Very very rough introduction.) Have fun with your wife instead.


The radio show is free, and it is fantastic!