Please read.
BSs....Plan C is not a Plan!!

"So why Plan B? I can't tell if he is serious until I TALK to him. And every time I talk to him, I get told off here and made out like I am an idiot. I am not an idiot. And I am kind of mad at some of you."

OK, Mrs. Atlanta, stop it! You know full well that every poster here is looking out for YOU and your well-being. Your situation is not unique, my friend. And, that is why you are getting the feedback so consistently.

We see a train coming with you sitting in the road, but you won't move out of the way.

Take a deep breath and let your guard down. Know that each and every time you talk to WH at this point you set back your chance of recovery 100 steps. It's so counter-intuitive, and that's a fact. You are not stupid. You are a wife trying to save your marriage. Don't fly blind, OK?

And, of course you love him.....

we ALL love our wayward spouses.

Each and every one of us. (even those betrayed who have taken massive hits to their Love Banks)

Plan B is powerful but not for the weak hearted.

It takes resolve and focus of the rarely experienced kind.

Amen.

sorry I got frustrated. I had been having horrible problems with panic attacks and lashing out. All heard from him is that he is losing me because *I* create so much drama with the panic attacks he says I am CHOOSING to have and that *I* ruined the marriage and it can't be fixed because Atlanta is so messed up in the head.

I am just angry and freaked out. He completely caught up making the problem about me, the panic attacks and that "you refuse to control yourself."

I am really MAD about that. No. I am gutted. Devastated. I hurt so much that he is making this all about my reaction to what he did rather than WHAT HE DID.


I have not had any contact with him since the mediation. He is resisting, and putting up a fight on about 500 things he wants negotiated differently. Lawyer says this man does not want to divorce.

What is there for me to say and do right now? It looks to me like NOTHING. That is why I said what is the use of plan B to effect my husband. All his energy is put into making me pay for getting upset, having panic attacks and smacking his stupid women friends and embarressing him.

as you see, I am still not in a calm state.

Which is exactly why you need to be in Plan B.
He can't make you "pay" when he can't reach you.

x1000

A really good Plan B will prevent you from hearing him. Will prevent him from getting to you.

Atlanta,

As the poster child of what not to do.....please listen. I did plan A for a year. I went to plan B kicking and screaming. I was a mess after that year. Emotional abuse, blameshifting, you name it, I went through it. I had my fair share of 2 x 4's, headbanging.....why? Because I was such an emotional wreck that even I did not know what I needed. Everyone else saw I NEEDED plan b, but me. You know what Atlanta? Everyone was right.

Plan B is about you, Atlanta, just you. It is not about the wayward or to teach him something, afterall, that is not your job. Your job is to heal from this trauma. Since your wayward is in your face telling you his affair is your fault, how can you heal? You cannot and you will always second guess everything because of the continued gaslighting.

Step into plan B, the panic attacks and AO should cease.

Plan B is not supposed to affect your husband.

Plan B is supposed to affect YOU. It will help you quit having panic attacks.

Yes. Plan B is to take you out of the drama and to protect you from the constant onslaught of panic.

It allows you to see that, yes, you can live without the wayward in your life.

You might love them deeply and not want to live without them but you can do it......and....even thrive.

I don't feel I have any choice but to give up on him. He has been so relentless in blame shifting, rewriting his history of his affair. I realized the reason he has been getting so angry at me if I try to talk about it, is because he took the whole mess of it and created and tweaked everything... like someone makes an unattractive person beautiful on photoshop.. you see the videos of it on youtube and now he has this gorgeous picture of it all that makes him justified and not to blame and ME the guilty one, the one nothing ever happened to that I would be so upset.

I have the original picture, I hold it up and he inflicts so much hell and gaslighting on me I have an outburst. I showed my mother a chat log on msn from a few months ago where I had triggered off in to a panic attack and I was desperately trying to control it and was asking him to stop doing something. My mother, who up till now has been simply trying to support me, said why that SOB, he is mocking you and goading you while you are having the panic attack and he know you are having one!

Not to vent, but after that event, he was all over me, calling me "sick" for getting so upset, and asking me "do you want me to stay with you, then stop choosing all of this drama. Your behavior is worse than an animal."

Then he said, "I don't even want to look at you, so leave and stay out of my sight."

Well I didn't and he walked out and was gone for 2 weeks.

Events like this are in my head.

I don't believe we can ever reconcile because I am too much his scapegoat. And I don't want that to be my life anymore.

Plan A, he wins.
Plan B, he wins because I am out of his sight and he doesn't have to look at me.

Not once in all of this time has he gone and looked to see what panic attacks are, why they happen, how you can't make them stop once they start. He doesn't look at PSTD or panic disorder.

I am tired of him. I don't want him in my sight ever again.

When is the last time you talked to him?

during mediation.

I've stopped pushing down the bad memories in order to try and reconcile. I am thinking an awful lot about things I wasn't thinking about before.

Mediation can be tough.

If one of you (you) didn't want the mess of the affair and respected the marriage vows.....wow....it is hurtful to pretend to be cooperative about the end of the marriage.

That is smacking you down right now.

I'm sorry, Atlanta. He's a real piece of work, SOB doesn't begin to cover it.

Even though you are in plan B again (I hope that it is as black as night), I think your poor tortured brain needs a break. Can you go away for a week's holiday?

It might prevent you being triggered all the time and give you some much needed emotional distance.

I took 2 days off from work this past week, Thursday and Friday.
Thank you Mirabelle, probably I could do with a real vacation that actually takes me out of town for a week. Good idea.

I was thinking of moving. Except the house I live in belonged to my grandparents, and my great Aunt before that. He is demanding 50% of the value, though I owned it before we got married. Good luck to him.

Could you rent out the house to a qualified renter with good credit and move?

Then, you could keep it and be away from the angst.

Atlanta, I just read through your whole post. Just like a couple of others here, your story is my story. Just add alcohol and him being drunk constantly.

I love my exWH. I really do....BUT...I have also found out that we had a very co-dependent relationship. I enabled his alcohol abuse as well as enabled his abusive (mental, physical, emotional & verbal) abuse of me. He is/was a Freeloader. His relationships will never be successful. As another person posted on your topic, I can SO relate:

"This is exactly my xWH. He is a complete "charmer" but it is when he is trying to rope people in. Dr Harley even said that he had a "skill set" in terms of being able to get women's attention and make them fall in love with him and that it would be hard to get him to give it up.

You have to completely ignore that he was "pretty special" in the beginning -- most serial cheaters are this way.

Focus on the fact that he was never even close to being a buyer and almost your entire marriage you have suffered from his thoughtlessness and infidelity. Meeting your ENs, avoiding things that hurt you and taking your feelings into consideration when making decisions has never been on his radar (freeloader)..

And Dr Harley says a marriage to a freeloader is a disaster -- he says there is typically infidelity early on and neglect in the marriage and if he is unwilling to convert to a buyer then you would be better off divorcing."

I was the one to file for the divorce HE wanted so that I would have the 'power' during the proceedings as well as to 'try' to wake him up. I then proceeded to fight the divorce for a year. He still hasn't changed. We also 'lived' together the whole time as we were both advised to not leave the house if we wanted to fight over it. I won that battle. It was MY house before the marriage.

Anyway, I had a REALLY hard time dealing with it all. I got suicidal at one point. I went onto 2 AD's and what a difference! I also went into Plan B because I KNEW that was the only way that I could heal. My divorce was final May 17th. 2 months later and I am healing well. Plan B, constant prayer AND listening to God and my instincts and doing things for ME. My LB is still very full and it IS a constant battle every minute. You are in a co-dependent relationship with someone that will never change. And unless or until you change that within you, you will continue to have that type of relationship. It's killer on a person to be in that type of relationship.

I just wanted you to know that your story hits very close to home for me and that I AM a success story. It's NOT an easy battle, but it CAN be won. The head and the heart don't often see eye-to-eye. This is the instance where you need to trust your head (and gut instincts) and tell your heart to shut down for a while. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Edited to add: We were also court-ordered for Meditation. We were in separate rooms at opposite ends of the hall. Dark Plan B CAN happen when you force the issue.

NO....Plan B YOU win. Because you will NEVER have to put up with that crap abuse EVER again. Change your mindset.