Yup. Exactly. Guess what Atlanta? You are the keeper. He will loose you.
With time, in a dark Plan B, your rose colored glasses will slip while thinking about him and you will heal.

Therefore, in the end you win.

I don't think he cares if he loses me. When he tells me to get out of his sight, he doesn't want to look at me?

I feel like I am a child no one wants.

You need to get to a place of healing where you stop caring if he cares.

You can get to that place. You need to find a way to heal from the betrayal.

Betrayal is cruel and painful and makes someone doubt their worth.

That is a given. You are human. What you are feeling is normal for what you are going through. Imagine not feeling this way right now........you would wonder why you didn't care, right?

Atlanta, my heart breaks for you. I have been where you are. Still feel sometimes what you are feeling. Finally, thank the good Lord, I have way more good days than bad. Please, think about getting on some anti-depressants if you aren't on them already. I'm not one to push drugs, but Lexapro and Buspar REALLY helped with the demons that threatened to tear me apart. It's a battle with what your mind KNOWS YOU DESERVE and what your heart WANTS. When those demons come calling, let them have a BRIEF moment and then push them away! When the 'good' memories come, FORCE the bad ones in instead. We have a tendency to only remember the 'good' which is what tears us apart inside. When the tears come, let them come. The roller coaster really sucks, but you can do it!!! You KNOW you deserve BETTER than being abused mind, body and soul. Just like my ex, this guy will never change. His life is going to be one miserable mess for the rest of his life. PLEASE don't let him drag you down too. Someone, somewhere is looking for the wonderful person that you are....wanting to give you the BEST life has to offer. But, you have to heal and love yourself before you can let love in and love others. *hugs*

thank you to those who are stopping by for supporting me.

I am taking a very low dose of zoloft for the anxiety. I have been focusing on cognative therapies like mindfulness. I had a severe panic attack last Wednesday. For those who are here who have had them, they are so painful to deal with. There are always milder ones like after shocks for days afterward.

I am struggling with a lot of anger. A good portion of it is anger at ME.

That anger is irrational. Remind yourself of this.

Hindsight is always, ALWAYS 20/20.

"How could I xx/yy? I'm so stupid!"

Because in the moment you xx/yy you didn't know what you know when you beat yourself up for it.


Are you making sure to take your medication properly? The same time every day?

It's not you - it's the circumstances you find yourself in. You are not a weak person. It takes strength to seek help like you are doing. I went through a time much like what you now find yourself in. It will get better.

It will, Atlanta. It really will. Just give yourself time to heal, and don't beat up on yourself too much.

I did have panic/anxiety attacks for about a week while I was preparing to go into Plan B and WxH and his mother were both gaslighting me. It was very scary, and I can't imagine grappling with them for an extended period of time the way that you have been.

I truly hope you are able to finally get some relief with a real Plan B.

I can tell you that despite having gone through a very nasty divorce and a host of other stressful/unpleasant incidents over the past two years related to my ex, I haven't had any other anxiety attacks other than I described above. I am not on AD's and can honestly say I am in a pretty peaceful place. If there is an incident to this day regarding WxH, I get upset, vent about it, but 95% of the time, I am over it w/n a very short time.

It's all about Plan B, and if you can't do it 100% because of court related issues, just get as close as you possibly can.

I had to see WxH in court/mediation/lawyers' offices several times as well -- I don't think I talked or looked at him ONCE. I don't know how else to describe it but that I just act as if he is invisible and doesn't exist. Don't make eye contact, don't react one bit if he speaks.

Can you take someone with you to buffer you from him at the mediation? I took one of my sisters or my friend with me to each court date and it was extremely helpful.

Have you blocked him so that he cannot call/email or text you anymore?

Also....are you on FB?

He could, if he wanted, get around any block I could put up for email. He has not emailed or tried to call me, etc.

What he is doing is pushing the asset side of the divorce to trial.

I do have a facebook account. I have an extended family, it's important to me to know so many people are there.

He took his facebook page down a while back. He had drug some teenage girl over there that we both know from an MMORG we play. I liked her ok from a distance, but when he told me he added, I lost it, massive panic attack. He had promised me he would not be doing that kind of thing. It was a condition of me not leaving the marriage that he not do it. Well, he figured since she is only 18, and I knew it and he thought liked her, it was ok. I said NO. It's not ok, because we made a deal. He said in his mind, she is a child, and not a woman who would be a threat to me, so he DIDN'T break the agreement.

He said go talk to her, because he refused to remove her, and i would feel ok. I went and talked to her. I told her to get lost and that my husband and I were having a hard time because he had repeatedly cheated on me and gotton someone else pregnant.

He was so humiliated that he deleted his facebook account and hated on me for week after that.

I told him you care more about what a teenager in a video game thinks of you than keeping your word and our marriage intact?

He does.

Call me cruel, apparantly the girl was so shocked and upset, they took any contact underground.

Try to get away from such crazy-making triggers, Atlanta. Take a break. Moving is not a bad idea at all. What about near your mum?