Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2746237 07/29/13 09:10 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
James 4:17 "If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesnt do it, sin" or something like that it's been awhile.

Everything on the outside is great, great wife, great sex life, good kids, job is sweeeeeeet, but like usually I'm a mess inside.

I have deep seeded issues with life in general the finality of death, the afterlife debate, and the list goes on. This relates to my marriage because a few times year I do some really selfish things that I feel guilty for, but always end up doing them again. I know all the answers unfortunately I routinely choose to not impliment them and choose worldly selfish desires instead.

There is a huge back story about being involved in a cultic legalistic church and studying over 10 religions, but that's not for here.

How do you stop having preplanned ONS 2-3 times a year once you start? Besides the obvious "You just stop!" Like anything I know you have to want to stop........I guess I'm at the point I want too and that's why I'm posting here.

Any Men what made you stop besides getting caught! It would take act of God (irony) for me to caught. We are talking 36-48 hours of selfish behavior per year.

**Confession is not a option**

Last edited by TwoSided; 07/29/13 09:35 PM.
TwoSided #2746242 07/29/13 09:22 PM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Twosided,

Start by confessing to the person most injured by your horrible adultery, your betray wife, confess everything, apologize for exposing her to STDs and risking her life.

Then confess what you have done to your children.

Then confess to the husbands of these women you are cheating with, these are your other victims, they are not faceless non-persons.

If you can do those three things you will stop your cheating for good.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma #2746243 07/29/13 09:34 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Not a big fan of that advice! I'm a realist and like most things in life learning of really hurtful information of any kind is rarely good, benfeficial, or even fruitful!

May it be addiction, daily porn, lieing, cheating, gambling, alcoholism, rape, pedofilia, etc etc. Think of any politician, marriage, religious figure, relative where YOU THOUGHT of them in a better light after their indiscretions were made known to all? Can't think of any can you? Or maybe you can IDK, but then where in life does it stop? This confessing? Is it when you lust, lie, white lie, fudge taxes, are selfish with your time, look at some porn, drink too much, etc? Why only confess some things and not others is there a magic line of severity that once crossed deems confession?

The best action from a realist point of view is stop the behavior and move on! I'm going to edit my post to add confession is not a option either.

These aren't married woman these are college aged woman. Like I said pre planned ONS 2-3 times a year. It's a subculture that is thriving and gaining in popularity. It's the fascination with youth that is hard to give up.

Last edited by TwoSided; 07/29/13 09:37 PM.
TwoSided #2746248 07/29/13 09:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Your wife has a right to know that you are having multiple affairs.
That is the first thing you must do: expose your behavior to her, your children, family and close friends.

That is a "realistic" answer sir. All of the advice offered by Dr Harley is "realistic".
What is unrealistic is your belief that you will never be caught.

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
I got scripture, too:

"For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." John 3:20-21

"Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them." Ephesians 5:11

Confession is your only option.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

TwoSided #2746256 07/29/13 10:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: TwoSided
**Confession is not a option**


Then fixing this problem isn't an option. You will not get any better without accountability.

Next!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
TwoSided #2746257 07/29/13 10:05 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: TwoSided
Any Men what made you stop besides getting caught! It would take act of God (irony) for me to caught.


I will pray for you to get caught, then.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2746261 07/29/13 10:20 PM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: TwoSided
Any Men what made you stop besides getting caught! It would take act of God (irony) for me to caught.


I will pray for you to get caught, then.


Yes. Hopefully you will get caught and your wife will find out and then the poor woman can deal with the nightmare in her life......a husband who is lying to her. Keeping secrets from her. Hurting her behind her back. She KNOWS it is happening in her deepest soul but has no clue what the heck it IS that is not quite right between you two.







TwoSided #2746263 07/29/13 10:26 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2746272 07/30/13 12:03 AM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Thanks Brainhurts, I did read the ling, little is applicable it seems most stories of infidelity are very different from mine alike in definition only. My choices are calculated the equivalent of a gambler saving .25 a day for 3-4 months only to go gamble it away in a night while supposedly out for a game.

There is no inate right in this life we are but a culmination of our percieved realities and experiences nothing more. The kids who grew up in FLDS cults Amish, Jonestown, Taliban, etc had realities so are out of kilter to what most think is normal, yet they could see it no other way. Many still talk about those times as some of the best of their life. If never exposed to the world most live in they wouldn't have realized something was terribly their utopia's may have continued. Hence the pain, doubt, wonder, and suicideds resulting since. There is no basis for exposure helping anything or anyone except the WS's own guilty conscious. I stand by my belief that a truly repentent person if they truly do repent and moves on is all that must be done. Exposure is only useful for stopping a affair......it only brings pain as do most other hurtful revelations, that is a fact. I see the advice here is very basic as if a book makes it law. The book is just a tool.

If I said help me build a fence and everyone said go get a hammer, but my stipulation was NO HAMMER what good is it to still advise a hammer?

Hopefully prayer, christian music, and a contrite heart will help me get in the place I desire to be.

Best of luck to all!

TwoSided #2746274 07/30/13 12:55 AM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 46
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 46
You are so lost and I feel really sad for you. You aren't going to stop. It's not possible until you expose your addiction to the light of truth. Your justifications are so thin they are see through.

If you dont choose truth you will become a shell of a person. Maybe you already are. A pitiful creature- think gollum. You don't think that living with a morally-depraved person will effect your family? Your wife will suffer far longer living with such a creature than she ever would with exposure.

You are already living in the darkness. Shrinking from the light. You will destroy yourself and your family on this path.

Mae_1 #2746275 07/30/13 01:18 AM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447
It's sad you believe a few ONS are OK and that you can just stop. Your attitude indicates you are a serial cheater, you are addicted to the ONS. Reading your posts, I doubt you could just stop without taking the necessary steps to protect your marriage and maintain appropriate boundaries.

Yes exposure is a useful tool in killing an A but it is also to help hold the WS accountable and affair proof a M.

Your selfish behaviour will cause pain and devastation for your wife and family.

Your wife has the right to know what is happening in her marriage. Have you considered that your behaviour is exposing her to STDs? She has a right to know about your ONS so she can be tested.

I suggest you read the articles on this website and well as some of the other threads on this forum, so you can not only learn about A but gain an insight into the consequences and devastation A cause.


Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14

"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
Two sided, Dr. Harley has had experience with your type of cheating. We may not be able to convince you, of what must be done, but maybe he can offer you alternative solutions. Of course everyone is right about exposure. You need to at least out yourself to your closest friend and someone who can hold you accountable (see why logically this should be your wife). Then you should put extraordinary precautions in place to stop yourself from doing what you are now.

Don't trust the forum? Why not write to Dr. Harley on the radio show or sign up for a session of counselling on the phone?

You know what must be done.... Hidden sin only repeats itself, and eventually it WILL come to the light. You'll slip up sometime. By exposing yourself, at least you will gain some respect for being honest about something.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
BetrayedP #2746277 07/30/13 02:33 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Twosided,

Why are you looking various religions? Searching and searching and searching for meaning in life and as you put it have "deep sited issues"? You are a "mess inside" because you choose to behave in a destructive way especially towards your marriage. People who act in a decent manner don't have the issues you have.

We can't help you with finding the meaning of life or make sense of how other complex cultures or religions operate but we can help you achieve a great marriage and family life, live in a wholesome satisfying moral existence based on principals and advice developed by a leading psychologist in his field with decades of experience.

We can help you act in a way that stops you pressing a self destruct button 2-3 times a year.

The only thing I agree with from your posts is that you are right you can't just stop, the way to stop is to come clean about what you have been doing to your wife.

Let us know when you are ready to do that.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

NB28 #2746284 07/30/13 03:59 AM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
Good replies!!
@Mae_1, Shell of a creature is a pretty hurtful thing to say and assumes alot and the cross I carry is my own alone, at least currently it is. Exposure would obviously change that for the worse imo. My daily routine is and life is very textbook. Make coffee, wake the wife up, wake up the kids, make breakfast, give tons of hugs be silly, and we go to work. Txt, flirt, joke, talk about our day, date nights, family trips. We are considered the lucky ones 19 years and counting. The things you describe sound great in the principle based theoretical world of how you may wish it to be, but the REALITY is everything is pretty awesome. I can almost guarantee you would be envious if you were a neighbor or family member. Since you know my secret you would never admit such a thing and of course my secret being revealed would change that.

@Betrayed_P, I think many want to believe it will come to light, but how? Aside from forum life so many affairs and various other transgression go unnoticed taken to the grave. Why would I believe my case would be any different? I do not believe in having confidants, people you tell your deepest darkest secrets too, I've done that in the past in a spiritual enviroment more than most can imagine. Things can always be hidden if there is a will there is way, the desire to stop must come from within not through external checks and balances. While good aids someone like me could easily bypass any question a person who I confided in may ask.....proving again it must come from within to be genuine. The burden is on me it's my guilt, stress, and conscience everyone else in the family is on cloud 9. Of course the STD piece always comes up regardless if I'm tested someone will talk about latency periods and some undetectable case that they heard about. I use non oxynol 9 and a condom the odds of a STD even if they had one is practically nil. I do understand that argument and it is a source of guilt.


@NB28, it wasn't the cheating that started first it was the paradox that started to brew regading faith and afterlife. If there is no life after death, if religion is a man's invention in the hope to understand what he cannot, a end! If we truly are evolved beings, and there is no magic moral reward, life starts to become cloudy. Over 2200 Christian religions, christianity today was non existant 100 years ago, 500 years ago there was only Catholicism speaking of christian religions alone, then factor in Islam, Hindu, Taoism, Judaism, Budhism, Mythology, then all of the smaller religions. It opens more questions than it answers. Add in the chaotic world we live in, death, genocide, racism, hate, murder, rape, abortion over 20 million a year in India, child trafficking and you wonder? Is this a existance with a omnipotent God? It surely seems more like evolution of a species. Lastly, antiquated beliefs on homosexuality which is clearly genetic or phobias and addictions......etc etc the lists go on. Yet so many evangelicals believe they can just say "Oh, my Jesus loves me Oh my Jesus" yet live a life of laziness, debauchery, idolatry, a multitude of commissionary and ommissionary sins and the blood always cleanses! Really? How is that possible?

Back to me and my problem I can stop I was a moral compass for 15 years the crack in my armor is lack of faith in a God. My selfish decision stems solely from that!

I go through life wondering how people don't ask these questions? They seem content just going to church 1 time a month, smoking, drinking, hanging out and think all is well. I on the other hand think about all things almost all the time. My wife says I'm different that very few people analyze things to the depths I do...........I guess you can add to that list hide things to the depths that I do too.

Again thanks for the tips!

Last edited by TwoSided; 07/30/13 04:09 AM.
TwoSided #2746285 07/30/13 04:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
Two-sided, the Bible answers most of your questions. If people would only read it... but then again, you need not only to read it, but for it to be revealed to you.

Before Christ and for those who haven't heard the good news of the gospel, there is the conscience. It is your conscience that is eating you, and that is what has brought you here. You will be judged by your conscience. The thing about that is you can train yourself to be numb to it. "Sear it" if you will. So sure, there is a possibility that you can die and take your secret to the grave, but YOU will always know.

You don't believe in having a confidante, but here you are selfishly getting your fix by airing your dirty laundry anonymously. You really needed to get it off your chest, to tell somebody. Well, I bet that brings temporary relief, but then you will go back to feeling bad about the real type of person you are ... certainly not the type of person people would envy if they knew the whole truth about you.

New flash, you wouldn't be the first or last human to fall from grace. No one would really think you special for having sinned.

You are trying to save your life, but you are really losing it.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
BetrayedP #2746286 07/30/13 04:36 AM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 549
On external checks and balances, yeah, you need the will to follow them, but they do make a transgression that much harder to commit. Why? because it involves a lot more thought and planning to bypass the barrier. That gives you a lot more time to stop yourself.

eg. You put a keylogger on your pc and other electronic devices and have a gps on you at all times which your wife monitors.

In order to secretly bypass these you will have to invest a lot more time into setting up and attending secret rendezvous. It makes it a lot more likely that you will get caught and the threat of losing everything becomes a real deterrent.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
BetrayedP #2746292 07/30/13 05:54 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Okay all this "my cross to bear" and religious pandering is ridiculous. Confession isn't an option? C'mon now. You simply don't want your continual, ongoing secret revealed that you actively seek out.

What's the answer? Just simply stop having second with other women or divorce your wife.

You mention politicians and others and how options change about them after we learn something out about them. So what. Don't engage in activities that can get you caught if you're worried aabout how others think of you.

I don't know really what we can offer you unless you want to be honest, quit waxing poetic.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

TwoSided #2746295 07/30/13 06:04 AM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: TwoSided
Thanks Brainhurts, I did read the ling, little is applicable it seems most stories of infidelity are very different from mine alike in definition only. My choices are calculated the equivalent of a gambler saving .25 a day for 3-4 months only to go gamble it away in a night while supposedly out for a game.

There is no inate right in this life we are but a culmination of our percieved realities and experiences nothing more. The kids who grew up in FLDS cults Amish, Jonestown, Taliban, etc had realities so are out of kilter to what most think is normal, yet they could see it no other way. Many still talk about those times as some of the best of their life. If never exposed to the world most live in they wouldn't have realized something was terribly their utopia's may have continued. Hence the pain, doubt, wonder, and suicideds resulting since. There is no basis for exposure helping anything or anyone except the WS's own guilty conscious. I stand by my belief that a truly repentent person if they truly do repent and moves on is all that must be done. Exposure is only useful for stopping a affair......it only brings pain as do most other hurtful revelations, that is a fact. I see the advice here is very basic as if a book makes it law. The book is just a tool.

If I said help me build a fence and everyone said go get a hammer, but my stipulation was NO HAMMER what good is it to still advise a hammer?

Hopefully prayer, christian music, aInd a contrite heart will help me get in the place I desire to be.

Best of luck to all!


No. You are wrong. We are not a culmination of "perceived realities"
There is reality. A is A.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
My uncle lived a similar life to you.
He had a little black book with names, numbers and sex acts.
Separate bank accounts for a 30 yr marriage. Lied about how much money he made (spent most of it on escorts).
Well he was found out.
Bill Clinton was found out.
The latest General to resign was found out.
You will eventually be found out.

We aren't building a fence without hammers here. This board is here to give Marriage Builders advice.
You have made it clear that you refuse to expose yourself so I will not waste my time posting to you when there are other posters working to save their marriages.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (anchorwatch), 37 guests, and 42 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,567
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5