I STRONGLY suggest this for you.
Markos and I did the online course. We were given a coach to help guide us, and we had direct access to Dr. Harley on the private forum. It was the best investment we have ever made for our marriage.

MB requires teamwork! However, much of his timeline to R is predicated on your involvement and doing your part of the MB program.

Your actions are in direct correlation with his 'timeline' to R. Realistically, 2-5 years.


Expect 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back...2 steps back then 4 steps forward...on and on.


It is a process.

What do you do when one of you is not enthusiastic about something? We don't do it, or we find a way that is agreeable to joth of us.

Do you both enjoy these activities? Yes! things I NEVER thought BS would like to do with me OR be interested in he does - farmers markets and antique markets for example.

How is POJA and PORH going? POJA is going well, we are finding it coming easier and easier - things we never would have thought to ask the other, we do now, "would you like to go to my sisters on the weekend?" Instead of "we were invited and we're going"

You both also tend to have Independant Behavior, especially when you are upset, instead of following POJA. Is that improving? That part IS going well, I believe the LB's influence us to display the independant behaviour, it is something that we both recognize and are working on.

You need to start scheduling your time together and tracking your time together to insure you are getting the time in. We are not keeping track of our time, I will suggest we get a little book to start this though.

We can explain what JC is, but that doesn't tell you exactly what he means. This is where POJA and the PORH come in. You and he need to have a *safe* discussion about this. No fighting, no disrespect, just what do we need to do, and how well are we doing at getting there.

BS said today that its "my job to figure it out, he's done with it now" I did ask what else I could do, what else does he need and he won't answer.

Keep doing what you're doing. Make UA a priority (20 hours!), eliminate your lovebusters, and keep up with the POJA an PORH.

Have you read this?
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget
Steps to Recover from an Affair

Have you asked your BH what he needs from you?
What you can do for him?

I haven't read them, but will do so.
I have asked BS but he says we aren't supposed to talk about it, so there is Nothing I can do, he says he just has to "deal with it".

Don't press him. What you CAN do is concentrate on following the program: UA, elimination of Lovebusters, POJA and PORH.

Exactly.

What Love Busters are you guilty of? What are you doing to eliminate them?

I've been guilty of all 6 of them at some point. Right now, I think the one I'm most guilty of is Angry Outbursts - how I'm trying to eleminate them, is to follow Dr. Harley's advice and create a short-circuit habit (right now it's just stopping whatever I'm doing and walking away)

Have you listened to the clips in here?
Anger Management 101

Do you have the book Love Busters?

We have the book, and are reading it together.

Whenever a couple is not feeling "in love", or if R is bumping along harder than it needs to, it's almost always a shortage of UA time. Even now, if AJ and I begin to feel less connected to each other, it's a fast indicator that we're not getting our UA time in. And as soon as the UA time increases, (an action), the good feelings follow.

You don't need to leave home for 20+ hours a week, or go on that many dates. The point is that you're paying attention to each other, and some of the best UA time occurs in private, anyway.

While continuing all the good things you're already doing, spend your UA making positive memories and associations with each other. That should make an improvement in your R. It's hard enough without making it even harder.

Good. Have you read the chapter on AOs?

That's the one we start next!

Fantastic.

Have you listened to Dr. Harley's clips on anger management 101 thread I posted to you?

Listen to them together.

Prisca suggested UA time as well and to keep track of it, if we don't have to leave the house, we are getting a bit more time then, after supper we get our coffee and sit out on the balcony together talking and just being together (for example)

I'm listening to them now, I will share with BS when he comes home.

Also make sure you're focusing on his top 3 needs. You should be meeting his top 3 all the time, and the top 5 most of the time. Do you know what his top 3 are? Chances are good that Admiration, SF, and RC are some of the important ones. Whatever they are, make a habit of checking off his top 3 every single day. Something like Admiration you can meet several times a day.