What happened to the 20 hours that your wife proposed a week or so ago?

I have none to report going either way. I admit that I find myself getting irritated easily by little stuff but keep myself in check.

Well, we both forgot about the swim lessons this week. We had to call the babysitter and cancel. I actually took that as a good sign since we weren't even thinking of the kids.

My notes are:

1. Is this something that FC is enjoying?
2. Is this something that looks like UA time?

That's all I have been concentrating on. If it's something she likes, I'll do it.

My personal experience in this would partially agree and also disagree.


Although there is much truth in what you say, I also believe that the 'fantasy' isn't just getting EN's met and lack of LB's.


I believe that people in an A want to believe certain things. They see the AP in an unreal perspective. They make them up to who they WANT them to be vs. who they truly are like a love story tale. Now in the moment, they certainly think this is their soul mate. True.


However, I wonder what percentage of WS's see the AP in a TOTALLY different perspective once NC has been enforced, the fog has cleared and the rose colored glasses are taken off hence totally draining any Romantic Threshold Balance that might have been there at the end of the A.


What percentage of WS's after some time has passed, really sees the AP for the truly disgusting person they are. I mean, what kind of a person has an A with a married person?

I can't imagine that being a real attractive trait to a WS once time passes and that the AP could become totally despicable in their minds-eye.

I think a lot of it depends on how the A ends. Being "forced" to end it versus it dying a natural death.

How do you view past lovers that you parted with willingly (broke up with) versus someone who simply moved away because of a job or something like that?

They see someone who has built a love bank balance above the romantic love threshold, and the giver is behind the wheel. The old dirty sock of a spouse, who suddenly doesn't have a love bank balance above the romantic love threshold is a hindrance now.



A guess based on norms would say; a lot of men would see their former AP as a mistake, a lot of women would see their former AP as something that happened because their husband didn't make them happy.

Many of both would have fond memories.



Likely, very few.



Well, I wouldn't bank on it. Especially, as FTF has noted, if the affair ends "the right way." A natural death would allow demolition of the love bank balance, that an interruption and forced NC does not.

I wouldn't say suddenly.

I just had to post another reply because I keep seeing next to my threads in the "replies" column "666". Just doesn't give me a good feeling.

So the good news is that with the swimming lessons this week, we have been going to the pool as a family almost every day after work. FC is second on my W's EN list, so I can only think that it helps. I've also been as pleasent as I can be. This morning, she told me she had a dream about me last night that I was running for office. lol. At least I'm in her dreams.

Hopefully it wasn't as "Carlos Danger"

I got really freaked out yesterday.

I came home and was on my computer and noticed that someone had accessed a msn.com email account. We don't have any of those! So I logged into the account and the first message I saw was "I can't wait to be in your arms."

It was like D-Day all over again. Heart racing, adrenaline pumping, scared to death feeling. I quickly logged out of the account so I wouldn't be seen and spent the next hour or so trying to act normal and be calm, waiting for an opportunity to check it again.

After I went back to check, I realized it was the baby-sitter's email account that she had logged into while we were gone last Friday. I was relieved but still pretty shaken having spent the last hour thinking the worst.

I wasn't sure if I should even mention it to my W, but decided to do it anyway. When I told her what had happened, her initial reaction was to laugh. And then she said "I know it's not funny, but I had to laugh". I told her I didn't think it was funny at all and then explained my reaction to seeing that email account.

I don't think she really got how much that messed me up seeing that even though it was a false alarm. It felt just like last January all over again when I found her secret email account the first time.

I think you did right to tell her what happened and how you felt about it. I'm sure it hurt hearing her laugh, but at least you know her honest reaction. The trick here I think is to make sure that neither of you judges the other for your feelings.

I cringed a little bit myself reading the top part of your post!

I think so too. The hard part is not wishing too hard for the reaction you wish for.


But I already have in my mind! I can't help it. It's such a strong emotional response, I just want her to feel it. But I didn't say anything judgmental.

I know. But not saying it is the main thing! Eventually your brain starts to learn to "not go there."

If you are to the point where you don't say every judgmental thing that you think, you are already doing better than 99.9% of the people on the rest of us!

But not saying it is the main thing!

What is the "it" that should not be said? That definition is the soul of whether the MB program (as in PORH)is being applied.

Things that should not have been said:

Your laughing at this shows you have very little understanding of the level of my hurt, FC!
How DARE you think this is funny!!!

Things that very definitely should have been said:

Having this trigger has upset me, and I wanted you to know that.
Your reaction has caused me additional pain.

The difference is that in the "good" responses you are only providing to FC information about your emotional state; if she has bought into the MB program, she will then use that information to comfort you. The "bad" responses would be DJs on your part, trying to project your interpretations on what her reaction was.

Our UA time has been good lately. Earlier this week, I was thinking that we were making some real progress, two steps forward if you will, but I was preparing myself mentally for the inevitable two steps back.

Well, it happening at the beginning or our date last night. W was telling me that she was thinking about doing some substitute teaching in the future. Like in a couple of years when our DD is a little older. Wanting to be radically honest, I told her that the thought of her being in a school again kind of freaked me out a little bit. She responded with "That makes me feel trapped. It makes me sad." So I said "Well, we could brainstorm on some solutions to the problem." But she just responded to that with "There's nothing I can do about it." And so that conversation ended, but it left a cloud over the whole evening.

I'm not sure how to approach this, because I feel like it does us no good for her to feel trapped. That can't be a good thing right? But it does us no good for me to not be honest about how I feel either is it?

I think she's going to feel trapped until the two of you come up with some alternative. She may not be very optimistic right now that there is an alternative, so the suggestion of brainstorming doesn't fill her with very much hope. If that is the case, I would be brainstorming on my own and periodically suggesting some things.

Well, looking for the GOOD news, it is encouraging that you each had the fortitude to express your feelings with RH, and without clouds of unnecessary and interfering emotion.

(I will give her the benefit of the doubt by assuming she's merely highly ignorant of what acting on this idea would do to you. The alternative would be to condemn her for intentionally trying to "zing" you, or paint you as obstructing any opportunity she might have.)

So, who's got the ball to move this forward, FTF?

**EDIT**

Yes! The hard part for me is that I often don't hear what I want to hear. Either way though I'd rather have honesty than base my actions on dishonesty.


I've never believed believed that was the truth. She just says "she has no choice...". The DJ would come from me completing that thought for her.

I think this is probably right.