Well, what you've described IS an affair. But, if she stops contacting him, that will do the job.

Here's the problem:

She's lying. She will continue to contact him.

YOU must snoop on her to find out what she is really doing. You have got to find out what you are up against, if you want to do something about it.

What spyware do you have on?

Keylogger Programs
GPS
VAR

Can you afford a PI?

Were you present when she told him?

If not, let me tell you how she told him:

"I'm sorry, but my husband is being really difficult. I had to tell him we aren't going to see each other any more. We'll have to be careful to make sure he doesn't notice. See you at work tomorrow!" <HUG> <KISS>

Is she still working with him? Because that's contact.

That is not credible.

I'm sorry but I don't believe she is having an affair.

Why?

Okay.

Anyway, you need to do the things I listed above:

* examine her life, look into what she is doing, become so intimately familiar with her that she could not be having a relationship without you knowing it
* make love bank deposits, win her back, be the nicest husband possible, win her romantically, take her out on a DATE

The plan is unchanged whether you believe she is having an affair or not.

Meanwhile, you did not answer my question: is she still working with him? Because that is CONTACT.

By the way, Dr. Harley gives out the book Surviving an Affair at all his seminars, even to people who have not had an affair. There is lots of important Marriage Building information in there. I suggest you view that video.

Yes she still works with him but she has an incredible job for this area so there is no way she is going to quit. They do have an internal message board so I would never be able to see it or stop it anyway. But why would she tell me she put a stop to it after last night telling me she is done with me and that she wants to split our family up and her heart is close and will not open back up for me.

Because people in affairs LIE! Think about it. If you were having an affair would you go around and tell everyone that you were? In divorce court an affair could land you more of the assets too. She's being a stay out of trouble liar.

We know affairs when we see them. Don't be blind! We all did not just land on this site yesterday. Your story is about as cookie cutter as it can get (almost). You gotta stop listening to her and think for yourself. You say your scared. Your anxiety is causing you to freeze up. You are being gaslighted. Don't fall for it anymore. Stand up for yourself and your marriage. Be a man!

Look the only time she is not with me is at work or this one night out a week. I am sure if anything I am crowding her.

The affair is still on.

That is contact, then. She is still in contact with the guy.

And this guy is making it impossible for you to win by depositing love units alone.

If I were you, I would get logging software onto her work computer so you can see what she is saying to him at work.

Repeating again:

Please read.
Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid an Affair Letter #1
Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 How Do Affairs Begin?

Here's another.
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Suggestion: read these anyway, even if you don't think you need it. There's still information you may need to save your marriage.

Putting aside the affair idea here is a list of things she has issues with.
Wouldn't take her to lunch for 10 years
Put everyone else first
Ex. Thanksgiving, day before her dad died from a long illness, was leaving the day after thanksgiving. Had thanksgiving at friends house and our kids were playing wii. She wanted to go home and I said to her, it was friends wife's turn.( she always thought I had a thing for friends wife). Had to borrow money from my parents to get just her to ny for funeral for second year in a row since we thought he was dying the year before. There were no flowers from my family at funeral. She came back screaming at me that my family were [censored] because a month earlier her family sent flowers to my brothers funeral. In an argument I said get over it. Dumbest thing I have ever done. Turns out her brother told me years later my family sent a tree that got there two days later, but damage was done. She can pick individual days from the past where I have done something to hurt her. I have trouble remembering good times. She says before the children we were in love. Since we moved to ny she has been all around her friends and is so happy. The first year we moved here I was a complete [censored]. About the weather the jobs the people. It wasn't until she had EA and lost a ton of weight that I woke up. She says she did try to fake being in love with me like Dr. Laura says but it didn't work. Now when I try to hold her she tells me to please give her space. The Thursday night out with coworkers is a fun time for her not a heavy time like she gets when she's with me.

Fordman, what has happened here is that she is having an affair. When a wife has an affair, she drums up every grievance going back 20 years in order to paint you as satan incarnate in an attempt to justify her affair.

I would hire a PI or get some good snooping resources in place so you can get the goods on her affair. The affair is the problem. And sure, we know she fell out of love, but nothing can be done to fix the marriage as long as there is an affair going on.

Can you do that? And you need to STOP agreeing to her going out running around like a single woman. That is bad for your marriage and you need to tell you don't agree or condone her behavior.

You really need to get started reading the articles by Dr. Harley on this site so you can understand what you need to do here. Have you read any of the links that people have been posting to you?