Living in separate cities is a death sentence for your marriage.

DoI understand you correctly, mrs_cen - it is your son who is planned to come out at Christmas and spend his summer vacations with you, not your H? There was no talk about you and RNR living in separate cities?

Yes, it is my son, not BS and I.

If you want to undo this stalemate then you need to talk to him and try and explain the misunderstanding, if that's what it was.

How did he go from hearing "I'm worried about leaving my son behind" to believing that you cashed in the plane tickets? Have you discussed your (very understandable) anxiety about your son before? Haven't you explored the pros and cons of taking him and leaving him already? Didn't your anxieties come up in those discussions?

Have you been fighting since the agreement to move? Please explain how you came to this impasse. It surely didn't come out of nowhere.

We have discussed my anxiety with leaving him, BS just repeats over and over that we can't force him to move and that he will be fine here, we have also discussed taking him, BS feels it would be good, but I feel it would do more harm then good, thus the decision to leave him.
We've been fighting since we bought the tickets ~ now that we actually have them, my anxiety has increased and I've expressed more my worry about it to him, wondering if I'm doing the right thing, is DS going to resent me for leaving etc. BS see's that as me wanting to back out of the move.

Have you come to a conclusion in your own mind on the question of leaving your son? BTW, I suggest that if he says that he is happy to stay, you should not dwell on the issue of future resentment.

How old is he? For how long will he get the support services he gets now? How long will it be until he leaves school, so that he can perhaps move to your area, if he wants to, then?

Is there anything you can offer in negotiation to RNR, such as I suggested earlier?

He just turned 14, he will need/have some kind of support for the rest of his life. He (DS) is very close to my parents, this is where he'll stay ~ I don't imagine him ever wanting to move, BUT there's always a chance.
I've asked BS, he's said I can always come back, BUT I will be coming alone, he's not ever going to come back.

Is he still working on eliminating his AOs?

Yes, he is - he went out for about two hours to clear his head. He has not yet taken his ange management course yet though.

Just a basic fact check:

Your son is from a previous marriage, not your husband, and your stepdaughter is your husband's from a previous marriage, not yours? Is that correct?

Going later might be an option that would make it easier on your son and might be something you and your husband would both like.

I did not realise that your older child was your H's stepson. Were you ever married to your son's father? What happened to end that relationship?

Have been in contact with Dr. Harley again, we will be on the program again tomorrow ~ PRAY to God he can help.

This is good news, mrs_cen.

I will tell you what I told your husband: when you guys fight you say all kinds of things that are over the top and blow what the other said out of proportion. But when you are calm, you are rational, you are able to save your problems together.

The biggest problem you guys have is you need to learn to STOP FIGHTING. It doesn't help any problem to drop a nuclear bomb on top of it and turn it into a nuclear wasteland.

Whole heartledley agree Markos, as I told Mrs. Harley - it's something we both struggle with.

Have you guys seen this?

How to negotiate when you are an emotional person

I listened to your radio programme and found it most interesting.

Would you mind summing up the advice that Dr Harley gave you? Has your H heard the programme? Does he agree with your analysis of the advice you were given? Have the two of you decided to take the advice and work through each of the solutions systematically?

Are you and your H talking now, and creating a pleasant atmosphere between you?

I would be grateful if you could answer my questions about your son and his father.

He has heard most of the program, he is not happy with the advice regarding the car ~ he feels its to much of a "coincidence", that possibly I planned to give the car to the OM and follow that up with an affair 8 years later.
I am willing to work through the solutions, but with BS stuck on the JC in regards to the car, it seems unsurpassable.
I had a chance to speak to Dr. Harley before the program and he was able to help me put things into perspective a bit better.

My son is from a previous marraige that ended when I was 23, it was less then a year, we got married because I was pregnant, we divorced because we never should have been married. There was no "underlying" cause to the dissolution o the marriage other than we decided we were not compatible.

Thank you for responding. It's a pity that your H did not speak to Dr H when he had the chance, because a direct conversation with him would have been of great benefit. Your H is not very clear on the difference between what is good for the marriage and you two jointly. i.e. Just Compensation, and his need to make you pay for having your affair. I worry that his refusal to at least try to take on Dr H's advice means that he will not work through the problems in the marriage and he will continue to put pressure on you, including the use of anger, to make you do what he wants you to do, even if that is unpleasant to you. The marriage can't survive that treatment.

When you say that he is stuck on the issue of the car, is he insisting that you do what he wants, even after the radio show? The best thing would be for you to simply put that issue aside and proceed with the rest of Dr H's advice.

Are you (jointly) still planning to move?

What are his plans for an anger management course?

Did you meet RNR before you were divorced from your last H?

He has not said much since listening, other than to reiterate the "coincidence" and that it will plague him for a long time, whether it not he will follow Dr.Harley's advice, I'm not sure.

The move is still a go ~ we are set to leave one week from tomorrow.
He plans to look into anger management once we are setteled in NL.
I did not meet BS until 5 years after the divorce.