So are you enthusiastic about the move? And your DS14 staying with your parents?

Are you at least enthusiastic about doing this on a trial basis, as Dr H advised?

Yes, of course on a trial bases?

When the Harleys moved to Minnesota, Dr. Harley told Joyce they could move back anytime she wasn't enthusiastic anymore.

I'm not sure you can do anything about those feelings for now. They are understandable and mixed up with his understandable feelings of resentment about the affair. If I were to find out today that my H did something favourable for OW and then had his affair with her years later, I would have difficulty digesting this for a while.

I suggest that you just leave the topic alone, whatever he says about "coincidence". There is nothing you can or should do about it now. The plan is to move and then work on your current and future behaviours in your marriage, especially your joint problem of angry outbursts. The move will change the atmosphere a lot, as Dr H said, and will probably do more than anything else to diminish your H's feelings of resentment.

I don't know if you heard the programme or would agree with my summary, Brainy, but it was my understanding that Dr H advised mrs_cen to move back to her parents and her son, alone in all probability, if her H did not work on the marriage and continue to see JC as equalling punishment for her affair.

Yes I totally agree with your summary. If after the move he is still having problems then I agree with Dr. H that she should move back.

Him refusing to be on the show is a huge sign.

I am enthusiastic BUT terrified about the move. Leaving DS14 is something that is going to weigh on me, but I have every confidence that he will be just fine with my parents, we've talked about havin him come out and visit, he is in agreement with that, so I do feel better.

BS has always said, I can come back at anytime, that he will bring me back if I feel it's not working. I will leave the topic of the car alone and focus on the move right now.

Just to clarify - BS didn't "refuse" to come on the show, his work schedule did not permit him that time.

mrs_cen, my understanding of Dr H's advice was that he was not at all impressed with your H's attitude to working on the marriage, and he was concerned for how he might be treating you. (He said something along the lines that if your H thought that he - Dr H - was speaking wrongly about him, then your H should contact him.)

He wasn't painting you as the angel. You had the affair, and you admitted to also having angry outbursts still today. The difference seems to be that you contacted Dr H for advice (twice now), and you went through with being on the show, whereas your H seems to have sacked off with no excuse or apology. You seem to be serious about wanting to help your H and your marriage to recover. You want to move to accomplish this, even though it means moving a huge distance away from your son and parents.

Your H hasn't followed through with anger management training, he resents Dr H's advice and is still letting his anger and resentment drive him.

That difference is why (I think) Dr H advised you to move back if this isn't working after about a year. Not perfect in a year, but it must be improving.

Thank you for the clarification about being on the show.

I have heard Dr H say that for a boy especially, when parents are separated, his going to live with his father is actually a very good thing. (I know he will in fact be with your parents, but I gather his father will be taking an active role.) Dr H talked to me on the phone about my own teenaged son at the time of my last D Day (2011), and when I was talking about separation, he sidetracked into this issue. He wasn't recommending that my son (15 then) went to live with my H; he was more musing on the different effects of separation on boys and girls - I have one of each. He said that a boy living with his mother would most likely become more and more difficult, and it would actually be in both their interests for him to live with his father when he was in his teens.

In your case, your marriage is in such trouble, and your son possibly is an additional complication for you to juggle, given that he is RNR's stepson and has his own father in contact. Even if he gets on very well with RNR, he might not get on so well with you for a while, simply because he is a teenaged boy. Living with his father (or with his father having the major say over his care, once you are far away) will put him under an authority that you and RNR may lack. He will benefit from this. Your marriage will also benefit from having the difficult "blended family" issue removed.

Your relationship with your son will probably improve if his father is given authority over him. Please don't see this as hurting or neglecting your son.

Congratulations on pointing out your anger problem on the show. It seems you both want to attack each other instead of looking in the mirror. Hopefully your admission and solving of your AOs will break that cycle of abuse. Your show was really informative.

After 24 hours and counting of no sleep, we (BS & DD8) have made it to Newfounland.
I'm a bit overwhelmed with all of it, but BS seems to have an "invisible" weight lifted. This has been a HUGE step, and I'm so very hopeful and excited about where this "adventure" will take us.

This is really good news, mrs_cen. Thank you for reporting back.

Do you have somewhere to live?

How is your son?

We are staying with BS's parents right now, in the the beginning stages of lolling for our own place.
DS14 is good! We gave him an engraved bracelet with all our initials, and he wrote in a journal that he gave to me - "I will be fine and I'm sure you will to", which made me feel better, and we've got plans to either go back to AB for Christmas or get DS14 out here to us.

That's great news.

If you have continuing problems, you could try writing to Dr H for advice again. You need to make this new start the best it can be.

This is great news. Congratulations on your new start together!

MrsCen, that is wonderful news! And I think your boy will be just fine with his grandparents and his dad. He needs that stability now and it will be good for him to spend his teen years with his dad.

Thanks everyone!
We will also get much more "opportunity" to ensure we're getting all our UA time in ~ since "nanny & poppy" are more than thrilled to spend much awaited catch up time with DD8.
I do realize that even though moving was a huge step and one of BS JC's, there I still much more work to do on my part, towards both his recovery and mine.
I don't want to fall placid to recovery or do the "limp along" thing either.

The fog is not do murky now is it?! Congrats

Stay with us; we won't let you!

Congratulations on this wonderful news. Moving will make the world of difference. It certainly did for us.

We know that when someone receives news of a terminal illness for example, the person goes through different "stages" ~ grief,anger,denial,bartering etc ~ then finally acceptance. Is there such a thing for WS's? Once the "fog" has lifted (which could be considered a stage?)
I'm finding that though I am excited about our new start here, I'm struggling with what I can only describe as sadness mixed with disgust. We had to leave our home, uproot our kids, leave our jobs and I was the cause of it, I did this. Getting past it seems impossible right now.

On a plus note as RNR posted, he's doing well, happy to be home and finally putting weight back on. We have joined our local gym and are exceeding our UA time, I don't think either of us knew how similar we actually are until we really began to put the effort in.
BS, continues to be supportive and we have found me a new doctor here (first appointment today) he has had ZERO AO's since being home and away from his triggers etc ~ the plan is still to do the classes.