I am new to this website and forum. I have been reading a lot of the marriage builders information. So I am not sure how this really works, but here goes.

I am almost 11 years older than my husband. He is my second husband. My first was abusive, verbally and physically it was not a good relationship. My husband now is a wonderful person.
We have been married for 12 plus years now. We are military but only have been military for about 4 years now.

I have always been insecure with my looks and have always struggled with self confidence issues. I do feel that there are many things in my past that helped in grain these feelings.

Any way my husband and I do not have very good communication so we found this web site after an issues that recently came up due to my insecurities and lack of trust. Don't get me wrong as far as I know he has never given me a reason to not trust him.

We have had these issues in the past but since he has joined the military I have seem to be struggling more and more as time goes on.

He is a quite/shy kind of person but that has changed a lot over the years. He is still by far not as out going as I am but it has change and is not what was normal in the beginning.

He also works in the medical field so now the majority of co workers are females. This bothers me but I thought I was doing good until our recent move. Now we are located in a foreign where the base is smaller and I am faced with younger women and his interactions all the time. I also feel that we have become more distance that before. I feel that his live is changing and I am getting left behind.

We took the emotional needs questionnaire and have established what our top 5 are and the areas we need to work in but in doing so it brought up some issues with physical attractiveness. That lead me to start asking questions I wished not that I had never asked because I don't know what to do with the information and how to move past it. Here is the information. I asked about how I rated on a scale of 1-10 with not emotions involved just physical features. Back when we meet he rated me a 9 but now I am an 8. I also had him rate others that he worked with luckily I rated higher than they did but still. I also asked why did is seem that he is always noticing other women more now than when we first got together? He stated that you can not help but notice, that is what guys do they look. Then I ask why take a second look? He said that when he looks it is not in a sexual nature the compared it to looking or noticing a nice car or sports car. You look because you like looking at those features. So I asked, so you are telling me that you enjoy looking at other women. His answer is yes, but not in a sexual way. So this right now is my biggest issue. Knowing that he is looking at other women and enjoying it, but supposedly not in a sexual way. Is that even possible? And that I am only an 8 in his eyes...I know that probably sounds selfish but does not ever women want to feel that her husband would rate her as a 10 even though we know that there is not such thing, because a 10 is perfect?

Please any information to help me get through this would be great. I have not had much sleep since this.

Thanks

Hi skyrim, welcome to Marriage Builders. The biggest problem I see here is that a) he gawks at women and b) he works with young attractive females. So of course this is going to upset you and cause jealousy. Jealousy is a natural reaction to a risk in marriage. You rightly see the risk here. So one of the first things he needs to do is stop gawking.

Once he stops doing that, and you start really using this program, you will find that your PA score will go up because he will be passionately in love with you and he won't be comparing you to other women. Check this out:

So I am still not sure what to do. My husband and I have talked about how it makes me feel when he looks, or notices other women. I am not sure that the is one who gawks, but has done a double take before. He is willing to try and be respectful to me an my feeling. I guess that is all someone can ask for, but how ever in the misty of our conversation about this situation. I asked lots of questions. Questions now that I wished I had never asked, because I don't know how to move beyond the knowledge.

I asked why do you look? His reply was because he was appreciating the beauty of a woman/female, and that he enjoyed it. That is was the same as looking at a ice car and appreciating the looks of the car or how you would enjoy a beautiful sun set. I gives him pleasure, but that it does not take away from me or how he feels about me.

Then of course I was stupid and took it one step further and had him rate or rank women on a scale of 1 - 10, for the women he worked with and me. Yes I even asked about me, which I also wished I had not done. Now this rating is on physical features only. Back when we meet it was a 9, now I am a 8. Now mind you that is still pretty high, but hurts like the devil.

So now when we are out anywhere all I do is think of how or which women he is noticing and rank they are and what is the reason he noticed in the first place. Then if I do notice him look, when we are in a place where no one can here us I ask him so what was it about that one. He is still honest and tells me what may have caught his eye.

I am at a loss and I feel that I will never be able to move on from here and I know that if I do not that what ever kind of marriage we had or could of had will never happen. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

What does he say when you tell him you don't like it?

Hi skyrim, please read my post above. Your questions were addressed in that post.

He says he understands as much as he can, and that he will try not to look.

I read your post and shared the information with him. And I would say that he is trying. He does not look for even just a second more of the times. The issue now is me and how I move beyond this. Beyond the information that I now know.

I will admit I am very insecure and have not self confidence and what little I had if any is gone now.

I am so full of hurt and anger that even when he may not be looking I think he is or start questioning him about every female that we pass even when we are grocery shopping. Even if she glanced noticed it was a female and turn his head away, does not matter at this point now. That is where the struggle lies, with me.

Will he come here and post?

How has he been doing on meeting your ENs?

How much UA time are you getting?

He's in the military? Are you together every night?

Not sure if he would or not. I would have to ask.

In regards to EN's that area has been lacking for a long time and we realize it even more after taking the questionnaire.

With UA I am not sure in the past I would say only when in the bedroom. With in the last few weeks maybe more due to the situation.

Yes, he is military. For the most part we are unless he has been sent on a training.

Of course I am willing to come here and talk..but you would have to ask. I guess this is just an offer if you want it.

(edit) This part of the forum seems to be dead..can this thread be moved somewhere it will get more attention?

A couple of questions, skyrim. How would rate him in meeting your needs for affection and admiration?
Please go read this article, download the questionnaire and both of you fill out a copy. Come back and tell us what your most important emotional needs are how you rate each other. here

How much time do you spend together each week meeting each others needs for sexual fulfillment, affection, conversation and recreational companionship? How often do you go out on dates? Can you write out a schedule describing all of the alone time you spent together this week. For example:

Monday - 3 hours - dinner date
Tuesday - 2 hours shopping

Welcome to MB.

It looks like the MODS moved this to MB101.

Would you please start your own thread so we may help you?

You rigged the question.

My wife is 59. She doesn't look the same as she did when she was 20. If she asked if she looked like a twenty year old the honest answer would be no.

When I look at her I see the face that gazed back at me when we made love. I see the face I saw when my daughter came into the world. I see the face that was gazing down at me when I woke from surgery. I see the hands that held mine when my father died. I see the arms that held me in my sleep. I see .....you get the idea.

At twenty we didn't have any of that. Just features can't compete.

It is the face that warms my heart like no other. Of course you want your husband's emotions involved when he sees you.

Right...


Man, she is beautiful, I...


... bet she would be fun to discuss astrophysics with.

... bet she makes a mean chicken fettucinne.

... bet she is an excellent drag race driver.

... would like to ask her opinion on the situation in Syria.

... bet she has some genious interior design ideas.

... think she must have a high skill for solving calculus equations.



Like a sports car, huh?


Sure, take the previous, and add;

... would like to run her through some curves!



"It's not sexual in nature!"


Right.

We did the questionnaire a few weeks back. The following are my 5 emotional needs.
Intimate conversation -2
Honesty and openness -2
Affection -2
Admiration -2
Recreational companionship here is a 2 not a -2


My sexual fulfillment (3) is fine the only thing in that regards was that I would like more foreplay, which can include so many things, not just the things in the bed room.

Most of our time spent with any conversation mostly has to do with me leading the conversation or asking questions, because he does not talk. He has always been a quite person even before we started dating that is just him. But when we do talk like I said I do most of the talking and before we took the questionnaire, he would always be to busy with his smart phone or the computer.
No we really don�t go out on dates, and even if we do go out to dinner some where it ends up being him on his phone. Now with out his phone to keep his attention maybe that is why I have notice that he is noticing other women more often that he seem to before. What little recreational things that we do are typically in a group setting so therefore it is not just us. Which brings me to another thing that I have notice more and more, when we do go do things with friends or co workers, he will pay more attention to them than me, or talk to them more, laugh and joke. Those are things he never really does with me. Another example is when right before we got here to our new base, a group of his co workers wanted to get together and hang out at this indoor game arena. A place where they had go carts and bowling, laser tag, mini golf and etc., now I don�t remember what we where arguing about before he let to go, but I had stated I was not going to go, one reason is I was hurt and mad the other I did have to go take care of a friends animals that I was house sitting for while she was on vacation. After I got done with the animal care I decided to text him and let him know and see if they where still there and if he wanted me to stop by. He said yes, and so I did. That was a big mistake. While we where there he totally ignored me, and my opinions and suggestions in some of the things the group was doing. Here is what I mean. Everyone was trying to figure out what to do next. I made the suggestion that we should go try the miniature bowling, 3 of the other females suggested the laser tag. So rather than him saying or stating to go with me, he went with them. So once they started laser tag game, I decided to go play bowling. When I was finished I went to see if the laser tag was still going on, and it was not. They had finished and moved on to another game and he noticed I was gone but did not care enough to come find me or anything. So I decided at that point I was so hurt that I should go home. I told him I was going to head home so that I could take care of our animals and left. I texted him and told him that I was not sure that he could have broke my heart any more than he had just done. He of course when he arrived home stated that I was over reacting, which is something he does often. He tells me I am over reacting or I am acting crazy, or that my reaction does not match the event. Anyway when we got here at this base we met with one of his co workers, she is very nice drove us everywhere we needed to go. One day we took a trip with the base to learn about a near by city. While we are touring the city, he is walking with her, talking to her and does not even notice that I have fell behind. The reason I fell behind is that I had and still have a foot/ankle issue I have been dealing with for a while and after a while I start limping and some times really can�t walk very good. My son was with us that day and he typically is a fast walker as well, but he was the one who decided to look back to see where I was and stopped and weighted on me. Then slowed his pace and walked with me. All while my husband did not and never did. So that is how our time together goes.

I am willing to make a schedule of our time together over the next week and share it here.

Now as to his emotional needs, here are his and how he rated me.

Honesty openness 2
Affection 1
Sexual Fulfillment 2
Intimate conversation 2
Recreational companionship -1

I guess in a way it was a rigged question, and you are right we do change as we age, but should your partner still be physically attractive to you, not just because you have been with them for a specific amount of time.

Don't most people want to believe or know that when their spouse looks at them that the there is a physical attraction still there?

I do feel that it is sexual in nature. There has to be a reason to WANT to look.

Like today he went with me to my physical therapy appt., and of course we walk in and an there is a female sitting there with a low cut dress on. Now he states he only notice the low cut dress once while I was sitting there. Even though I felt that he had looked more than once. But I guess the issue is when I left the waiting area for my appt. he look/notice the low cut dress more, basically the kept glancing at her cleavage that was showing.

Now I guess I have always know that men look, and that depending on the man that the thought process is different. I guess in regards to my husband I knew he notice things and people, everyone does including me. What I did not know was that he liked doing it. Until recently with our conversation has he realize doing so while with me is very disrespectful to me so he is willing to try to not do that. However if the looking, noticing really means nothing then why when I am not around would he still have the need or want to look?

I guess I feel the same as you I feel that there is more to it than what he is saying.

Also I have another question people can maybe help answer, are there other forms of cheating on you spouse beside actually being sexual with another person. Is there such a thing as emotional cheating?

Can you email Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

This is the biggest problem in your marriage. You don't spend enough time together in your marriage to even sustain romantic love. He doesn't focus his attention on you when you are together because it is squandered on other people or he is looking at his phone. Instead you are competing with his friends all the time.

I would start there. Start scheduling 20+ hours per week of undivided attention time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and rec companionship. It should be out on dates, ideally 4 - 4 hour dates, with no friends around. No TV or movies either! You will feel more valued in the marriage if he starts focusing on you and only you for 20 hours a week. undivided attention

Gawking is a habit and he needs to get out of the habit. If he gets out of the habit, he won't do it when you aren't there either. When men don't give up the habit, it is easy to tell because they continually slip up in front of their wives.