I'm confused. Did he know you had a keylogger on there?

So if he can't put together and abide by EPs to avoid another affair. It's going to be tough.

Can you put parent lock on everything??

HalfUnit,

Marriage Builders is not a plan that works when the wife is doing most of the work. When the husband drags his feet and makes exceptions and ignores the rules, the wife needs to start making plans to protect herself from her husband.

Whoa whoa Whoa....Not sure how this got so confusing. His affair started in 10/08, I found out in 07/09 (9 months). I found out because I needed info off his computer and saw his new e-mail account (I read plenty, but stupidly made him delete everything). So I confronted him, he "came clean" and the affair ended. During those 9 months he was chatting and e-mailing her not 5" from me.

I researched and that was when I put the keylogger on. He never tried to contact her again.

I e-mailed OW and pretended to be him and told her I could not use that e-mail account and we needed to move to another one and she fell for it. I pretended to be all upset and she asked if she should still move to be near him (her idea, that I read in the e-mails, her asking to, him telling her to stay for her girls). She was planning that in a few weeks time. She lived 1,000 miles away and was giving up her children and H. He (I) told her to wait and see what happened. That was how I found out he had a secret phone as she asked me (him) to call her. She also talked about our good family friend and how she had reached out to him in a panic because she had not heard from H. I totally believed their story that they met only for dinner and one kiss.

I eventually e-mailed her as myself and told her I had discovered the account. She never did find out it was not him she was e-mailing at the beginning. I talked to her for several weeks and she would tell me something and then I would ask H about it. He did not know I was talking to her. Some of what she said would match his story and some wouldn't. I did get more info out of her as I pretended to be her friend and understand her pain. She started sharing problems in her own marriage and how much she loved my H and what a great man he was.

Months later I decided that I really needed to tell her H, it was not fair and he had to know. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, knowing my words were going to turn this mans world upside down. At first he did not believe me, but then I used some of the things OW had shared with me in our e-mails. He asked that I forward those to him plus the ones where she thought she was talking to H. I did.

She had no idea what my H had told me, so she came clean and told a lot and her BH then wrote me with all the details he had learned and I then sat down with my WH again and he came clean on more.

I have never felt as if I had the whole truth, but thought I could let it go and move on. It just didn't work, so I reread some of the e-mails from her BH and I had missed a couple key things and went to my H and asked him and that was when again I learned more.

This cannot continue, I know that. Melody told me years ago to get the poly done and I was to stupid or to embarrassed or whatever, but I did not listen and so now 4 years have gone by and we are back to day one. I have prayed over this so much the last few days and read everything all of you have said and now I either get the poly done or I have no one to complain to if I stay.

I do believe my H needs help. He is a wonderful man, very intelligent, funny and I could go on and on about his good points, but he is a liar. Whether he learned that as a child or he was born that way, he needs help in learning to not do it.

I hope this helps everyone understand things better.

I even have my questions written out.

So when is the poly scheduled?

Interesting development. When I first came to MB, I did buy all the books for "us" to read, read on the site and posted on here etc.

As much as I did, I could not get my H on here. He would read a page or two of a book, we printed out some of the worksheets and he half way did them.

We had a long talk last night and I was very angry over our Focus on the Family call (see thread) and I really opened up on how I felt. I then brought up our failed attempts at MB and it wasn't because I was not putting in 100%, but I could not save the marriage alone. H thinks he can say I love you and I'm sorry and everything is OK. I told him I was not sweeping this under the rug. We fix it or call it quits.

So this morning he gets up early and I get up an hour later. We grab coffee and he starts talking about how he had been reading on here. How it hit him that the reasons he did not want to read on here or the books in the past was when he got to the Radical Honesty part, it made him uncomfortable, so he made excuses not to read. He said he knew back then he was lying and reading this morning he got it. It became clear to him.

At one time I had encouraged him to join and he made reasons why he couldn't. Now he is going to join, which is huge to me. He is willing to do the whole program not just the parts he was comfy with.

So the ball is in his court so to speak.

Schedule the poly graph. Get your questions done.

You need to quit lollygagging and bringing up the affair - get the poly done, and stop bringing the affair up.

Not sure what I did to tick you off, but correct me if I am wrong, isn't this a place to come to for help and not be told to stop bringing up the affair. Hmmmm I have read many many threads that go on for weeks, years and only a few times do people get attacked when needing help. Interesting why you have now posted on two of my threads in such a odd way.

I am in the Surviving An Affair section?

You are the type of person who runs hurting people needing help off a site. Shame on you!

Are you ignoring my question?

When is the polygraph scheduled?

Next week and no I am not ignoring your questions.

Ok good.

Did you see the questions on the polygraph thread?
Post your questions here for feedback.

HHH wasn't attacking you. What you'll find is members who are straight to the point. He was saying to get your answers about his affair instead of constantly bringing it up. Dr. Harley has said that the BS should ask what questions they need answered and then get into recovery but don't continually bring it up. Part of starting recovery is the WS open to answering these questions.

The part of making it safe to be honest is the spouse is able to be honest without the other spouse getting angry or freaking out because of the honesty. I do see where you've said others are attacking you when what they've tried to do is be honest. Essentially you want your spouse to feel comfortable with being honest and not have toworry about how you'll respond.

HU,

I agree with the posters on both of your threads. I don't think HHH was attacking you at all. I think you've been so hurt and lied to that your perception may be off.

Your WH has been lying and gaslighting you for years. Have you seen your doctor? I'm concerned you may be experiencing PTSD.

Will you email Dr. Harley?

I lived through 9/11 I have always had PTSD. I have never gotten angry at WH, nor have I ever freaked out (except when I first found out, but I didn't lash out or yell at him), more like I cried for days.

My other post was only to help others seeking advise through something free and not getting good advice. I will not do that again. Go read that whole thread again it was like no one understood it.

I still think telling someone to not mention the affair again when HHH in his own thread stated:

"Not so much a question, but just a chance to be heard by people who know and understand. People who don't have a direct investment but can be supportive. It's the one thing that I am lacking."

The detective coming out in me!

Maybe I am needing support like he did, but that is not what he offered at all.

I started to post more, but whats the point honestly

We are here to help you and support you use MB.

Will you post your questions here?
Will you email Dr. Harley?

3 years later, I might be a little bit different - not quite like I was in October of 2010 when I posted my story and that response.

For instance; we put together a plan and followed it. I stopped bringing up my wife's affair (last discussed 3/2011). We make sure to have proper UA time, and it is felt when that is not met.


That doesn't change that the affair is still brought up between you and your husband 4 years later, and that is a major issue. Every time you discuss the affair with your husband, the recovery clock goes to 0. Every. Time.

Every time you talk about the affair, you lose love for your husband - Love Units are withdrawn with neither his knowledge nor consent. Every. Time.

Every time you talk about it, you bring the past into the present. Every. Time.


So, when I see you cutting yourself, and I tell you to put down the damned razor blade... if you want to call that an attack, sister... well, I don't know what else can be done to help you.


Good luck.

Halfunit, how are you doing? I saw you online this morning and was thinking about you..

Hi Melody, Thank you for asking. I still come on here and read. Sadly things are still not resolved here. I had scheduled the poly and 2 days later our daughter ran away.

She had been in therapy for awhile, she was becoming worse. So we had started seeing her therapist as well to try and help her. She is still gone, we have no idea where she is. It is just a long horrible story.

So I felt under the circumstances there was no reason to post on here. As soon as we reschedule the poly and that gets done I will be back with the results. My FWH knows that has to be done or our marriage is over, we can't heal anything without taking the first step.

HU

HU, how absolutely dreadful. May you and your daughter be speedily and safely reunited. Please take care of yourself at this trying time.

HU, can you sign up for the MB course? I think it is going to take a serious approach and good, solid guidance. Have you looked into that? That is what my DH and I did back in 2007. They assign you a coach and take you through the program step by step. You have daily access to Dr Harley. I am very sorry to hear about your daughter.