Totally agree. Except I would add the other point I made earlier not only EP's but O&H.


Really pulling for you and your H fifteen years!


I know you are going to make it.

My mind is spinning and I am not sure what do say and where to begin. Almost a year ago today(9/13) Mr. XVY decided to give our marriage another try. This past year, I have felt that things were going good.

I was excited for next Friday to celebrate our one year of a new beginning. Today however Mr. XVY sat me down and told me that he still can't get over what happened and that he has not be happy for awhile and has been trying to mask it. He ran into OM this past Tuesday and has been very distant since then. I tried to talk to him about it and he just shut down and would not talk about it until today when he told me that he was done with us.


I truly had no idea! Once again he truly caught me by surprise. He keeps his feelings so bottled up that it is really hard to ever truly know how he is feeling. I am in such shock and a million different emotions are running through my mind.

A part of me feels like he does this to hurt me. That because he is still so hurt that this is one way he knows he can truly "get me back" for what I did. Another part of me is angry because when he agreed to get back together "for real" last year he agreed to be open and honest with me about everything. To me that included telling me how he was feeling instead of bottling it up until he explodes and then want to run away.

I am truly exhausted! I have done everything on my side to make our marriage the best it can be. I guess looking back now, I am realizing that for the past couple of months Mr. XVY has not seemed quite as committed. The part of me that really wanted this marriage to work was willing to look over those little things so we could hold onto our marriage.

I am just not sure where to go or what to do? Do I keep fighting? Is it a lost cause if he has given up? I just feel like he is choosing to be miserable and that with or without me he will be miserable. I know these are selfish thoughts but I just don't feel in my heart that his walking away from us is going to make the pain any easier.

Again, I know these are selfish thoughts and that if he really wants to leave, I need to let him go. I just did not see this coming and am so shocked by it. Not really sure what to do. I keep thinking of Mike Still Smiling and his situation. I have not read his post in awhile but the last one I read he was contemplating leaving for the same reasons that Mr. XVY is.

I remember his post really bothered me. Maybe subconsciously I knew that Mr. was in the same place. Any advice, prayers, thoughts are more than welcome. Thanks for listening!!

fifteen, I am so sorry to hear this news.

I had a suspicion that there there was a revenge affair by your H. I don"t have the time to re-read your whole thread right now, but I did find this, and this is where you should start. He did not change out of the blue two months ago. He changed because he has been in contact with other women, as he had been here, back in December 2012:

Some would say that your H was right not to ever have been on board after your most recent, second affair. I believe some people did say that to you at the start of this thread. It would certainly be a trauma of insurmountable proportions if I ever discovered a subsequent affair by my H.

However, an affair is always wrong, and he does not have the right to lie to you all this time. You need to know what you have been dealing with, and my suspicion is an affair on his part. There is a good chance that the woman at the centre of the post from December never went away and has grown in importance.

If there is any chance that your H reads this thread and will be tipped off by my posts, please ask the moderators to remove them.

So sorry 15years.

What snooping have you done? Have you ruled out an OW?

I am not going to lie and say that the thought of another did not cross my mind. I however have kept a close eye on him for the past year. We have spend a lot of UA time together and their has not been an opportunity for him to have another affair.

I think that seeing the OM triggered something in him. This however is the fourth time that he has talked about walking away. Every time it catches me off guard and crushes me, not to mention our children.

As I said before, I am exhausted and maybe he is exhausted as well. I don't want to give up on us but I can't control how he feels especially when he does not tell me how he feels.

I can't keep walking on eggshells wondering if and when he is going to decide to leave again. My gut just tells me that his leaving is not going to ease the pain. Again, the most gut wrenching part of it is that since last September, I thought things were going well.

Even if you think there is no opportunity for an affair, people can fit one in at the most clever times.

Keep that in mind.

Does he read here? Can you safely post?

What spyware do you have in place? You're with him 24/7?

Okay MB people, please don't judge me for what I write below. My LBs are at an all time high right now and I have to vent here verses to MR. XVY. So here goes...


I am just so angry right now. Why? Because a year ago when Mr. XVY committed to making us work, he committed to being open and honest. He committed to respecting our marriage. He committed to making it work for better or worse. Looking back at the past year, he has not stuck to his end of the commitment, especially in the open and honest area.

It is frustrating to me that he says he has been miserable since the spring yet I had no clue! I am angry with him for trying to run away again instead of dealing with his emotions. Again, I know this is a selfish thought but I think he does this to hurt me. To remind me that I am the cause of his misery.

Is is wrong for me to allow him to leave without a fight and tell him that if he walks away again I can't allow him to come back? Oh the layers and layers of disaster an affair causes. Believe me I know that the root of this is my fault. I can and will never forget that.

But this has become a game of pain for both Mr. XVY and myself. He holds onto his misery, caused by me. He hides his pain, makes me think that everything is alright then once it builds he walks away leaving me and our kids crushed. Then he slowly walks back and tries it again.

This time however I thought it was the real deal and I just don't think that I can go through this again, we can go through this again.

Is it time to let him go?

Did you see these?

fifteenyears, I think the problem is that he is surrounded by triggers. Running into the OM is a disaster for him that brings everything back to Day 1. He went back to DAY 1 on Tuesday.

What would happen if you removed these triggers by moving away?

I think so, he has not gotten on MB in quite some time...maybe that is the problem. If I do go into any further investigating I will not mention it on here...just in case.

Well, he works with all males. I have his work schedule and he comes home right after work. I check his phone frequently although I know that he can easily erase and text and or phone calls that are suspicious (because that is what I used to do). I also check his phone records on our cell phone account. He has a computer at home but rarely uses but he does have a computer at work.

No we are not together 24/7 but enough to know where we are at all times. The few times that he has gone out with his buddies, I have been his DD and have come to pick him up. In addition, he has done more than enough to prove to me who he was with. We have however been spending most of our time together. I did just recently go back to teaching and we have not gotten to see each other as much.

I don't want to sound naive because I know how frustrated I get when someone is on here and they say that there is no way that their spouse is having an affair, but I really don't think that is the case. I have not (until today) had a suspicion or uneasy feeling about him. Of course that is what he said about me when he found out about my A.


I will not completely rule it out but I really think it has more to do with the fact that he ran into OM. I really associate him with Mikestillsmilling in the fact that he just can't let go of the pain and therefore he must let go of me. Does this ease the pain though? That is where I am so confused.

here

This happened to me for a few YEARS after D-Day because we used to travel to the place I was at when I first discovered the affair. Everytime we went there, I was triggered and felt like I wanted a divorce. Keep in mind, the OW lived 1000 miles away and had never set foot in my state, so I can't even imagine living in the same community with her.

Amazingly, when we moved 300 miles away our marriage went through a dramatic improvement. When we moved out of the house I lived in when I discovered the affair, a black cloud disappeared from our marriage. The affair has never come up since we moved.

That is what I would work toward, trying to get him moved out of that community. And if he refuses, then YOU move away and hope he follows you eventually. You have nothing to lose because you know your marriage will never recover in that environment. So take him up on his offer. Put your house on the market and get it sold.

Tell him you agree, that your marriage is done as long as you continue to live in the same community as the OM. Suggest that you get the house on the market and get it sold. Tell him you plan on moving AWAY from that community and you hope he follows you. Otherwise, this is never going to work.

I think he was sincere when he made that commitment, but simply underestimated the power of these triggers. He is dragged back to Day 1 every time he is triggered. Running into the OM is like being raped all over again.

I understand this. I will definitely offer to do whatever it takes to save us, I just hope it isn't too late

Well, I would do more than offer. I would plan to move away. A move away will benefit you all regardless of whether he comes or not. There is about a 50/50 chance that he will follow you and if he does, your marriage will have a chance. It doesn't have a chance there.

I think moving away is your ONLY hope.