Yes, just recently I spoke to both my daughter and her friends mother about not being able to pick her up our take her over to their house.

Yes, just recently I spoke to both my daughter and her friends mother about not being able to pick her up our take her over to their house. The other mother is fine with this in that she is usually the drive no matter what, she likes the control.

So the answer is yes, your daughter continues going to the house of a friend that lives two door down from the OM.

Every time your DD mentions this friend or goes to her house likely triggered your BH horribly.

I am really REALLY surprised that this was allowed to continue.

You are really going to have to revamp the way that you move forward in this recovery, 15years. I hope this is a real wake-up call and you are able to turn things around...

[
In addition neither H or I are willing to stop our daughter from hanging out with a very dear friend. My H and I did POJA this and trigger or not, he does not want this friendship to end.

[My H and I did POJA this and trigger or not, he does not want this friendship to end..

I understand very clearly that I need to revamp my recovery and will take criticism on legit things that I need to improve on. Please however keep your direct assumptions and accusations to questions rather than jumping to your own truths without knowing all of the facts.

Once again he truly caught me by surprise. He keeps his feelings so bottled up that it is really hard to ever truly know how he is feeling. I am in such shock and a million different emotions are running through my mind.

A part of me feels like he does this to hurt me. That because he is still so hurt that this is one way he knows he can truly "get me back" for what I did.

Another part of me is angry because when he agreed to get back together "for real" last year he agreed to be open and honest with me about everything. To me that included telling me how he was feeling instead of bottling it up until he explodes and then want to run away.

I am truly exhausted! I have done everything on my side to make our marriage the best it can be. I guess looking back now, I am realizing that for the past couple of months Mr. XVY has not seemed quite as committed. The part of me that really wanted this marriage to work was willing to look over those little things so we could hold onto our marriage.

I am just not sure where to go or what to do? Do I keep fighting? Is it a lost cause if he has given up? I just feel like he is choosing to be miserable and that with or without me he will be miserable. I know these are selfish thoughts but I just don't feel in my heart that his walking away from us is going to make the pain any easier.

Again, I know these are selfish thoughts and that if he really wants to leave, I need to let him go.

I just did not see this coming and am so shocked by it. Not really sure what to do. I keep thinking of Mike Still Smiling and his situation. I have not read his post in awhile but the last one I read he was contemplating leaving for the same reasons that Mr. XVY is.

I remember his post really bothered me. Maybe subconsciously I knew that Mr. was in the same place. Any advice, prayers, thoughts are more than welcome. Thanks for listening!!

Susie, I am really getting tired of your assumptions on everything I say.

First, I said I just recently had the conversation with the other mom, you overlooked the part in which I stated that she likes to be the one to drive.

Here is the thing. Your husband is not thinking strategically.

If your husband leaves you, his future will STILL hold heartbreak for him. He will lose his marriage and his family and STILL have occasional run ins with the OM. Leaving you will not lessen his pain, it will INCREASE IT, because he will be adding the breakup of his marriage and his children's family.

On the other hand, if you MOVE AWAY together, you will be removing the triggers altogether, eliminating the resentment. Once the triggers are removed, you will have a chance at replacing that resentment with a happy, romantic marriage. [if the present is happy, ones mind does not go to the past] His resentment will fade and he will have an intact marriage and family.

Divorcing you will not make him feel better, it will make him feel WORSE.

I am shocked by the disrespect you show this man. You are assuming you know what he is feeling. How would you know what he is feeling, because below you state "you were willing to overlook those little things you thought he was bottling up. Doesn't that mean you also are withholding the truth from him? Did you ever care to ask him? Did you do everything you could to find out what was bothering him? Did you stick your head in the sand just expecting him to "GET OVER IT ALREADY?"

Wow, I say he keeps his feelings bottled up and you change my words to "I was will to overlook things". Up until last Tuesday I did not even realize that anything was wrong and it was not because I was off living in selfish land and not paying attention to my husband. Up until this past week we have been spending a lot of UA time together, had good conversation (yes some of it could have been more honest on both ends), had great sex, and I felt a real connection and I think he did too. I think seeing OM brought him back to square one and has made everything raw, and no I didn't just say "get over it" and never have.


Your husband was just assulted again by your other man ... the man you committed adultery with ... you are telling us that he is withdrawing from you to "hurt" you ... that all this is just his way of getting back at you? Melody Lane said it best ... he felt like he just got raped again by you. He is human and has feelings. He is going to be hurt and sad, angry and defensive. The insensitivity here is just shocking ... how could you think this man is simply married to you so he can somehow "GET BACK AT YOU????" If you think so little of him, then cut him loose so he can find a good woman who will care for him.

Again, the perfect example of why this site is only black and white. There is so much behind the scene "gray area" that does not get seen and heard on this site. My H has openly admitted that he has tried to hurt me (not physically) to get back at me and ease his pain. I have also been lied to and cheated on by him. I completely understand that he is going to be sad, hurt, etc...but I also know from his own admission one of the things he does when he is hurt is tries to hurt me.



Yet again you state below you were willing to also pretend everything was alright because you knew he was struggling yet didn't do everything in your power to make it safe for him to open up to you.

Please quit saying that I was pretending that everything was alright. And that I am a cruel heartless B**** that has not been following MB and trying to be open and honest with my H. I actually listen to Dr. H almost every day on the radio. Did you miss the part in this post in which I honestly say I am feeling like LBing and I didn't want to do it to my H so I came here? By the way, isn't Lbing directly bashing someone and assuming you know exactly what they are doing? Just wandering why I can be called an LBer for my words but your Lbing words are A Okay. I am sure there will be some justification for that one.



Wow ... Your Exhausted!!! This man continuously gets the [censored] knocked out of him by seeing your Other Man, yet you are the exhausted one? I can see why he would want to leave ... it's exhausting for him to continuously be reminded of this wound and his wife, who did this to him, has zero empathy for his pain.


Yes, and I have seen his OW twice now and felt like my guts were ripped out, but I guess that doesn't count. The little things I have overlooked have been his own Lbing behavior. I have never and will never have zero empathy for his pain. Again, I did not say these things to his face. I was hurt and was talking out of my own pain, whether it was selfish or not. I came here to vent and be honest about how I was feeling. Because of this, I have been turned into a monster that has not protected her H an ANY way according to most of you. I realize that we should have moved and I have to reevaluate some of my actions. By God, is there no room for mistakes and learning? You people eat anyone who is not doing exactly what YOU want alive.



Again I am appalled by your audacity to just expect this man to get over it. He just saw your OM ... the man that destroyed his life ... yet you are telling us he is choosing to be miserable?
Three times I have openly admitted that the thoughts I posted were selfish. Yet you still choose to bash me for them. This is the last time I will ever come here and be honest with any of you. I am not walking away from MB because I have read and reread Dr. H's books and listen to him often. I have just started to feel that this has become a bashing board for some of you. A board to be ashamed, appalled, and literally Lovebust people. Have I been given some wonderful advice on here, yes and I will be ever thankful. This post however has really upset me and not because you have opened my eyes to my reality, because you have assumed mine.


You didn't see this coming? Really ... can you see in your posts how your dishonesty and lack of care is extremely painful for your husband? What are you going to do to clean up your side of the fence? Like everyone else is suggesting ... you should move. I also highly recommend you read Lovebusters. It will help you clean up your side of the fence while trying to help your husband heal from his trauma. Have you considered he may have Post Traumatic Stress here? I feel awful for him.

My lack of care and dishonesty, wow! I just don't feel like responding to this. I have read lovebusters and am well aware of the many different ways in which someone can bust up another love. I know my fence still needs cleaning and always will. I have tried endlessly to talk to him, encourage him to get on meds, to talk about his feelings etc... All of these things however were not mentioned on here. All of these thing are moments in time shared by us that none of you could ever capture and understand.

Sorry for being honest with the people I thought I could be. Sorry for not being perfect and continuing to make mistakes. I realize some of them may have destroyed my marriage but I will just have to try harder and keep cleaning.

how do you think he felt when you laid this responsibility at his feet?

honey, do you mind if our daughter hangs out two houses away from OM? she really, really loves her friend and the other mom can do all the driving so we never have to see him!

really?

that would be a love buster of epic proportion if it happened to me. you would rather NOT upset the apple cart than do whatever it takes to make him safe.

I'm sorry,shouldn't my H get some kind if say in whether is not this friend is a trigger? If he says that she is not a trigger at all as long as we don't have to go to the neighborhood then should I tell him that he is wrong and even though we have talked about it openly?

That's what I mean by black and white. No matter how detailed someone is on here, no one on this board can see the entire picture, the gray areas.