I took to heart all of the advice that I have gotten on here and brought it with me to the table last night at dinner...no pun intended.

NG, I looked nice, dressed up, tried to keep the conversation light and enjoy the evening. It actually was nice because it broke the ice between us that had been settling all week. We sat outside and the weather was beautiful. Even though we did not talk about anything too deep, I felt the dinner went well and made both of us a little more at ease.

We actually didn't really talk until this morning. It is so hard for both of us to really have true conversations. I think it is one of the biggest flaws in our marriage. It literally took me twenty minutes of laying in bed to finally start it.

Sorry I am rambling but you guys are my sounding board so I need to get all of this out. I told him that I was sorry that I have not helped him feel safe and have allowed us to continue to live in an area full of triggers. That it took him being hit by the biggest one of all to open up both of our eyes to the danger around us.

I told him that no matter what happened between us that I was going to get the ball rolling on moving away; whether it be a town or two over or a state or two over (we have both mentioned living in Colorado).

I told him that one of the reasons I felt we are back to square one, other than not moving was the fact that we really don't communicate with each other. Dr. Harley has explained that "communication issues" are what most marriage counselors focus on, but in his experience, they are rarely the underlying cause of serious marital problems.(I'm referring to general communication as opposed to meeting each other's emotional needs for openness/honesty and intimate conversation.)


[color:#3366FF]Yes JC, this is what I am talking about. One of my big EN's is conversation and talking honestly.[/color]
I suggested that part of our UA time being at least once a week really talking to each other about our concerns, triggers, not feeling safe, or anything that was really bothering us that week. I could be completely off base here, but my gut feeling is that scheduling weekly time to discuss everything that's wrong in the relationship would be a huge lovebuster. It seems to me that your biggest marital problem is that your husband is not in love with you anymore, so you need to be making massive lovebank deposits and avoiding those sort of lovebusters like the plague. [color:#000099]

[color:#3333FF]I believe I said we would be talking about concerns, honesty and triggers. Not once did I mention love busters. I believe it is considered honesty. I guess if we went at it in an accusation tone it might be love busting, but that is not the point.[/color] [/color][/col[/color]or]

Of course we do not have to wait and only do it once a week but I feel that if we don't set time aside it will not happen and we will revert back into our old ways (like we have this past year).

I told him that I am not 100% sure how he feels right now but I just feel like if we really did work on opening up our communication and get out of this town that our marriage would have a fighting chance.

His response to me was that he really thinks he is done. You keep complaining that he doesn't share his feelings with you, yet your posts are full of information regarding the feelings he has been sharing with you. It seems like you accuse him of being unclear when you don't want to accept what he is saying. [color:#000099]


[color:#000099]He is very unclear because most of the time when we talk he tells me and acts like things are fine. When I do express his feelings on this site it is only after something major has happened.[/color][/color][/color]

That he does not feel that he can or will ever love me the way that he did in the past. Ironically, 20 Years, he brought up our past. It was weird that he did this at this time because what you said about the past being in the past really stuck with me and we actually got a great discussion out of it.

So he mentioned the past and how happy we were and how much he loved me and that he just can't see that future for us. My response was that by going back into the past we will never have a solid future that neither of us our the same people but that does not mean that we can not have a future that is just as good if not better than the past.

In all honesty, I know he looks at our past in a pleasant light, but I do not see it as pleasantly as he does. While I did not go into these details with him I will go into just a few with you. He frequently lied to me about stupid little things, making me always question him and draining my trust every time he lied and I found out the truth. He lived a very independent life style, went out all of the time and left me at home with the kids. He was in at least three sports all at once year round. He was always Love busted me whenever he had too much to drink, did not treat me with respect in front of our friends. To be specific he was always fondling me and slapping my butt, saying vulgar things in front of others.

I did not mind this in the privacy of our own home but in front of others it made me feel cheap. I remember either reading in one of Dr. H's books (I think it was Lovebusters) or on the radio him saying that not all women enjoy or want this type of flattery. Again, at home I was fine with it but not in public. In addition, I really just wanted to be told I was beautiful rather than getting a love tap. If you know he will read this, and your intention is to win him back so he is in love with you again, why do you keep making disparaging remarks about him? From the beginning of your thread, your posts have been full of biting criticisms. Every time you do it, it makes me cringe. I can only imagine how it makes your BH feel. I don't sit there and criticize him to his face. I never have. In fact I have been very shut lipped about these things as I mentioned before. [color:#000099] He does not read on here anymore so I am not saying these thing to hurt him or justify anything that I have done. I am sorry they make you cringe but they are things that I have realized through MB that are not healthy in a marriage. I am honestly trying to give a bigger view of my marriage to people on here because I again feel that the more people hear the more they can understand and give advice. I am not trying to knock down my H. If he does see this then I hope it gives us an opportunity to be honest with each other but that is not my intention at all.[/color]

This behavior did improve as we got older but I honestly have never even to this day told him (That is rather disingenuous considering you just wrote it on a public forum that you know he will read!)[/color[color:#000099]]He actually knows I post on here and that I post both of our thoughts. He does not read on here often but again, I am not trying to hide anything. the affects of this and the resentment I held for so long. I wish I would have been honest It seems to me that your failure to be honest with each other is what you are referring to as a "communication failure." [color:#000099]Exactly!![/color]instead of choosing an Affair but again, I can no longer linger in the past. I have to look at the future and can't linger in the past, only learn from the mistakes of the past. And that is exactly what I told him today. (Please do not read this the wrong way. I did not in any way excuse my affair, tell him to get over it, dismiss it, or make it seem like it is not still affecting and going to affect our future. I chose my words very carefully and just asked him not to compare our past with our future).

I once again told him that leaving is not going to take away the pain and that the most important thing to me was him and our family. I really feel that moving away is a much better solution than running away. I again reiterated that while we got off to a strong MB start last year that we really didn't continue it and that is why we are back in the same boat today.

He asked me how I knew that he would not be happier if he left? That maybe we are both holding onto something that is too damaged to repair. My response was that I just knew, that by truly following MB and by leaving the area full of triggers that we could rebuild our marriage.

I also have this question in my mind. Deep in my heart I feel that we could have an amazing marriage. That we have both made our mistakes and are learning from them and can make our future awesome. I little part of me though can't help but feel that I am forcing him to stay with me and that he is going to end up hating me and resenting me for making him stay. That he will never be able to forgive me and love me the same way.

One last thing. When he got into the shower today I went and snooped in his car. Again, I am almost positive there is no one else but the MB way says trust but verify. While I did not find anything suspicious I did find a letter that we wrote last year on 8/22/12. It was so weird because when I first started reading it, I thought it was from this year (it could have been, the thoughts and words were very similar to the ones he is saying right now). As I continued to read, I realized it was a letter that he wrote last year and read to me at the beginning of September last year.

I might actually ask him if I can put it on here. Why would you ask him if you could publicly post his most private thoughts? Where is your instinct to protect him? How am I not protecting him by posting his thoughts? Again, I am not keeping this site a secret from him and he knows I post both of our thoughts on him. I would however ask if I actually him. How is posting his thoughts on MB not protecting him? If anything it is helping him by allowing others in the same predicament to comment on it.It just basically talked about his fears at letting me back in and how he didn't see how we could work out with OM living close by (wish we both would have jumped on that one). That he didn't know if he could love me the same way. That he was worried that I was just sticking with him until someone better came along. That he had my phone #, email, etc... and I still was able to carry out an affair. That when I really want to be sneaky I can be.

While these were his fears last year, I feel like a lot of them are still there today and that is why he is ready to quit. I have tried to do a lot on my part to ease some of these fears but I do realize that it is not enough. Until we move, it will never be enough.

Sorry I wrote a book. Thank you for reading/listening.

I have tried to do a lot on my part to ease some of these fears but I do realize that it is not enough. Until we move, it will never be enough.

I told him that one of the reasons I felt we are back to square one, other than not moving was the fact that we really don't communicate with each other.