If you're going to continue to keep her texts maybe you should forward them to her boyfriend.

I don't want to be involved in that. And I won't be keeping them. I'll just be deleting them. I've got enough information to know how she is. I can look back and understand. I don't want anything to do with the girl, because she has the upper hand emotionally...

Grs

Well, I found out tonight why I received all those text messages. A friend of mine (and a FB friend of D's) posted about her BF cheating on her with girls. I guess his whole plan was to eventually let this girl go so he could have other girls. D decided to jump in the action and try to point me out. These are all my friends and they joined in backing me up, explaining the situation and calling out D for her immaturity. Hence the reason I got the texts from her. She was trying to play the victim, but I have been honest to everyone and am still suffering from extreme guilt. They know, and they backed me up. So I doubt I'll hear from her again.

I still feel sad that this kind of stuff has to happen. I blocked her on FB, so I didn't know what went down. Even after she tried to destroy me again, I can't hate her. What is wrong with me?

Grs

Nothing. It is natural to love someone who made lovebank deposits. Their morality/character doesn't make a bit of a difference in that process.

You can't 'decide' to not love them any more than you can decide not to be drunk after drinking a bottle of alcohol.

That's why we should only let people of good character make lovebank deposits - and starve the love from bad characters with withdrawal.

Yeah, very true IG. Hearing about what she did on FB yesterday put me back a few steps. It's almost like starting over again. I'm in incredible amounts of pain right now. Anxiety, sweats, majorly low self esteem, all that.

Today I'm going to be telling all my friends that we can't talk about Diana anymore. Regardless of what they hear about her or whatever, I don't what to know about it.

The good thing is, the only reason she texted me was because she got destroyed on that FB message. I wouldn't have heard from her otherwise. So I can truly go dark (already was for her, but she wasn't for me as of last night) and try to get over all this. I really get annoyed over these emotions, it sucks.

I really freaked out last night when I got home, and I feel awful because my sister took the brunt of it. I was totally playing the victim. And being really difficult about it. I'm very embarrassed about my actions, and wish I could control myself better sometimes.

I'm so sad that this is still going on, and I can't wait till I feel normal one day. I'm actually a little scared that I'll always want D, even when I'm with someone else. Like I'll consider her the one that got away, but honestly I'd rather to see her like she really is.

Grs

Sorry for your pain. Glad you are finally going dark from her.

I remember thinking this after kicking out my husband of 10yrs after a mainly happy marriage pre-infidelity. Feeling scared I would always love him. Hoping he would change so I wouldn't have to face the future alone.

Nope. Its only been two years and I have quite simply forgotten how I felt. Love only feels strong while it's alive.

Love will not stay alive when starved.

I'm starving it as best I can. But my brain really doesn't want to let go. I'm hoping some day soon I'll be able to see past her, but right now I can't. There were actually a lot of times during the relationship where I wasn't feeling as strongly for her as I did at the end, and I wish I could even get back to there.

I also think that I'm afraid I won't find anyone I cared about as much as her. That I think I'll end up alone for a long time going through life like a zombie. Wasting the final good years of my life as a single guy and dry up.

Grs

Everyone feels like that when you are grieving. Your brain is tricking you into remembering only the good parts. Just keep telling yourself that the loneliest place in the world is to be trapped in a bad relationship.

It's funny, I really wanted this relationship though. It was beautiful when we were together. I miss her a ton. She had my back so well, and built me up so well. I can't believe I jacked it up. Makes me so sad, specially considering I don't meet girls out here.

What have you done today that is fun?

Gone out and watched college football. But I'm kind of miserable. I can't believe I lost out to a really old and ugly pilot. Makes me feel like a real loser.

Grs

Sounds good.

What fun plans do you have for tommorow and next week?

Today nothing. Just house cleaning and laundry. Going to cook all my chicken breasts and all.

Been feeling really down past couple of days.

What exercise regimen do you have?

I go to the gym at 7am and run 2-3 miles at night once it's below 90 degrees. I lift mornings.

I also do around 200 leg extension crunches at home whenever I'm watching TV.

Grs

Good. Did you ever get into your doctor for some ADS?

I prescribe a really funny, silly movie. Get a stack of them, actually. You do so much exercise I am sure you can also afford a few snacks. The exercise is very good. Great way to start your day.

Make a list of favourite things or things you can do as self care. Share it here if you like.

I ended up going out and watching football with some friends yesterday. It was pretty fun.

I also started on Paxil, which I took when I was around 22-23 (35 now). It's doing what I remember it doing, numbing me a bit. I don't have the major anxiety right in my face, but I still feel it there. And I know I'm in big trouble if I ever get into a physical relationship. But right now that's the LEAST of my worries. I am glad the normally overwhelming feelings of anxiety are numbed a bit. I still feel it there, but it's not keeping me from actually doing things.

But I still really feel like I miss her. And only her. I met a really pretty and nice girl yesterday (she probably isn't available anyway) but I can't even bring myself to want to be with anyone else. I wish that feeling would leave, but it's not. I think about her a lot, and think that she is the only person who can make me happy, even physically. It's weird. And frustrating...

Grs

Actually, today has been really tough. I'm just thinking about her all the time. I can't seem to get angry, I can't seem to feel mad, I can't do anything but see her smiling at me. Telling me how much she loves me. How I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and how happy she was.

I miss her greatly. I wish she was who I thought she was.

Grs