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Hey all-

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, no kids (just furry ones). I think we've grown too far apart to be happy together, and I made a major mistake recently by getting involved emotionally with another guy. We got together in person (he lives a few hours away) and I didn't intend it to happen, but we kissed. Ok, we kissed a lot. Husband figured out something was up within a few days and I confessed everything. He also started making some changes that made me realize he was willing to work on things, and I felt like I owed it to him to see if we can work through this. Cut off all communication with the other guy.

Here's the backstory. I was a completely different person when we met - insecure, overworked, overweight, smoker, drank too much, in an abusive work situation. He was a bit miserable himself. Fast forward, I am strong, healthy - some would say a bit obsessive but I have a passion for exercise and health - in a good career that I love, and working toward a career in training/ coaching with a goal of owning my own business someday. I live a big, passionate life. I run marathons and longer, and completed an Ironman last year. I'm the happiest I've been ever.

My husband, however, has stayed mildly depressed. He is passionate about his job but nothing else, he shows a very limited range of emotions and he rarely wanted to do anything active with me. For a whole I've felt that he was bringing me down. I tried talking to him about it but to no avail. He is finally in counseling and going to the gym, but I'm having a hard time trusting that he's not just doing it to make me happy rather than finding his passion. He said he'd be miserable without me. I don't want to be the sole determinant of his happiness.

I feel very little emotional attraction to him, although we get along pretty well and care about each other.

There have been other things - he always told me I was gone too much, working out too much, but never defined too much and when I tried to stay home, mostly he just wanted to mindlessly stare at the tv together. Not my thing. I do get involved in his interests, he just doesn't have many. He's been a negative person in the past, although he is making an effort to change it. Basically, I kept trying to do things for him to make him happy, he never seemed happy, so I gave up and got absorbed in my own interests and felt much better. Right or wrong, that's how I set myself up to be distant enough from him that I fell for someone else.

The other guy? As you might guess, I met him at an ultra marathon. He is equally passionate about health, pushing limits and life in general. It wasn't a physical attraction - he's a handsome dude but I didn't even notice until I spent time talking to him and began to admire his spirit and dedication and positive outlook. When we got together again, a month after we met, we talked for hours and saw eye to eye on everything. The kiss was icing on the cake.

I don't harbor delusions that I'd be happy ever after with the other guy, but I feel like I could live this mediocre, "ok" life with nobody to really share my passions and emotions, or take a chance that I could be with someone who inspires me...if not this other guy, someone else. I really feel like I need to take that chance. I really don't even mind losing my house and financial comfort. The things keeping me here are the devastation it would cause my husband (I do still love him) and honestly, he'd take the dog and I'd miss my dog.

He and I are in counseling, separately and together. Three different therapists.

That was complete, 100% honesty. Any thoughts??

~k~

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
The kiss was icing on the cake.

...

The things keeping me here are the devastation it would cause my husband (I do still love him) and honestly, he'd take the dog and I'd miss my dog.

~k~


Hang on, just one second... where is it.... Oh! Here it is!

puke

My dear, I have been in your shoes. I hope you one day reach the point where the words I quoted above make you want to vomit with disgust as well.

You are in a great place to try and repair the damage you have done. Make no mistake, your actions have been extraordinarily damaging - to your husband, (i.e., the innocent victim), to yourself (whom you have also betrayed by your actions and breaking of your vows), to your friends and family, and to any wife or significant other of the OM (Other Man = your affair partner).

The good news is your husband seems willing to save this relationship with you, and intent on improving your marriage. Why should he not want to make you happy? He is demonstrating to you his commitment to you, your happiness, and the marriage - in the face of the greatest betrayal of his life! That is astounding, and he should be commended.

Others will be along to help you with the details. Briefly, you must:

1) Read the basic concepts on this site.

2a) Write a No Contact letter, give it to your husband for his approval and HIS sending of the NC letter. There are samples available on this site.

2b) Understand and adhere to NC - this means not just phone/email/physical meeting, but thoughts, photos, mementos, tokens, shared songs, whatever makes you think of your tawdry dalliance with a man who is not your husband. If you have anything from the race where you met the OM, that absolutely has to go. Ditto for any other items that bring up thoughts of the OM or the affair.

3) Full disclosure for your husband. Be compassionately honest. Whatever you do, do NOT hold back any details here, no matter how inconsequential you think they might be. Do not try to "protect your husband's feelings" - you further insult him by judging what he can and cannot handle so disrespectfully. If you withhold truth now, any recovery you achieve will be nullified when your husband finds out - and, believe me, he will find out - the real truth(s) later on. A great idea is to schedule a polygraph for yourself with a polygrapher your husband is satisfied with and questions your husband has composed.

4) Write a list of Extraordinary Precautions (EPs). You have been married for so few years, and yet you already strayed. These are typically happy, "easier" years in a marriage. Your EPs will have to be thoughtful, reflective, and ironclad. Identify what Emotional Needs the OM met and write up any number of scenarios regarding how you will protect your ENs from being met by anyone other than your husband.

This should be enough to get you started. Dr. Harley's program is simple, and you have the best chance of recovering after this. (I realize your post was not necessarily asking about how to recover, but I am chalking 99.9% of your post up to the foggy babblings of a wayward spouse. It's okay. All of us waywards have been there. What matters now is where you go from here.) Read, read, read, and keep posting.

Will your betrayed husband post here? He would likely benefit immensely.


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Hi Vanilla,

I hope you are doing well.


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Rungirl, welcome to MarriageBuilders.

There's a lot I could focus on, but I have to get to work. Please excuse any typos.

You seem to see some things clearly.

You seem to be in a complete fog about some other things.

By the way, I was the one who had the affair. I am going to be whispering to you here, so that you'll hear me.


Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
...I didn't intend it to happen, but we kissed. Ok, we kissed a lot.
Rule #1. Quit b.s.'ing yourself. (You can't b.s. me, because I was in an affair & out the other side.) Maybe you didn't intend a kiss at first, but along the way, you intended not to rule it out. And at some point, you certainly intended it. "100% honesty" means 0% fudging, 0% weasel-words, and 0% b.s. And if you're not 100% honest with yourself, there'll be no helping you or your marriage.

Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
... Fast forward, I am strong, healthy - some would say a bit obsessive but I have a passion for exercise and health - in a good career that I love, and working toward a career in training/ coaching with a goal of owning my own business someday. I live a big, passionate life. I run marathons and longer, and completed an Ironman last year. I'm the happiest I've been ever.
None of this is an excuse for infidelity. It is not even a mitigating factor. It's a misdirection. My affair partner once told me that people like she & I had "big hearts", in a context that meant to suggest that we were so full of love that we could almost hardly help but loveother people besides our spouses. At the time, I was so fogged-out that I let it pass without comment. But oh, what a crock that was! Yeah, I had a "big heart" alright -- so big that it had no room for her husband's feelings, and no room for my wife's feelings. It wasn't "big", rungirl, it was selfish. Instead of "I live a big, passionate life", try "I did what I wanted to do and chose not to give a rat's buttcheek about others until I got found out." Stop with the "I live a big life" self-deception. Try substituting "self-centered" for "big", and the sentence will be a lot more precise. Healing starts with complete, 100% self-honesty.

Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
...My husband, however, has stayed mildly depressed. He is passionate about his job but nothing else, he shows a very limited range of emotions and he rarely wanted to do anything active with me. For a whole I've felt that he was bringing me down. I tried talking to him about it but to no avail. He is finally in counseling and going to the gym, but I'm having a hard time trusting that he's not just doing it to make me happy rather than finding his passion. He said he'd be miserable without me. I don't want to be the sole determinant of his happiness.

I feel very little emotional attraction to him, although we get along pretty well and care about each other. ...

You can have marriage that's better than it has been before. No one is saying that you can have a better marriage solely through your won efforts, or that he won't need to do more to meet your emotional needs. I would suggest that you both get the book "Surviving An Affair" and read it together, a chapter at a time, and make note of your questions & thoughts, and set aside time to discuss them calmy. It wont be easy, but it may do you & your husband some good.
Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
...he never seemed happy, so I gave up and got absorbed in my own interests and felt much better. Right or wrong, that's how I set myself up to be distant enough from him that I fell for someone else. ...
You have perceived correctly how this estrangement happens, and how we can allow ourselves to divide our loyalties. Kudos fro realizing this. You have more to realize, but it's a start.

Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
...The other guy? As you might guess, I met him at an ultra marathon. He is equally passionate about health, pushing limits and life in general. It wasn't a physical attraction - he's a handsome dude but I didn't even notice until I spent time talking to him and began to admire his spirit and dedication and positive outlook. When we got together again, a month after we met, we talked for hours and saw eye to eye on everything. ...
And the Titanic was a great boat, except for that giant, gaping hole along the starboard side... This "great" guy is so great that he's willing to mess with another man's wife... basically, 100% willing to screw over a complete stranger (your husband) who's never done him any wrong. Does your "eye-to-eye" include that? Does your eye not see the giant, gaping charcter void inherent in a guy like that? (I'm still whispering to you here, so listen up): Does your eye or your brain think for even a minute that being able to run for 2 or 3 hours without stopping is indicative of any strength of character at all, in a guy who's willing to screw over the marriage of a complete stranger? (By the way, those aren't mere rhetorical questions, runnergirl. Your answers to them will determine whether anything else we say to you will be worth our time or yours.) What do you say?

Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
...The kiss was icing on the cake. ...
No, the kiss was barf on the turd.

Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
...The things keeping me here are the devastation it would cause my husband (I do still love him) and honestly, he'd take the dog and I'd miss my dog. ...
Do you love him enough to give him the dog? Again, that's not a rhetorical question. What's your complete, 100% honest answer?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun

I feel very little emotional attraction to him, although we get along pretty well and care about each other.


Hi rungirl, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am not surprised that you feel very little attraction to him anymore. Would you like your house very much if you let it fall into disrepair and the weeds were a foot high in the front yard and the paint was peeling? It is the same with a marriage. When you neglect your marriage pretty soon it looks so shabby that just about any turd that comes along looks good. That is what happened here when you met the OM.

You set the stage by finding recreational activities outside of your marriage and left your husband behind.

You and your husband could have the same passion and romance that you had with the OM if you treated your marriage in the same way. Creating a marriage of interdependence where all of your leisure activities were spent together would be a good first step.

Quote:

He and I are in counseling, separately and together. Three different therapists.


Is there a reason why you are going to all these counselors? Do any of them have any idea how to save a marriage? Do any of them have a plan to restore the passion to your marriage? What is the plan?

And will your husband come here to speak to us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
The other guy? As you might guess, I met him at an ultra marathon. He is equally passionate about health, pushing limits and life in general. It wasn't a physical attraction - he's a handsome dude but I didn't even notice until I spent time talking to him and began to admire his spirit and dedication and positive outlook. When we got together again, a month after we met, we talked for hours and saw eye to eye on everything. The kiss was icing on the cake.


A man who comes onto a married woman has spit in her face. sick That is the highest insult a man can give a woman. I am sorry you allowed yourself to be degraded so badly. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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To respond to some of the points that have been brought up:

Re: the OM. He's in the middle of a divorce himself. I deleted his number and blocked him on Facebook, but I do think of him all the time. I don't need specific triggers, he's just there if I'm not constantly distracting myself. Heck, I dream about him - nothing sexual. Last night I dreamed he refused to speak to me and I was devastated. The night before he was playing trombone in my bathroom. Random stuff. I did not send him a letter but had a text conversation where I cut off contact while H watched.

I disclosed everything to H. I put it all in a 7000 word essay and left out no details of all my thoughts and actions.

OK, correct. I did not rule out kissing him. I did not rule out anything when I went to see him. I didn't really think it would happen, but I certainly went in open to it.

I have been selfish lately, I'll admit it. I feel stuck, though. My husband doesn't want me to train so much, but struggles to want to do much else with me besides watching to. Until lately anyway, but I'm not sure things won't go back to the way they were. Then he days he supports what I do. I struggle to picture us happier, what that would even look like. I go back to when we were dating, but again, i was a totally different person then - one who required antidepressants to function. I don't want to go back to that person.

The OM...he does have flaws. I cut him some slack as far as what happened, and maybe I'm wrong for doing so, but I told him I wasn't happy being married. I threw in little reminders into conversation. I pretty much gave him the green light. In the moment, we were both being selfish and decided that as long as we didn't have sex, we weren't hurting anyone. After the fact, we understood that what we did was hurtful and felt awful about it. Basically, I take the blame. He actually shut down the EA talk early on and from then on, we were friendly, until well into our second in-person meeting. I thought he didn't have feelings for me. Everything that happened was him following my lead. It was still wrong of him, sure, but I can't assign as much blame to him as I do to me.

As for being able to run for 2-3 hours, most people wish they could run a marathon that fast. wink I get what you're saying though, you're right, endurance athletes are a tenacious bunch but that doesn't mean they're all wonderful people.

I do love my husband enough to give him the dog. That's why I brought it up. He'd want the dog and it wouldn't be fair to fight him for it. But I struggle with the idea of leaving my dog more than the idea of leaving my husband.

And my husband is a wonderful, forgiving person. I have to give him that. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be half as amazing as he has been in all this. He told me he'd die for me. Would anyone else on earth do that? My parents would, but anyone else, I doubt it.

However, he deserves to be happy, too. He deserves a wife who wants to be with him. I'm struggling with WHY to stay besides the fact that we vowed to do so. But otherwise, I still wrestle with the thought that we're fundamentally different and won't ever be able to understand each other. I've read the emotional needs and I see where we've both had some unmet ones, but there are some that aren't on the list. I need to share my passion with someone who gets it. I need a spouse who is happy, positive and passionate himself. I need motivation and inspiration. I'm tired of being happy for two - something my therapist said, something my husband acknowledges.

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Re: counseling. I've been seeing a therapist to help me sort out my head after I realized I was unhappy in my marriage. My husband is seeing one to sort through his own depression. We just started seeing one together for us; I'm not sure what her angle is.

I would love to find more leisure activities with him but historically this has been a struggle. He needs a lot more down time than I do; I'm an extrovert with a lot of nervous energy who can't sit still for long. When i tried to cut back, i was very depressed. He does run and work out with me sometimes, moreso now, but we have very different goals with it. For me, it's more than a hobby - it keeps me sane. Literally. Not to mention making a career out of exercise/wellness.

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
Re: counseling. I've been seeing a therapist to help me sort out my head after I realized I was unhappy in my marriage. My husband is seeing one to sort through his own depression. We just started seeing one together for us; I'm not sure what her angle is.


More on this later, but I would suggest it is a distraction to see a counselor to "sort out your head" at a time when your marriage is crumbling. WE know why you were unhappy: your marriage was neglected and something better came along. I would not expect a marriage counselor to know how to save a marriage. They are typically destructive to marriages and have a higher divorce rate than the general population. I would ask your marriage counselor if she has proven plan to restore the love to your marriage.

Quote:
I would love to find more leisure activities with him but historically this has been a struggle. He needs a lot more down time than I do; I'm an extrovert with a lot of nervous energy who can't sit still for long. When i tried to cut back, i was very depressed. He does run and work out with me sometimes, moreso now, but we have very different goals with it. For me, it's more than a hobby - it keeps me sane. Literally. Not to mention making a career out of exercise/wellness.


The solution is to find recreational activities that complement your marriage, not harm it. Yes, it is hard, but so is getting a divorce. So is devastating your spouse by having an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun

Re: the OM. He's in the middle of a divorce himself.



He is MARRIED. "Middle of divorce" means MARRIED.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Your therapist did not help you sort through things.
They let you vent your version of life and simply gave validity to your version.

Did they ever once challenge your version of your life? Ever once ask you to consider that you were wrong and making things worse?

Probably not. If they questioned you it was to have you further ruminate on your current thinking not to guide you to look at things from a better perspective and one that would help you get on the right track, one that would help you face and deal with problems you percieved in your life in a positive and marriage centered direction.

Your best chance of happiness lies with your husband.

He is married to you.
He supports you more than any other human on the planet.
You two could create a romantic, amazing life together if you followed the path that leads to that.
1. time spent together
2. meeting each others most important emotional needs
3.avoiding lovebusters
4.other marriage builder concepts and guidelines.




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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
I need a spouse who is happy, positive and passionate himself. I need motivation and inspiration. I'm tired of being happy for two - something my therapist said, something my husband acknowledges.




Well...I don't know if I have the depth of vocabulary to eloquently describe this concept - but I will try.

The goal of individual counseling (IC) vs marital counseling (MC) is to strengthen the individual fibers within ourselves/psyche. The goal is not to create, foster or reinforce connections with another individual. Thus - IC and MC are tools/resources with diametrically opposed goals. It's the reasons why concepts such as "being happy for two" seems so fitting in IC with the goal of reinforcing self, but really has not much of place in MC.

In fact - being happy for two isn't real. It's impossible to be happy for two. No human being on this planet has the capacity to be happy for two. We barely have the capacity to be happy for ourselves. But it doesn't mean that's not what your feeling. In reality what you are describing when you say "being happy for two" is verbalizing how you feel when you have to rebuff your husbands perceived/real negative emotional state and continue your day as though his mood doesn't affect yours. And if you are in his presence, you have to keep the facade of your happiness to rebuff his negative attitude. It's exhausting and self limiting (prevents you from expressing how you really feel).

The breakthrough is when you realize that Dr. Harley speaks about the policy of Radical honesty - which includes emotional honesty, historical honesty, current honesty, and future honesty. For now I will focus on emotional honesty. By being emotionally honest with your husband it frees you from having to keep a facade that you can be happy in the face of his negative mood. You also make him aware of your feelings/emotions with respect to your spouse's particular behavior. The feelings of being happy for two - are abated by your revealing to your spouse as much information about your emotions and feelings as possible. You are no longer self limited.

To quote Dr. Harley:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

Quote:
Most couples do the best they can to make each other happy, at least for a while. But their efforts, however sincere, are often misdirected. They aim at the wrong target. Ignorance, not lack of effort, is often the most important cause of their ultimate downfall.

Couples are not only ignorant of ways to improve their marriages; they are often ignorant of the problems themselves. To avoid conflict, they sometimes deliberately misinform each other as to their feelings, personal history, activities, and plans. This not only leads to a failure to meet an important emotional need, and a withdrawal of love units when the deception is discovered, it also makes marital conflicts impossible to resolve. After all, how can you and your spouse solve a problem if your cards are not on the table?


I strongly advise you buy a copy of Surviving an Affair. Read it together as a family. As husband and wife. Follow the steps closely. Be earnest and honest in your efforts and the love that you say is lost, and the feelings that you once had and now say are gone will slowly come back.

Last edited by everythingcracks; 09/11/13 08:16 AM.

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This is turning into a broken record. We need to find leisure activities together. This is a struggle for us. Well, we need to do it. How the heck do we figure out what we like to do together? I love to do a lot of things that he doesn't. He doesn't have a lot of interests or passions in general. He told me once that he is reluctant for me to get involved in things that he enjoys because he's afraid I'll surpass him in interest and ability. That happened with running, actually. And when he needs down time and I don't? We're not supposed to spend any leisure time apart, right?

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Everythingcracks, all very true. I'll put that book on the kindle today (we share the account).

And yes, I've tried to be positive and make him happy for a long time and when I got to the point where I realized I couldn't make him happy and I was draining myself, I set out to just make myself happy. I'm damn good at that but at the expense of feeling like I don't need him around anymore.

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Start with this

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html

Do it. Your husband does it. You compare and discuss.







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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
This is turning into a broken record. We need to find leisure activities together. This is a struggle for us. Well, we need to do it. How the heck do we figure out what we like to do together? I love to do a lot of things that he doesn't. He doesn't have a lot of interests or passions in general. He told me once that he is reluctant for me to get involved in things that he enjoys because he's afraid I'll surpass him in interest and ability. That happened with running, actually. And when he needs down time and I don't? We're not supposed to spend any leisure time apart, right?


Firstly - your affair should be the focal point of the conversation - "finding leisure activities together" is on the back end (in fact - having you and your husband sit down separately and write a list of activities and compare them after - then engaging in all those activities together is an easy fix)

What isn't so easy is getting your mind and your husband back on track. He is in a lot of pain. For me it took 3 months for me to hit rock bottom. I would wake up out of my sleep crying so uncontrollably that it woke my wife from her sleep. I'm sure your husband is trying to resolve his feelings.

During this period you should be equipping your tool belt with the tools you will need to deal with various situations you will encounter over the next few months.

I will urge you again to go to your nearest public library or buy the book Surviving an Affair. It will be your guide and will show you exactly why, when, and what you need to do.

EDIT - I saw that you will buy it on the kindle and share the account! Excellent!! I did the same thing with my wife!

Last edited by everythingcracks; 09/11/13 08:29 AM.

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You seem to be what Dr. Harley refers to as a "renter," and your husband seems to be a "buyer." Rather than holding out for win/win solutions to problems, you seem to believe that sacrifice is sometimes acceptable in a relationship. When your husband didn't respond to your sacrifices the way you wanted him to, you ran over him with self-centered, independent behavior. (It is as if you and your husband were in a 3-legged race, and instead of getting in sync with him so you could run together, you just started running full speed ahead and dragged him behind you.) Now you are trying to rationalize that behavior as the natural consequence of your having "evolved" into a better person, disrespectfully judging your husband as having an inferior capacity for personal growth. In order to restore the love you and your husband used to share, you need to spend time giving each other undivided attention and meeting each other's intimate, emotional needs. You can't do that if you choose to spend most of your free time away from him. Here's what Dr. Harley has to say about independent behavior:


Once you are married, almost everything you decide to do has either a positive or a negative impact on each other -- you are either depositing or withdrawing love units with every decision you make. So if your decisions are not made with each other's interests in mind, you will risk destroying the love you have for each other.

I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your schedule. If your Thursday night bowling, or visit to a friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, schedule something else Thursday night, visit someone else, and spend time doing something with your spouse. And whatever it is you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.

My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you make.

Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.

A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior, which limits your your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behavior interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior with Interdependent Behavior.


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I'm struggling the most with this one. I'm almost done with the book (this is what working from home looks like, ha) and I just got to the part where he says that if an activity doesn't interest your spouse, give it up, and don't develop skills in an activity your spouse doesn't enjoy.

He will run with me but he has no desire to do endurance sports or to run enough that we're at the same pace. I get it - most people aren't endurance athletes and to be fair, I think most people are endurance athletes because we're neurotic. (I'm a huge overachiever, perfectionist, and running replaced my lexapro.) But I am passionate about pushing myself to go further and faster and constantly be better. I can't bring him along for the ride. I have to give this up? the book emphasizes that both people have to be happy with the solution. I'll only resent him if I can't pursue some of my goals - most of which are either related to fitness or to my own fitness-related business.

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Originally Posted By: Rungirlrun
I'm struggling the most with this one. I'm almost done with the book (this is what working from home looks like, ha) and I just got to the part where he says that if an activity doesn't interest your spouse, give it up, and don't develop skills in an activity your spouse doesn't enjoy.

He will run with me but he has no desire to do endurance sports or to run enough that we're at the same pace. I get it - most people aren't endurance athletes and to be fair, I think most people are endurance athletes because we're neurotic. (I'm a huge overachiever, perfectionist, and running replaced my lexapro.) But I am passionate about pushing myself to go further and faster and constantly be better. I can't bring him along for the ride. I have to give this up? the book emphasizes that both people have to be happy with the solution. I'll only resent him if I can't pursue some of my goals - most of which are either related to fitness or to my own fitness-related business.


Take a look at this: Resentment Type A and B

What do you think?


Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur

DS(11)
DD(7)

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I'll only resent him if I can't pursue some of my goals - most of which are either related to fitness or to my own fitness-related business.

May I respectfully suggest that to a "buyer", that sentence would be:

I'll only resent my pursuit of fitness or my fitness-related business if I can't pursue my goal of having, maintaining, and nurturing my marriage.

Think about that.....

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