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So a question...there seem to be a lot of religious folks on here...what if you had to change your religion in order to keep your spouse? Would you convert to satanism for them? We all have our limits. If you read about POJA, then you would never have to do this. Now, if infidelity occurred with someone who is a memmber of your church or religious activity then you should absolutely give up that church or activity. There are many different churches where you can practice religion. Just as I had mentioned before, there are many different acitivities that your interests can be met. You werent into running a few years back and now it has become your entire life and more important that your marriage. Is it too hard to believe that you could not feel this passionately about a different recreational activity that you could partake in with your husband? It requires you giving it a shot and finding out not just dismissing the idea without ever trying it.
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Arrrrgh.
If I change who I am, I will end up divorced. If I don't change who I am, I will end up divorced. Who you are is not "running" or "marathons" or any "thing". WHo you are is passionate and driven. You can be passionate and driven about a lot of things. Find a "thing" that your husband also is passsionate and driven about. H has not asked me to quit running. He is happy that I run. It's all of ya'll who don't know me who think I shouldn't run. I think the hyperbole got a little out of hand. He should have and the only reason he hasn't is because he doesn't understand the danger it is to your marriage and him. My point was, at some point there are things that aren't fair to ask of another in a marriage. I do not believe in staying married at all costs, No one here has suggested that. I don't believe I'm having an affair or at risk of one every time I put my running shoes on. Your actions speak otherwise. Now I need to change my phone number? To what end? OM doesn't contact me. I mean I could, but that seems unnecessary and a huge hassle - 3 employers and lots of clients who have that number, to prevent contact that's not happening? Are you really so jaded that a small thing like changing your phone number to protect your marriage and husband is so terrible?
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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"I'd rather be lonely than untrue to myself. "
You should be alone since you do not have skills to sustain a relationship with anyone. Sure, you might get the occasional romp with some married man, as you did here, but you can't keep a man in a committed relationship.
Ask yourself who want relationship with a woman who puts her hobbies first, is unfaithful and who screws around with married men? Yuck..
That is a pretty shabby resume and that is the "true" you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'd rather be lonely than untrue to myself.
True, running is not the crux of who I am, but it represents things that are who I am - a person who strives to challenge herself, do the impossible, be healthy and strong, squeeze every drop out of life. The person I used to be was unsure, depressed, utterly unconfident and turned to unhealthy behaviors to self-medicate. Go back to being that person? Nooooo way. You said it yourself, running is not the issue. Feeling accomplished, confident, taking on a challenge is what is refreshing. There has to be a way or an activity you can do and include your spouse that meets these needs for you. Don't just dismiss it because you are trying to justify your current decisions, if it doesn't add up then there is probably a reason.
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I will not change who I am and my passion in life in order to stay with anyone. I would never in a million years expect that of anyone else either. I think some of y'all are ridiculous. Nobody should ever have to change the crux of who they are to make someone else happy; if they do, they are obviously married to the wrong person. Your identity and sense of self-worth are so fragile that you would lose it if you stopped running? Your favorite activity has actually become "the crux of who you are"? When you said that your hobby "literally" keeps you from going insane, I assumed you were exagerating. If your mental health is really that unstable, I'm afraid you are going to have a very difficult time saving your marriage. Regardless, I wish you and your husband all the best.
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I'd rather be lonely than untrue to myself. Then do the kind thing for your husband and divorce him. Unless you change your behavior, you are a danger to him.
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I would be willing to change my phone number if it were causing a problem. It's not. I don't even know where that idea came from.
I agree, I can find other physical outlets and H and I are talking about doing some workouts together. However, I have a higher need for activity than he does. We will need to work through that for sure. Like I said, I don't "sit" well. There's still a lot of time we need to figure out how to fill together.
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the fog is thick....
Your BH needs to post in order to gain some clarity on the situation that is facing the both of you.
and only because I'm a zealot...
but there are a host of reasons to give up high intensity endurance events and similair training modalities, primarily your long term health.
WW Are Fun
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I will not change who I am and my passion in life in order to stay with anyone. I would never in a million years expect that of anyone else either. I think some of y'all are ridiculous. Nobody should ever have to change the crux of who they are to make someone else happy; if they do, they are obviously married to the wrong person. Your identity and sense of self-worth are so fragile that you would lose it if you stopped running? Your favorite activity has actually become "the crux of who you are"? When you said that your hobby "literally" keeps you from going insane, I assumed you were exagerating. If your mental health is really that unstable, I'm afraid you are going to have a very difficult time saving your marriage. Regardless, I wish you and your husband all the best. I'm guessing you don't know many athletes.  regardless, I have depression and anxiety that are regulated through exercise. They're caused by a hormone imbalance.
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Your phone IS a problem and so is Facebook.
You're the one with the addiction here, so please don't tell us what the problems are.
We're telling you how to put down the crackpipe, Rungirlrun. It sounds like you really don't want to let it go.
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the fog is thick....
Your BH needs to post in order to gain some clarity on the situation that is facing the both of you.
and only because I'm a zealot...
but there are a host of reasons to give up high intensity endurance events and similair training modalities, primarily your long term health. "High intensity endurance" is an oxymoron. Probably beside the point. I can't make H post. I gave him the option but he's not much for online forums.
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Your phone IS a problem and so is Facebook.
You're the one with the addiction here, so please don't tell us what the problems are.
We're telling you how to put down the crackpipe, Rungirlrun. It sounds like you really don't want to let it go. Please explain how my phone is a problem. Rather, my phone number, as I don't have the option to get rid of my phone.
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Your phone IS a problem and so is Facebook.
You're the one with the addiction here, so please don't tell us what the problems are.
We're telling you how to put down the crackpipe, Rungirlrun. It sounds like you really don't want to let it go. Please explain how my phone is a problem. Rather, my phone number, as I don't have the option to get rid of my phone. It is not a problem. Just go ahead and end your marriage, because it will not work out under these circumstances. You will be saving yourself and your husband a lot of heartache rather than trying to recover in circumstances that aren't going to work.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I would be willing to change my phone number if it were causing a problem. It's not. I don't even know where that idea came from.
I agree, I can find other physical outlets and H and I are talking about doing some workouts together. However, I have a higher need for activity than he does. We will need to work through that for sure. Like I said, I don't "sit" well. There's still a lot of time we need to figure out how to fill together. RunGirl, Your latest responses have consisted of frankly ridiculous, illogical attempts to justify your bad behavior. Don't feel bad though. This is a normal reaction from wayward spouses. You are addicted to the affair just as you would be addicted to crack. A crack addict doesn't want to give it up and will do the craziest, most destructive things to keep it. I suggest you step back for a few hours or a day and really think about what we are telling you. We will be here when you return. You can break the addiction RunGirl. You can have a great marriage. We can show you how. Let us help please.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Please explain how my phone is a problem. Rather, my phone number, as I don't have the option to get rid of my phone. It is a problem because it is a condition that existed in the affair that needs to be changed in order to prevent the affair from rekindling. This affair proofing/NC 101. But the point really is if you can't be bothered to do something so simple, your M isn't going to make it. Selfishness, laziness and lack of extraordinary care is what got your marriage into the crisis that is in right now.. Continuation of the same behavior = no recovery.
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Your phone IS a problem and so is Facebook.
You're the one with the addiction here, so please don't tell us what the problems are.
We're telling you how to put down the crackpipe, Rungirlrun. It sounds like you really don't want to let it go. Please explain how my phone is a problem. Rather, my phone number, as I don't have the option to get rid of my phone. It is not a problem. Just go ahead and end your marriage, because it will not work out under these circumstances. You will be saving yourself and your husband a lot of heartache rather than trying to recover in circumstances that aren't going to work. Exactly!
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Actually, you guys are the ones throwing orders and judgments at me. At least dr whatshisname (can't access the book right now as it's on the same tablet that I'm using) is able to approach matters with some understanding and explanation as to why certain steps are important.
H and I did have a good conversation earlier and I was feeling better about things until I came back here. So maybe it is best that I leave for a while and try to muddle through with H.
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We're not telling you to do anything that he wouldn't tell you to do, Hon. Many of us have done these things ourselves, and saved our marriages. We've been there, and did what it takes.
If you're not willing to do what it takes, well then, there's not much we can do for you.
We'll be here when you're ready.
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"High intensity endurance" is an oxymoron. Certainly not in reference to hiit, regardless what you call it, endurance, medium intensity endurance, continuous endurance etc Probably beside the point. very much so
WW Are Fun
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H and I did have a good conversation earlier and I was feeling better about things until I came back here. The goal here is not to make you feel good about doing the wrong things. I'm glad to hear that you have Dr. Harley's book. That is the guide to the only successful plan I know of for how to recover a marriage after an affair. I encourage you to contact Dr. Harley directly on his radio show: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com What we do on this forum is help support people through the process of following Dr. Harley's proven plan.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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