I do thank everyone for the help and suggestions, I'm out of here now to implement what I can; for the record, most people need a chance to process befor being told what to do. A huge asset in H and I staying together is that he has never told me what to do; he's given me his thoughts and let me make my own decisions to prove whether I really want to stay with him.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Far from coddling. It's extremely difficult to:
1. buy a book
2. read it completely
3. understand the depths of it
4. Applying it
5. Accomplish all of this under 24 hours.

If this was the case - we would all be rocket scientists and doctors.

I love how you wrote that and then made numerous comments--which had no relevance whatsoever to the discussion--to impress (convince?) us that you are a doctor so we would be more likely to respect/defer to your opinions. Didn't you realize how transparent that was?

Everythingcracks, thank you for understanding. I was going to pm you but apparently that's not an option here - makes sense I suppose.

Yesterday I was working from home. So was H. We talked a lot. I read 80% of the book, was posting here and was fielding work calls due to a crisis situation. I was sobbing most of the day in between calls. I went to lunch wi H and wore my sunglasses the whole time. This is not a ploy for sympathy, I brought this on myself, but I believe some of you understand that there's a real human behind the screen so I apologize if I came across as a hot mess. In short, it's because I am. K? I'm trying to hold myself and my life together and work on a marriage that's been broken pretty much since we got married - there's a lot I haven't told. It's a tall order. Right now I'm putting in as much work as I can, one step at a time. Cutting off contact with OM was huge, and like Dr. Harley said, it's hundreds of decisions every day, not a one-time thing. The fact that I know his digits and don't call him is not flaunting everything, it's reiterating that no matter what I do, I could still contact him and I don't because I know how damaging it would be for everyone. This is a conscious decision on my part and one I'm not compromising on. It would kill H and therefore me. My A didn't reach the secretive stage and I'm not a liar. The reason I was found out so quickly is because I can't keep anything from H. Two days was all I could do and it was tearing me up.

My H isn't perfect but he loves me more than anyone, and I love him more than anyone too. The hell I've put us through isn't worth any contact, and feelings, any anything.

The judgments I was referring to are the ones that seem to know my motives, what goes on in my therapy sessions, whether I've read the book because I forgot the author's name (yesterday it was a miracle I remembered mine) etc. I know there are patterns to these things, but I'm one person. Everyone's mileage varies. Please listen to the stories before you make assumptions, and be familiar with the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy before you tell someone who they are and what they want. Even well-meaning tough love type of posts could be very triggering.

I do thank everyone for the help and suggestions, I'm out of here now to implement what I can; for the record, most people need a chance to process befor being told what to do. A huge asset in H and I staying together is that he has never told me what to do; he's given me his thoughts and let me make my own decisions to prove whether I really want to stay with him. I was the one who cut off contact with OM, who chose to give H access to my phone, accounts, etc. Feeling like I'm made to do something would've sent me running and made it an insincere gesture on my part. Many will disagree, i think even dr h, and that's fine. I readily admit that I have huge issues with rules and authority. I also don't believe that humans are one-size-fits-all creatures and approaches need to take individual strengths into consideration.

For the record, H and I went for a run yesterday. Running is literally keeping me from losing it entirely right now. Do not underestimate the mental state that people are in when posting here, even if they were the bad guy. I had half a mind to run straight off the bike path into traffic; luckily the exercise helped immensely. He's going out of town for business next week and I'm going with him. I still don't know for sure if we're going to make it; some of our long-term stuff seems insurmountable but I'm going to try like hell.

Again, thanks, I think I needed to be here but I also think I got what I needed to get. I still need to be functional in life as well and the constant posting here would prohibit that. If you havent picked up on it, im a bit of an obsessive sort and staying away from here would be tough.

I wish you all well, I really do.

I agree.

When I was a medical student my first procedure I performed alone was a port-cath removal - took me 45 minutes - skin to skin (which is about oh 39 minutes longer than the procedure should take by an expert). Each step had to be explained to me in real-time. The attending I was working said, don't make a move unless I fully understood what I had to do next, and if I don't, ask and he will explain it again. In my field they say you can teach a monkey to operate. If someone doesn't understand something - explain it again. It's simple and harms no one. Just because a 10-year old can understand it, like a monkey operating, doesn't make it simple.

Changing ones character is methodical and take times. Respect that.


There was no swooping.
You are the one who vocalized the word judge-mental (for the record)
Funny, but I'm a BS - but by nature of profession I have to be/remain objective - but carry on.
Never did tell her to leave, she suggested and I supported her decision - FYI it's called respecting ones autonomy (something physicians must do - if a patient want to sign out AMA and they have ST elevations in precordial leads - guess what I can't make them stay)

Never did try and confuse her - only reinforced the principles extolled by Dr. Harley's writings and research.

So what now?? So far you have insulted me by judging my opinions and labeling them as a WS when in fact i'm a BS and echoing the words/opinions of Dr. Harley who practices patience and understanding. You have then used your own lens to distort my words to fit your view point. Is there any end to the depths of your judgement?

Changing ones character is methodical and take times. Respect that.

Since you like analogy, try this on.

Someone calls 911 because there is a crisis. The operator on the phone takes the call and makes suggestions. I.E. stop the bleeding, go to a safe place, etc.

Does it really help to go into the why we need to stop the bleeding, or why do I need to get to a safe place?

No. Success does not hinge on why the instructions were given. Success hinges on following the instructions.

After the danger has passed, if the caller wants to learn more, they can. But in the crisis, actions are far more important than an in depth understanding.

Follow the directions, get on the right path, and then, when you've stopped the bleeding in your marriage, you can learn more about why and how to do it better, an so forth.

This is a marriage ER. We are not teaching folks how to be doctors, we are triaging the wounded and teaching them how to take care of their marriages.

A patient doesn't need the same understanding that the doctor has to follow the doctors recommendations.

most people need a chance to process befor being told what to do.

Everythingcracks -

Please respect this: Dr. Harley's program derives from behavioral therapy, not cognitive therapy. You keep insisting that her mindset must change before her actions can change, and everyone here is trying to make you understand that this program doesn't work that way.