The more I read and go through the MB web page, the more I realize that there are more issues than just the looking. It definitely has to with the lack of EN's being met. And not being met for a long time now.

Slick you stated the quote above, and after all of the other things I have asked recently, I would be afraid to really ask him that question, in fear of his honest answer. Because what if he answer was not that, then I would just be more devastated. I do understand what you are saying though, and if I felt that way then maybe this would not have been an issue at all.

I do feel that we need to get the books that have been suggested. As well as taking the Love Buster questionnaire.

I also emailed Dr. Harley, and was on the show yesterday for anyone who wants to listen to it. I am really glad that I took the advice to get in touch with them. I am also really glad for the advice we have receive on here as well. At this point I feel that things need to be implemented quick, because my Love Bank has been very, very low for a long time now, and with in the last few weeks has been in the red.

Skyrim, I understand your fear in knowing the truth. You�re insecurities will only be heightened by his answer. But in a M complete honesty is important. Just wanted to point that out.

In this situation I don�t think you need to ask him how you compare but rather ask him how you are doing in meeting his needs and eliminating the things that lower his lovebank for you. Maybe there are a few things he�s afraid to confess because he is concerned it will only add to your insecurities. That is something you two will have to work through. Radical Honesty.

In all honesty if a person is madly in love with their spouse there no longer are comparisons. That person is so fulfilled with their partner they are all they think about. You�re the #1 priority. You�re what consumes their thoughts. They put you and the M above their own personal selfish wishes � because they are content and happy. That brings out the Giver.

This is where you and Jeger need to get to. And yes it is obtainable � even if you both think it sounds hokey. It is possible and if you work at it you�ll get there.

Radical Honesty is not a license to be hurtful. All lovebusters need to be eliminated, so wrapping other LBs in RH is unacceptable. If her insecurities are being enhanced by his RH, I'd bet dollars to donuts that his RH is being used to hide a DJ or some other LB.

It's better to learn the truth so you can improve your approach than to be blindsided by the fact that your spouse is not happy with some of the things you do or don't do.

Believe me, the pain of being blind-sided may be far worse than hearing difficult to hear truths in time to correct them.

I havent had a chance to comment but knew i wanted to comment and would very much appreciate if you both would hear me. First off I just want to say I love the fact you both are involved because that means you really have success at hand. Keep working. Keep sharing. keep growing. A single snowball can create an avalanch. Take what you both have done and continue to let it build and grow. I am going to suggest something I actually sence something with the honesty thing that goes something like this. I think there is still a fear in it thats preventing the intimacy. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html go through those and when you get here in the final section in it then both of you seek to be radically honest to achieve intimacy again. This is the key section http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3620_state.html. Remember a marriage is two being one so any problem is both of your problems even if its all one persons fault so work together.

**edit**

I will admit that it is not easy, but yes we are both committed to giving it all we have.

I also realize that we have a lot to learn and that it seems that more questions come up daily. So here is a question I have right now. In regards to the Love Bank deposits and withdrawals, it seems to make perfect sense. However are there actions that make bigger deposits than others, and are there actions that make bigger withdrawals than others? I guess I am more concerned with the withdrawals more so than the deposits. Reason being is because with my bank being in the red for so long it seems that when there are some deposits there always seems to be a huge withdrawal.

For example we will have a good day then it seems that there will be either one huge bad day or two bad days in a row. So on the good day I feel the deposits and love but on the bad days it seems to get wiped out again.

Any suggestions or hints? Like my husband stated we are in the process of buying and waiting on some of the books to arrive. While doing so we are still reading the articles that everyone has suggested and trying to implement things best we can as we learn. So thanks again everyone.

In a marriage with love busters happening, Dr. Harley would strongly recommend that you both learn about the love busters first and work on eliminating every single one of them. Basic Concepts - Love Busters

Figure out which one of them is the biggest problem for each of you, using the love buster questionnaire, and work on those first, continuing down the list.

The largest love bank deposits come from the most intimate emotional needs being met, but they can all be wiped away in a few bad minutes of love busting. That's why it's important to stop the bleeding first.

You are exactly right and I can't remember, but didn't Dr Harley tell you guys to work on stopping the lovebusters FIRST? That is the usual first step for the reasons you gave above. You can download Lovebusters for kindle on amazon.com and can read it on your PC.

Another important thing is to be radically honest about what each of you is doing to make lovebank withdrawals. And your husband should not be talking about WHAT he finds "attractive" about other females. That is absolutely unnecessary and he shouldn't even be focusing on that in the first place. All of his attention should be on YOU.

I still believe that if you two do a better job of giving each other UNDIVIDED ATTENTION on your dates that it will make a huge improvement in your marriage. Have you been working on scheduling UA time? There is a worksheet in the questionnaire section that you can print out and use.

I agree with what Melody lane is saying. It has been my own experience (which backs up what Dr. Harley says) that a bout of lovebusting can drain our banks faster than an almost perfect need-meeting day can fill them

I cannot remember who recently put up the link for that UA worksheet but it is really good. We exceed 20 hours every week, but it is still a very very good organizational thing and having it in writing makes it even better.

Here is another good tool to use to see what problems you should focus on first.

Marital Probelm Analysis

You would work on those that either spouse scored with a 1 first and so on.

I am not sure of anything anymore. It seems like just when we are taking a step forward then we, me or he takes 15 backwards.

No we have not been working on the UA the way we should, and guess we should look a the work sheet.

I feel that the more we are learning about things and honesty, that the less I feel moving forward. I am finding out about things that I should have known 4 years ago, things that he does not necessarily lied about but overtly leaves out. I keep finding out about how he views things differently than I do and even thought he has not be unfaithful, to my knowledge there have been different events and things that happen that I would not have be ok with, but happened anyway and he either does not tell me at all and I find out later somehow, or he leave specific information out and then I find out later.

There are so many love busters I feel and he states that he understand but never makes any effort to implement anything. He says things then never follows through.

I could go on and list them but I am sure you guys don't want that, but how does a girl with a shattered heart and an empty Love bank that is ready to be closed forever continue to hold on to hope?

I would focus first on scheduling your UA time. During that time you should be as pleasant as possible in your conversation. Do not bring up mistakes of the past and don't grill him. The policy of radical honesty does not give you license to grill your husband or to hammer him with mistakes of the past. That has to stop.

Instead, focus on being as pleasant as possible while focusing on each other. And no lovebusters!!

Do you have the material for the policy of undivided attention?

The Policy of Undivided Attention

Undivided Attention worksheet

skyrim, please read through this article very carefully and start following these guidelines when you are together. The book HNHN covers this topic much better, but this will get you started.

Schedule your UA time and plan to follow the guidelines in this article: conversation

Skyrim,

It would be nice if you could just take a deep breath, realize you two are just recently learning a new way to handle your R and give this program some time to work.

Right now you guys are rookies and have to work through these conflicts so that you end up with enthusiastic decisions and care and protection of each other.

It doesn't happen overnight and the fact you are both here willing to make things right is wonderful. It's just hard for newbies to know how to get started without some proper guidance. We can only help so much. Please know there are some pay-for options here on MB that can make a world of difference.

In this latest post you talk an awful lot about what he has done in the past. Can we accept that the past is the past and that the future is going to be something totally different? That in the future he will be more timely with his honesty and will be far more open and honest. Once you have learned this program and learned how best to tackle the conflicts in your R and built a loving M you won�t care about the past anymore.

FYI the 15 steps backward are based on your attempts to right the ship not knowing exactly how to do it. Can you just accept that things are new and you are going to struggle for awhile?

I think the best option for a couple that are both willing to get on board with MB is to hire one of the MB counselors to help you through these difficult times. They�ll get you started and address the specific issues that make getting started so difficult. My W and I hired Dr Jennifer Chalmers and she was great. She spent a lot of time having private conversations with each of us giving us specific things to do, to work on, to clean up our sides of the street. All the while educating us on how to implement each of the necessary steps.

One thing I think will be very helpful for you is to do more than just tell your H what not to do when he�s LB�ing is to give him things you�d love to see him do instead. �I feel xxxx when you do xxxx. I�d love it if you could � instead.�.

MrAlias,
I really wish we could afford to hire one of the MB counselors, but at this time that is not a finical option.

Yes I did mention a lot from the past, but one of the reasons why is that for some reason it keeps coming back up in our lives. When is does there are always new information and details that where never shared the first time.

I feel so completely betrayed by all of this, and it is hard to even breathe. Just yesterday he received and private facebook message from a female that he so called met when he was at training this past summer for 2 weeks. Really, 2 weeks and you know someone. Not only that but apparently he and the other class mates which included this female where going out to dinner after classes. Now when talking to me I was lead to believe that when he was going out to eat it was lunch and it was with the guys. I am just now finding out that this female was always there as well. And now she is private messaging him just to say hey whats up, how's it going. I don't think or feel so, even though he swears he did nothing wrong and has never cheated on me (sexually).

However I feel that he has cheated on me emotionally and maybe multiple times. Why, because he has so many female friends and supposedly they have all searched him out and requested him. And he seems to have be happier spending time with them vs me.
Again, I feel so much pain right now and feel that I can never trust a word he says, not any more.

I am at a loss, I have always been a fighter an been able to find hope in our relationship, but I am not so sure anymore, I just hurt so bad that I have been physically sick to my stomach and not keep food down well, and have been having some chest discomfort on the right hand side.

Right now I really like I want to run a way and never come back. Leave a go to a place where no one knows me, or crawl under a rock and never come out.

skyrim, have you read Dr Harley's views on opposite sex friendships? Please read this.

And then go take a look at the thousands of affairs over on the Surviving an Affair forum. They all started with opposite sex friendships.

skyrim,

I get the impression you are in such pain because you feel you've been betrayed and that you continue to be betrayed. It makes total sense.

From your H�s perspective I get it. I, too, used to have friends all over and didn�t realize the harm in having female friends. �We�re just friends.�. I never saw having as many friends as possible being a bad thing. But having been here awhile I have heard the pitfalls of opposite sex friends over and over.

I suspect you�re feeling insecure, scared, abandoned, etc. But instead of running away from the M how about you work to fix it? All of your troubles are curable if you have a plan. What is your plan?

What we're all working towards here for you is an end to those feelings. That is best done by putting in place behaviors and protections that make the marriage grow. That bring the two of you closer together. You do this by protecting each other. Negotiating, meeting each other�s needs, eliminating LBs, affair proofing your M via extraordinary precautions, etc.

If you want to start putting an end to those horrible feelings I suggest you start here �
No opposite sex friends. Mr Skyrim (and yourself) need to end those immediately. You need to be accountable and transparent. That is the goal for you two. At least step 1.

So sit down and talk about how you�ll go about ending those types of relationships that cause you so much pain.

You both have a lot to learn. We�ll help you as much as we can.

Goodness - that's going to wreck your emotional health! Tell him you need the female friendships to END.

Skyrim,

I would caution against going in full guns blazing that he's having an affair and getting angry every time he answers your q estions. You have to create an environment where it is safe to be honest. If every time he is honest with you, you get angry and upset and withdrawn, the last thing he will want is to be honest.

Right now he's probably feeling defeated and he can't do anything right.

You two need boundary changes. If he went out to lunch with 'the guys' and a female was present, I doubt he was misleading you on purpose. Did you two have a rule that you cannot go out to eat if a member of the opposite sex is present? If you're not comfortable with it, tell him that from now on you'd prefer he not go to places where there is mixed genders.

If you don't want him having female friends on Facebook, tell himand you two sit down and unfriend them. I wouldn't accuse him of cheating on you because a female messaged him on Facebook. Just from my own personal experience, I've met people one time and they've friend requested me. Perhaps the two of you need to create a joint Facebook account.

This program is partially about affair proofing your marriage by implementing boundaries.