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Joined: Sep 2013
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OP
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I live with my boyfriend. He wants to buy a motorcycle and I'm against it for various reasons including safety and saving money. His family is completely against it as well as mine. He keeps asking me if he can buy one or what would happen if he went out and did it anyway? Basically he implied he doesn't care how mad I'll be as long as I don't break up with him. I don't want to break up with him but if he went out and bought it against my wishes I would be extremely angry. I am currently maintaining a savings account with my money so that we will have that for our future. He doesn't have a savings and often times runs out of money in between paychecks. He also wants to pay off his credit cards. He pretty much is in debt with a car payment, personal loan, and two credit cards.
What else am I supposed to do? I told him he's not buying a motorcycle and if he does I'd be angry but don't know what else to say to him. These purchasing decisions are supposed to be made in agreement. By the way, we do plan to get married in the future. I understand we are not married yet, but having been living together we're close to it.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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peach, I would rethink marrying this guy. If he's agreed that decisions are supposed to be made only when both of you are in agreement, and is now disregarding that, it doesn't sound like he does a good job of keeping agreements, and he is likely to make you miserable in the long term. Find someone who is willing to live by this advice: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.htmlYou might want to check out Dr. Harley's book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. By looking for a husband who will make decisions that you both agree on, you are looking for what Dr. Harley calls a Buyer. Your boyfriend is showing himself to be a Renter, and living in a Renter's relationship does not usually lead to a happy marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2009
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You should, at the very least, tell him that you are going to separate the money so that your money goes into a personal account and he is free to spend his own funds on whatever he wants.
Then, he either gets his financial life together or goes down without you funding it.
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Joined: Nov 2011
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I live with my boyfriend. He wants to buy a motorcycle and I'm against it for various reasons including safety and saving money. His family is completely against it as well as mine. He keeps asking me if he can buy one or what would happen if he went out and did it anyway? Basically he implied he doesn't care how mad I'll be as long as I don't break up with him. I don't want to break up with him but if he went out and bought it against my wishes I would be extremely angry. I am currently maintaining a savings account with my money so that we will have that for our future. He doesn't have a savings and often times runs out of money in between paychecks. He also wants to pay off his credit cards. He pretty much is in debt with a car payment, personal loan, and two credit cards.
What else am I supposed to do? I told him he's not buying a motorcycle and if he does I'd be angry but don't know what else to say to him. These purchasing decisions are supposed to be made in agreement. By the way, we do plan to get married in the future. I understand we are not married yet, but having been living together we're close to it. Your case is similar to a young woman that called into the Dave Ramsey show recently. His advice to the caller is the same advice that Dr Harley would probably advise you: Dont live together before marriage! In the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders Dr Willard Harley explains that in order for a marriage to be successful, couples must agree to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement - Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. However, couples that live together prior to marriage don't follow this rule because they really haven't made a final commitment to each other for life. I encourage you to read the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders to gain some perspective on your relationship
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Joined: Sep 2013
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**edit**
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 09/19/13 09:57 PM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
Learning to be a real person.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Bonsai, check out Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." You are a Renter, and you are giving Renters advice. Your relationship suffers because you are a Renter. Learn about becoming a Buyer.
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Joined: Sep 2013
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Perhaps i don't know all of the terminology or have read all of the things for sale on this site, but the overarching idea that Dr Hartley injects into every single post is how important it is to TRY and not to simply disregard the relationship. It is important for both partners to TRY and often one has to go first. This is something i'm learning myself and something I considered when giving my advice.
Hit a wall with reason? Change the tactic, the OP here is trying to be heard. buzzwords are not templates or suggestions for actual conversations.
the advice to give up can be found in any forum.
Learning to be a real person.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Marriages and Dating/living together arrangements are two different types of relationships and are advised differently.
If you and your boyfriend want to try, then I suggest you two become Buyers. You will not make it as Renters.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 165 |
The purpose of this forum is to help posters understand Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform for personal philosophies. Please abide by our TOS and familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting advice to others. Thank you
mbsurvivor11@gmail.com
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,457 Likes: 4
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Perhaps i don't know all of the terminology or have read all of the things for sale on this site, but the overarching idea that Dr Hartley injects into every single post is how important it is to TRY and not to simply disregard the relationship. It is important for both partners to TRY and often one has to go first. This is something i'm learning myself and something I considered when giving my advice.
Hit a wall with reason? Change the tactic, the OP here is trying to be heard. buzzwords are not templates or suggestions for actual conversations.
the advice to give up can be found in any forum. Please read. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Perhaps i don't know all of the terminology or have read all of the things for sale on this site, but the overarching idea that Dr Hartley injects into every single post is how important it is to TRY and not to simply disregard the relationship. It is important for both partners to TRY and often one has to go first. This is something i'm learning myself and something I considered when giving my advice.
Hit a wall with reason? Change the tactic, the OP here is trying to be heard. buzzwords are not templates or suggestions for actual conversations.
the advice to give up can be found in any forum. You are not in the position to give anyone relationship advice.
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