It's important to make sure that it's not just her comfort level that is the problem. Even if she were comfortable and enthusiastic with him having female friends, it would still be a bad idea for their marriage!

You are right that she should tell him she's not willing for him to have female friends any more, in any context, and that she's not willing for him to go to lunch any more with women present. For awhile, my wife wasn't willing for me to go to lunch from work at all - so I stopped!


I wish people would stop giving this advice!

My wife and I switched to a joint account on Facebook after the suggestion was made here - and then went on to carry on an emotional affair on Facebook under my nose with someone I knew! All while we were posting here on Marriage Builders!

Joint facebook accounts are really no security at all. If opposite sex friends or who/what you are viewing is a problem for your wife, get off of Facebook entirely. The world won't stop spinning just because you leave Facebook.

Yes, a big problem that you have in your M right now is that your H has his lovebank open to other women.

Not only is this incredibly risky behavior, it makes it harder for you to make LB$ deposits because he is comparing you to these other women and it is incredibly hurtful and uncaring.

It is critical that when you discuss this issue with him that your lovebusters are under control. You won't be able to solve the problem if you are DJ'ing him or having an AO.

It would make sense if he did though. From the beginning of this thread, she has given examples of her H ignoring her feelings regarding his interactions with other women. He has gone ahead and engaged in these OS relationships despite her protestations and concerns.

I don't think it is a coincidence that he left out the fact that this woman was there that is now messaging him.

That brings up a good point - was he transparent with you about the fact that this woman was there and that she was messaging him now or did you find out because you looked through his FB messages?

Is there anything else he has been dishonest about?

Yes it would. We've certainly seen it before.


Yep. All red flags.

I totally agree.

Have you told him yet?

What did he say?

No he was not transparent with me about the fact that this women messaged him. I found it when I decided to look at his facebook the day after she had sent the message. He stated that he had not even logged on to facebook that day and he did not know that he had received a message from her, but someone had to have read it because there where not red notifications at the top for new messages.

Yes, there are other things that I feel he has been dishonest about. He how ever feels that he was not being dishonest and flat out lying about things. He just never gives the full details about things. Or as he says, he said anything because he did not feel that he was doing anything wrong. Or he uses the excuse, at least I feel it is an excuse that I don't remember every little detail about things, especially if they are not important.

No I have not told him that I want him to end all friend ships with females. I guess I felt that it would be unfair to do that. Also when I have mention it in the past about him having female friends, he just tells me that I am over reacting or just being jealous. Which in return hurts and then I react by having AO's.

You, my dear, must learn to control yourself. What are doing to control your AOs?

You also must be RH that him having female friends hurt and you don't like it.

I just want to clarify....is this how you found out this woman was there that day when he was supposed to be with only the guys, by her message?

Agree.

This is an issue that you need to put on the front burner until it is resolved. Dr Harley encourages complaining in marriage.

Do you listen to the radio show? I believe Friday's show had a discussion about AOs, steps to take to control them and how damaging they are. Press "rebroadcast" to listen.

Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat in marriage.

You can continue to calmly and respectfully let him know that his opposite sex friendships put your marriage in danger and make you feel unsafe because he is allowing these women to meet his ENs (conversation, admiration and RC). Needs that he should ONLY allow YOU to meet.

I see that your H is posting here. Has he read the opposite sex friendship article that ML posted for you?

This was a tactic to make you feel like this is a problem with you and that he isn't doing anything that is damaging to your M. This is a tactic designed to make you feel like the problem is your insecurity (it isn't lost on me that this is the title of your thread) and has nothing to do with what he's doing.

In addition to SusieQ's excellent advice have you listened to this?
Anger Management 101

I am sure that I have been RH about female friends, or which female friends that made me uncomfortable. But I am also sure that the RH probably was during an AO as well.

I am sure that I am not doing enough for the AO's, but realizing that I having them as part of my defense and attack when hurt. I am also reading the Love busters book at this time. But if you have any suggestions about how to help me get my AO's under control then that would be great.

skyrim, my suggestion would be to stop it. As long as you have angry outbursts you will not be able to solve any problems. It is impossible to solve problems when there is anger.


Have you been radically honest with him about ALL opposite sex friendships? There is no OS friendship that is good for your marriage.

No, it was during conversation. He had to attend a training in Texas for two weeks for his job. He was telling me about one of the conversations that the class had while eating one day. About how the two females that where in the class where asking questions of the males in the class and going around the table to get their answers.

Now he was back home by the time he was telling me this story. When he had talked to me while still in Texas he told that the class went to eat out a couple of times. I assumed that it was for lunch. He never stated any different.

There where many other details of that trip that where left out or not told to me in any conversation until a there was a situation and I decided to snoop on his face book. That is when I realized he had more female friends that I even knew. When I was asking him how he knew each one of them she was in the list and he said she was in the class with him in Texas. I was up set but tried not to let it bother me because I know that other people do search others out on facebook. But since she facebooked him out of the blue like they have known each other for some great time, I started asking more questions and found out even more details about the trip that was not shared with me in the first place.

Do you have suspicions that he has cheated on you? Do you wonder about this?

I have listened to some of the radio broadcast but not that one so I will do that.

My H does have his on thread, and not I don't think he has got to read the article. We both where looking at it and have not finished reading it.

This....


.......... along with the fact that he has opposite sex friendships, would make most women very insecure. Your insecurity and jealousy is a natural reaction to being NEGLECTED in your marriage.

I feel like the most important woman in my husband's life. When we go out on our dates [4-5 times a week] I am the most important focus of his attention. He does not gawk at women and he certainly doesn't have any female friends.

We rarely ever travel apart and when we do, we don't go out with coworkers unless it is planned MANDATORY business event.

I think if you change your lives accordingly, your attitude will change and you won't be so unhappy and insecure. I am a very secure person but I would feel very insecure in the marriage you describe. It would drive me crazy.