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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=168539&Number=2744077#Post2744077

I have posted the link to my previous posts on the Surviving an Affair forum. As an update since I last posted, WH continued to cheat after our new baby arrived (who he delivered by accident at our home - which I thought would somehow change him and make him want to reconcile). I was wrong. I finally had enough, he was not willing to stop the affair, so I asked him to move out. He found an apartment and has basically chosen the OW over me and our two young children. In addition, I have spoken with his previous ex-wife as part of exposure and the reasons he told me for their divorce were apparently not true - it was due to his serial cheating and refusal to stop it in their marriage. I have also learned of additional cheating (with men) via Craiglist postings as recently as two weeks ago, even as he continues a "love" relationship with the OW. I have been diagnosed with cervical cancer due to HPV (who knows if it is related to his behavior or not). The separation agreement is almost completed and he is willing to do most everything to keep this out of court, including paying enough in child support so that I can continue to stay home with our children. I am thankful for that.

Finally, to my question. I am considering moving with our two young children (2 years old and 3 months old) to be closer to my family and my WH's family (who are very supportive of me). They all live about 5 hours away and I have no other family near me right now (only my very dear best friend). In addition to the emotional support I would receive, I also want to distance the children from their father - his values, poor judgment, and way of living. Nonetheless, I question this decision to move the children away from him. My two year old loves his daddy very much, hugs and kisses him, and I know my WH loves his children - just not enough to choose them over being a serial cheater. Will I do more harm to my children by moving or by staying? I honestly only want to do what is best for them (and for me, of course). Currently, he sees the children frequently and by moving, this would decrease significantly. Any advice would be much appreciated.

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Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=168539&Number=2744077#Post2744077

I have posted the link to my previous posts on the Surviving an Affair forum. As an update since I last posted, WH continued to cheat after our new baby arrived (who he delivered by accident at our home - which I thought would somehow change him and make him want to reconcile). I was wrong. I finally had enough, he was not willing to stop the affair, so I asked him to move out. He found an apartment and has basically chosen the OW over me and our two young children. In addition, I have spoken with his previous ex-wife as part of exposure and the reasons he told me for their divorce were apparently not true - it was due to his serial cheating and refusal to stop it in their marriage. I have also learned of additional cheating (with men) via Craiglist postings as recently as two weeks ago, even as he continues a "love" relationship with the OW. I have been diagnosed with cervical cancer due to HPV (who knows if it is related to his behavior or not). The separation agreement is almost completed and he is willing to do most everything to keep this out of court, including paying enough in child support so that I can continue to stay home with our children. I am thankful for that.

Finally, to my question. I am considering moving with our two young children (2 years old and 3 months old) to be closer to my family and my WH's family (who are very supportive of me). They all live about 5 hours away and I have no other family near me right now (only my very dear best friend). In addition to the emotional support I would receive, I also want to distance the children from their father - his values, poor judgment, and way of living. Nonetheless, I question this decision to move the children away from him. My two year old loves his daddy very much, hugs and kisses him, and I know my WH loves his children - just not enough to choose them over being a serial cheater. Will I do more harm to my children by moving or by staying? I honestly only want to do what is best for them (and for me, of course). Currently, he sees the children frequently and by moving, this would decrease significantly. Any advice would be much appreciated.
You must protect your children.

Do you have in your agreement that OW (and all Other OW) aren't allowed to be around your children?


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Moving away will be the best thing for you all. First off you will have the support of your family. And secondly, your H is a corrupt man who is not a good influence over your children. It is better for you to be in a stable, supported environment so you can be a better parent to these kids. You are ALL they have, after all.

I would also strongly suggest that you go into a dark Plan B. Are you familiar with Plan B?

I am so sorry you have cervical cancer. It is very likely related to his behavior. WE have had others over the years who discovered their spouse's affair this way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Yes, I have that in the agreement. Although it only covers the period of separation. After the divorce is finalized, almost a year from now, he is free to do as he pleases. Is this normal?

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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My own father was a serial cheater and a profoundly corrupt man. As a little girl I was taken to bars, to bookies, to parties, etc. As a young teenager I was taken bar hopping in Juarez, Mexico. I was exposed to all manner of corruption that left me morally confused well into adulthood. My father also taught me very weird, nihilistic worldviews that contributed to bad behavior in my younger days.

Corrupt people like corrupting others, even if it is their own children. You need to protect your kids from him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thank you, Melody. I feel like I know moving would be a good thing for us, but I just question taking the children away from their father. I understand that his decisions and behavior are what have led to this and that if he truly wants to be closer to his children, he can relocate to be closer to them.

I am familiar with Plan B. Due to nursing my newborn daughter and difficulty pumping enough milk, I have had a very hard time since he wants to see her. I am hoping that by moving a dark Plan B would also be much easier.

The cervical cancer has been quite a surprise. I am doing well but I think it has really made me realize that I AM all my kids have right now and I need to be healthy (mentally, spiritually, and physically) for them.

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Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
Yes, I have that in the agreement. Although it only covers the period of separation. After the divorce is finalized, almost a year from now, he is free to do as he pleases. Is this normal?
We've had many posters add it to their decree that the children aren't allowed to be around OW and or "romantic relationships". Get a lawyer that will fight and do what you want.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
The cervical cancer has been quite a surprise. I am doing well but I think it has really made me realize that I AM all my kids have right now and I need to be healthy (mentally, spiritually, and physically) for them.

That is the greatest reason to do this. And moving close to family would also allow you to go into a very dark Plan B because if he wants to see the kids, he could see them at his parents house. If he cares enough, he will drive the 5 hours to see them. But you have to take care of yourself FIRST so you will be strong for your children.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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When your kids get a little older you are going to have to work with them to undo the corrupt influence of their father. My mother was silent about this as she was really enamored with being "non judgmental." As a result I grew up without the ability to judge right from wrong. My earliest memories of my father were being taken to the "Top Hat" bar and to a motel to meet a woman. Very, very confusing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
The cervical cancer has been quite a surprise. I am doing well but I think it has really made me realize that I AM all my kids have right now and I need to be healthy (mentally, spiritually, and physically) for them.

That is the greatest reason to do this. And moving close to family would also allow you to go into a very dark Plan B because if he wants to see the kids, he could see them at his parents house. If he cares enough, he will drive the 5 hours to see them. But you have to take care of yourself FIRST so you will be strong for your children.
Yes this ^^^^^^^

Please take care of yourself. When can you move? I think it's wonderful your ILs are supporting you. I'm sure they will love to have their grandkids close.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you BrainHurts. My attorney is great and will put in whatever I ask him to add. We are in the final revision process now so that is good information to have. What if WH wants to remarry? How would the visitations then be handled? Would the kids not be allowed to meet the OW until marriage???

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Thank you both for the support. It is exactly what I needed. I can move soon. I am thinking of just renting out my current house instead of worrying about putting it on the market right now. My parents have been looking at rental houses in their small town and have several leads. Hopefully, in the next month.

Melody, your childhood with your father is exactly my motivation. I cannot imagine growing up like that and that is my fear for my children. To make matters worse, my husband was a youth pastor at one time in the recent past - which I think would only confuse my children even more ("How can daddy not practice what he preaches" kind of thing) and I have learned that he had boundary issues with some of the teenage females in the youth group (enough of an issue to be investigated by the local school system and be denied the ability to continue volunteer coaching at the school). I have learned so much this year, but these past two months without him in the house have made me realize my strength and do something I once thought impossible - raising my two children on my own.

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Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
Thank you both for the support. It is exactly what I needed. I can move soon. I am thinking of just renting out my current house instead of worrying about putting it on the market right now. My parents have been looking at rental houses in their small town and have several leads. Hopefully, in the next month.

Melody, your childhood with your father is exactly my motivation. I cannot imagine growing up like that and that is my fear for my children. To make matters worse, my husband was a youth pastor at one time in the recent past - which I think would only confuse my children even more ("How can daddy not practice what he preaches" kind of thing) and I have learned that he had boundary issues with some of the teenage females in the youth group (enough of an issue to be investigated by the local school system and be denied the ability to continue volunteer coaching at the school). I have learned so much this year, but these past two months without him in the house have made me realize my strength and do something I once thought impossible - raising my two children on my own.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this. With the protection of Plan B and moving away you will even become more strong. Do you have an IM? Can you go into Plan B before you move?

Ask your lawyer about wording it even after he's married introducing any of his OW to them. Make it strong.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
I have been diagnosed with cervical cancer due to HPV (who knows if it is related to his behavior or not). The separation agreement is almost completed and he is willing to do most everything to keep this out of court, including paying enough in child support so that I can continue to stay home with our children. I am thankful for that.

If I were you, I would do everything in your power to limit his visitations to only supervised visitation, IF AT ALL. Here is a guy who is not only a serial cheater, but probably also a sexual predator. Your husband has such a shady past that this should not be difficult at all. JediKnight has custody of his children and his ex-wife can only visit them 1x a week at a supervised visitation center.

You need to do everything to protect your kids from him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
I have learned that he had boundary issues with some of the teenage females in the youth group (enough of an issue to be investigated by the local school system and be denied the ability to continue volunteer coaching at the school)

This should be brought into consideration when visitation is decided. He is already a suspected sexual predator.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I agree that you should return to your family for their support as well as to distance your children from their father.

I would also add to agreement that your Wh is responsible for transportation both ways. Transporting kids is a huge deal and since he blew this all up and wants to keep it quiet you should make him do the traveling....

Or if it is feasible you could require that he only be allowed to visit the children for the day in the town you are moving back to. And supervised visitation might not be a bad idea.

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Originally Posted by sleeplessinnc
Thank you, Melody. I feel like I know moving would be a good thing for us, but I just question taking the children away from their father. I understand that his decisions and behavior are what have led to this and that if he truly wants to be closer to his children, he can relocate to be closer to them.

He is the one who decided to ruin the marriage/family. However, the court may have something to say about you moving. I would consult a lawyer. You may find that taking action before a legal separation may or may not be better.

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She shouldn't have any issues as long as she allows him visitation. The only time we have encountered problems is when a WW snatched the kids and wouldn't allow the BH to see them. The judge was so furious he told the WW to hand the kids over and go move her crap out of the family home.

It would probably NBC better for her to move first and then file for d at her new location.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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