That is one that occasionally switches places with FC. But we have always enjoyed a lot of the same things.

He sent me his changes and I told him go ahead and send the email. I thought about posting it here but I want to run it by him first.

According to Dr. Harley, usually when a spouse rates the intimate needs lower than other needs, it indicates that they are in withdrawal. This is why with couples he counsels he will focus on getting them to spend 15 hours alone together working on the four intimate needs, regardless of how they rated their needs on the ENQ. To build a truly romantic relationship there has to be the meeting of most or all of the four intimate emotional needs: recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment.

If your husband is depressed, say due to the job situation, that might make him feel less like having his needs met, which might put him in withdrawal.

If you guys sent that letter to Dr. Harley, I'll be very interested to see what he says.

I had read that in several forums and I was a little concerned. His response was that he loves me and feels very close to me but is just down and stressed and probably is showing the loving things less due to worrying. He called me his lifeline. In general he is sort of introverted, logical and solitary, but he always want to be with me. I am initiating affection a little more than he is right now, maybe because he has to work not to "pull in" when he is overwhelmed.

It is strange though because he always seemed to have the practical need high on the list. I am looking forward to hearing what Dr. Harley has to say.

What recreational activities do you do together?

What Love Busters are you guilty of? Him?

What are your top ENs? Is he meeting them?

What recreational activities do you do together?

We both enjoy music. I can sing pretty well and he plays the guitar and piano so we like to get out books and sing and play. Weboth like humor, so when we watch TV together we end up laughing and commenting on the same things. We take walks. We both like cooking so sometimes we do that together. We also both love movies. I never count the TV or movies as UA time though because even though we are both enjoying it we are looking mostly at a screen.

I would say my top needs are:
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Financial Support
Family Commitment
Intimate Conversation

The thing that has typically been hard to figure out is the SF because of his condition and low drive, but without being indiscreet there are ways for a couple to be creative. Even though he is in the job situation, I am not really feeling resentful about the financial support because he is a hard worker and is trying very hard to BE working again. I do know that as the months drag on it will become more of a stressor to me, though. So I am trying to stay aware.

What Love Busters are you guilty of? Him?

What are your top ENs? Is he meeting them?

Your husbands career will bounce back he is still young. I lost my last good job when the economy took a dump in '07. I have not been able to get anything near the level of that job. I am old enough where people do not want to hire me. It is frustrating to be short of money all the time. I finally started my own business. It has grown a little each year. I just keep plugging away in spite of always having to rob Peter to pay Paul.

When one stops trying one will not make progress. Similar in the way one does not dwell on the affair to move forward can not dwell on losing a job.

Thank you TheRoad.

I got interrupted before I could post lovebusters last night.

I still struggle with DJ's from time to time. I am sometimes guilty of presuming what his response to something is going to be. That is getting better. I went through a time when the kids were very small of having AO's but learned to stop those. I have a couple of habits that annoy him and I am working on them, but one of them in particular is tough because I don't hear myself doing it (making noise when I eat cereal lol)

His....well IB was a problem for awhile, particularly in some spending habits. That has stopped since we have to be so careful. In fact, he says that is a blessing of unemployment. He also has a problem with DJ's and SD's.

Second interview next week for him! Woot woot chuga chuga

In other news, he dug around and found our copy of Fall In Love Stay In Love and wants to start reading it every night during UA time.

Do you guys have Love Busters? I think you need to read that also.

What is he doing to stop his DJs and SDs?

Is he meeting your ENs?

Did you ever send off your letter to Dr. H?

I do think lovebusters would be helpful too. Don't they have some sort of sheet where you log LB's and then share them every week or something?

That is the challenge at least for me. I know complaining is good for marriage but I overthink "how" to say things in just the right way and I admit that part of that is because I am wanting him to respond a certain way. The weekly log would make it easier to just start talking about them. DJ's will be the toughest for both of us to stop I think. As far as SD's go, I am getting better at saying, "I cannot do that right now because I am currently doing X, but I would be very happy to do it Y."

He is very good about meeting most of my EN's. SF is a challenge still at times because of his condition, and some of that is because he feels bad that he is not able to be "typical" in that area. I have learned that when his need for admiration is really met well that he is not as apprehensive.

He did email Dr. Harley, but he sat on it for a couple of days first. That is a new thing that he sometimes has trouble with but I think it is due to being constantly preoccupied with getting a job and finances.