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Reminder: There will be some emotional fallout, for sure, but going through the process is therapeutic. Don't lecture him about not making important decisions while so upset - he himself will decide later what to do when he has calmed down and adjusted to these new revelations. Is everything exposed? Has his unfaithfulness been exposed to everybody else? Specifically, to your children?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Sep 2013
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We have not exposed to children. He doesn't want to do that.
Nobody on his side/friends/family knows about him. He is about to move out - and requested we say nonthing to kids or anyone else. I have to respect that decision at this moment.
He wants to leave at night and come back in the morning so kids don't feel anything. That is Ok by me. I still feel that he should try to first stay (we'll sleep separately) and act as friends. Then, if he finds it unbearable he can leave for a while. If he is still adamant about leving for a few days that is fine with me.
Last edited by crossroad; 10/01/13 03:12 PM.
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
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It started in June (affection from Feb), lasted through August (until I returned from old country). He is not in contact with her and promises not to contact her. He does not see her. We saw her once together, two weekend ago.
On my D-day to him 9/6 he texted her in front of me to be friends.
I checked his email and saw that he is not in contact. I trust him on that point.
I believe he is trying to come to terms with my lie. These past two months have been the most painful yet most beautiful for both of us.
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
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11, 9 ( turning today) , 4.5
there are small chances that we can negotiate anything about tellong our kids, though i think it is best.
i think he wants to weigh this for 5-6 days alone in his hotel room. to me a wrong decision but undrestand if he wants that. offer that be in our house. we'll see what he says to that offer. this would be without kids knowing he is spending nights away from home.
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Posts: 32
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He is insisting on leaving he doesn't know if he will return. I lost his trust completely and I accept that responsibility.
He said that the affair has lasted in one way or another for 7 years, while he told me the truth I didn't tell him and I lost his trust, and that is why he must leave.
I said - you are right, and offered to write an NC. I asked him to stay to prove to him that I have no contact with them (he knows I don't), that I am not interested in anything but our family. I offered all of my passwords, etc. (not the first time I offered). I expressed, withough pressure, that I am afraid that he will forget me during the time away - as he is used to being alone, and that I would like for him to stay, if at all possible, and I will not bug him.
Last edited by crossroad; 10/01/13 04:30 PM.
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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You need to tell the kids, in age appropriate manner, the truth. Dr. Harley even recommends telling as young as 4.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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He is insisting on leaving he doesn't know if he will return. I lost his trust completely and I accept that responsibility. Can you afford MB coaching? At least email Dr Harley? Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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You need to sit down and take full responsibility for your continued abuse and give him a MB plan for recovery.
You both need to make an integrated marriage and affair proof your marriage.
Are you willing to do the work?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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He wants to leave at night and come back in the morning so kids don't feel anything. I would snoop for renewed contact with her if I were you. He is at high risk for going back to her.
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He promised he has no interest in going to her but agree there is some risk especially if away. I want to present a full recovery - but how if he is not here or won't give me the time of day. I will prepare and ask for a date/time to do that.
We were (or he) rather was on a way to recovery, stopped by my TT.
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
He promised he has no interest Do not trust him. The fact that he wants to spend nights apart and doesn't want you to tell anybody about the affairs are both red flags that he's going back to her. His anger over your betrayal also puts him at high risk.
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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He promised he has no interest in going to her but agree there is some risk especially if away. I want to present a full recovery - but how if he is not here or won't give me the time of day. I will prepare and ask for a date/time to do that.
We were (or he) rather was on a way to recovery, stopped by my TT. crossroad, the risk is HUGE. And his promise is meaningless. Since the OW is 10 minutes away it is very likely they are still in contact. I would take a drive by the OW's house and perhaps even put a GPS on your husbands car.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2013
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he already separated our bank accounts
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Will you drive by the OW's house and see if he's there?
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 |
Who have you exposed his affair to?
Who have you exposed to on OW's side?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 32 |
He is here this evening for my Ds bday. Cooking and eating cake. He'l prob leave after. am writing many msg being compassionate, asking him to stay. Prob wont work. He can't srand me right now I can tell.
i promised not to tell anyone to him. ig i brk that it be over. nobody ftom OW side
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 |
You exposed your affair, correct?
You need to expose on his and OW's side. He is still deep in his affair and trying to use your affair as an excuse for his.
When will you be exposing this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 32 |
when kids go to bed - i can drive by. but what can I do - if he goes over there it is over. that is for sure.
Me W: 38
H: 40
13 Years, 3 kids
D-Day: 8/20/13 uncovered my H affair;
D-Day: 8/21/13 process of discover my H addiction online;
D-Day: 9/6/13 admitted to my 7 yr-ago A 1st OM, and 3 yr-ago one night stand w 2nd OM
Me NC: 1st OM 8/7/13; 2nd OM: day of
H NC: 9/6/13
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 |
when kids go to bed - i can drive by. but what can I do - if he goes over there it is over. that is for sure. Expose his affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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