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finah Offline OP
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Me: 30 Divorced, xWW out of the picture

Her: 26 never married.

Currently in a relationship (over 1 year)that I would consider serious, we have both talked about M.

The problem is.

One of her male friends from HS. Whom is several states away.

From what I gather they dated for a very short time in HS, typical HS relationship, No SF.

They have remained friends throughout the years.

When we first started dating they would sporadically talk here or there which she would let me know about. Maybe once a month.

Well he broke up with his g/f a3-4 months ago andthat sporadic talking has turned more frequent.

It reached a point where I became uncomfortable with it,call it a trigger if you will,and Iasked that the details of our relationship be kept private.



Now she has always been open and honest with me

But this situation has given me a moment of great pause.


As this is exactly how my xWW's A started.


The content of the messages on his end is completely inappropriate. Joking or not, I would expect her to put a stop to it or address it, but she always sidesteps the banter.


But I have seen how this story goes.


So I am not sure how to address this.


To me it's not fair to just end our relationship over this b/che is simplypining for myg/f,product of the dating world,but I certainly don't want to be dealing with this down the road orpossibly in M.



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Have you told her this friendship bothers you?

What does she say?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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finah Offline OP
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Directly, no.

Indirectly, yes, we had a discussion about this person and the pitfalls of sharing details of our relationship with him even in the form of asking for advice.

And she understood.

We certainly can have that "direct" conversation, but I am not sure what the right answer is from her or even the answer I am looking for.


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Finah,

Does your GF complain about you to her ex-BF?

Your GF might not be honest about the prior level of sexual involvement with this OM.

How did her relationships prior to the one with you end?

Does she lie about "trivial things"?

Does she seem mildly guilty about this communication?

I would guess your ability to snoop on GF is limited.

God Bless
Gamma

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Actually I look at this as an opportunity, an opportunity to learn more about your GF before making that big commitment.

You should practice Radical Honesty with her, and tell her that you are uncomfortable with her conversations with the exBF, even if it's only his side that is inappropriate/sexual. You can try to POJA a solution, whatever form that may take (ideally no contact, period).

And see how she responds - if she brushes you off as being controlling or insecure (like my ex did), then you'll know that you should expect this in the future, which really does not make her a good marriage prospect.

If she's willing to work with you to accommodate your concerns, then that's a good thing, and you'll both benefit.

Since you've been betrayed before, you know full well how these things start, and your concerns are completely valid. So talk to your GF honestly and directly, and see what you can learn about how well she is wired for negotiation and compromise.

AGG


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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AGoodGuy

You can try to POJA a solution, whatever form that may take (ideally no contact, period).


Honestly I would be satisfied with something as simple as "if this type of banter continues we can no longer be friends" and go from there.


But at the same time I just don't see the need for the contact to be so feverish.


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Originally Posted By: finah


To me it's not fair to just end our relationship over this b/che is simplypining for myg/f,product of the dating world,but I certainly don't want to be dealing with this down the road orpossibly in M.



Change the way you are looking at it. Wouldn't you be ending your relationship with her because she has poor boundaries?

There will always be other people with poor boundaries but it is how she handles those people that will protect your relationship and possible marriage.


Have you asked her to end this friendship which rightly makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: pokerface
Wouldn't you be ending your relationship with her because she has poor boundaries?


Essentially, yes.

Originally Posted By: pokerface

There will always be other people with poor boundaries but it is how she handles those people that will protect your relationship and possible marriage.


Which is what I want to see from her, how she handles it.

We have had previous discussions about "past lovers"

Originally Posted By: pokerface

Have you asked her to end this friendship which rightly makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe?



The conversation has started on that subject.

To me I don't think she fully understands the inherent danger in maintaining this opposite sex friendship.


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I have been researching Dr. Harleys views on dating for over a year. I have talked to him on the radio as well.

It is my understanding that one keeps their love bank open to others during the courting phase until both parties agree they are meeting each others needs the best. During the open process you both are working extensively to make sure you are meeting each others needs correctly.

If your girlfriend will not close her lovebank to this man it is because he is meeting an important need of hers. She will close her lovebank when you meet the need he is meeting. It is your job to work with her to find out what needs he meets and then you meet that need instead of him.

It demonstrates your willingness to care for her and in dating it should be a competition. It suits her to find many men so she can find the one that meets her needs the best.

Are you that man? If yes then it's your job to compete for her. Your girlfriend seems to be meeting your needs well because your lovebank is closed.

It is my understanding boundaries are a product of marriage. Before marriage one needs to do whatever is necessary to make sure they have selected the person who meets their needs best.

Keep in mind this works best when sex and/or living together aren't part of the courting phase. Otherwise you will never be fully able to compete because logic will be clouded by emotions that do not do a good job protecting you.

Last edited by HomeSweetHome; 10/02/13 07:16 PM.
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Originally Posted By: finah


Me: 30 Divorced, xWW out of the picture

Her: 26 never married.

Currently in a relationship (over 1 year)that I would consider serious, we have both talked about M.

The problem is.

One of her male friends from HS. Whom is several states away.

From what I gather they dated for a very short time in HS, typical HS relationship, No SF.

They have remained friends throughout the years.

When we first started dating they would sporadically talk here or there which she would let me know about. Maybe once a month.

Well he broke up with his g/f a3-4 months ago andthat sporadic talking has turned more frequent.

It reached a point where I became uncomfortable with it,call it a trigger if you will,and Iasked that the details of our relationship be kept private.



Now she has always been open and honest with me

But this situation has given me a moment of great pause.


As this is exactly how my xWW's A started.


The content of the messages on his end is completely inappropriate. Joking or not, I would expect her to put a stop to it or address it, but she always sidesteps the banter.


But I have seen how this story goes.


So I am not sure how to address this.


To me it's not fair to just end our relationship over this b/che is simplypining for myg/f,product of the dating world,but I certainly don't want to be dealing with this down the road orpossibly in M.


Why are you not using the POJA? That would take care of this issue quickly. You've been here long enough to know about the POJA. ? Her contact with him is (um...YEAH...dangerous - and is clearly something you're not comfortable with. So...again - why are you not using the POJA???


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Gamma

Does your GF complain about you to her ex-BF? No not in the slightest bit, always speaks highly of me, but she knows not to discuss our relationship in detail

Your GF might not be honest about the prior level of sexual involvement with this OM.It's possible, but I dug pretty hard on it and didn't see anything that would suggest otherwise than what she has told me



How did her relationships prior to the one with you end?They met online like we did, but it just didn't work out, it was a mutual decision



Does she lie about "trivial things"?No



Does she seem mildly guilty about this communication? Is this a trick question ? LOL. Perhaps some guilt, but I think it's more of, she feels bad b/c it hurt me



I would guess your ability to snoop on GF is limited.Actually not at all





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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss

Why are you not using the POJA? That would take care of this issue quickly. You've been here long enough to know about the POJA. ? Her contact with him is (um...YEAH...dangerous - and is clearly something you're not comfortable with. So...again - why are you not using the POJA???


We will use it, I just wanted some feedback before the conversation was initiated.


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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Gamma

Sorry Gamma I missed some before I hit send.

How did her relationships prior to the one with you end?

In order of most recent:

They met online, like we did, but it just didn't work out, it was a mutual decision. It lasted for a couple months.

They met through mutual friends, lasted about a year, she finally broke up with him due to his poor boundaries around women in which she suspected that he was cheating on her

Again through mutual friends lasted about two years before he had a baby with another woman.

Another two year long relationship prior to her moving from the state

A rocky relationship in college when she was there, was also a victim of date rape right before that relationship began.

Typical HS relationships before that




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I had an affair and lost my husband because of it.

She needs to stop this communicating with other guy. It is dangerous ground. I resisted the other guy in my life for 8 years. I believed I could handle his flirting , etc and my husband who would get angry about it, I would reassure with .. its harmless, just friends etc etc and then one day things were not good with husband , other guy happened to ring my cell phone and I picked up. I wish I never did. but I did.
Don't let your gf be in that situation.

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finah Offline OP
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That is certainly my concern.


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Originally Posted By: finah



Honestly I would be satisfied with something as simple as "if this type of banter continues we can no longer be friends" and go from there.


I'd propose this and see if you can PoJA something. If you can, then she can PoJA and she's marriage material.

You would also want your future wife to be good at smacking down advances, I would imagine. I don't think you are too impressed with the 'side stepping' technique.

Originally Posted By: finah
To me I don't think she fully understands the inherent danger in maintaining this opposite sex friendship.



Well there isn't any inherent danger because you two are not married. It's more a case of how well she can respond to your PoJA request, which is pretty reasonable. You're not saying she has to give up OS friends while you two are still both single, just that she take your feelings into account.

I'd ask her how she feels about OS friends after marriage though. If she really doesn't get the 'danger' she's likely to want to keep up this or similar friendships after marriage.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: indiegirl


I'd propose this and see if you can PoJA something. If you can, then she can PoJA and she's marriage material.


Which we were both able to do. I haven't had any issues using the POJA with her in other instances so I didn't expect that I would with this as well.

Originally Posted By: indiegirl


I would imagine. I don't think you are too impressed with the 'side stepping' technique.



I don't think it was a case of obvious neglect on the issue by her, but rather a lack of experience on how to deal with it.

Originally Posted By: indiegirl

Well there isn't any inherent danger because you two are not married. It's more a case of how well she can respond to your PoJA request, which is pretty reasonable. You're not saying she has to give up OS friends while you two are still both single, just that she take your feelings into account.


Which pretty much sums of my feelings about it.

Originally Posted By: indiegirl
I'd ask her how she feels about OS friends after marriage though. If she really doesn't get the 'danger' she's likely to want to keep up this or similar friendships after marriage.


We did talk about this a little bit and we both agreed.


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Sounds good to me.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.


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