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FTF,
Except for AD, all things OM could/would not supply.
From the descriptions you gave it sounds like OMs waning interest in sex with your W must have been painful for her, so I'm not sure she even got AD from OM.
God Bless
Gamma If that's the case, then how could she be "in love" with him? I believe the standard response would be that she is not interested in having her more intimate emotional needs met by me at this time which explains the lack of them on the current list. (IC, AF, SF) MERP! Hello? Earth to FtF... is RC #2 on that list? There are FOUR intimate ENs, and the one you forgot is RC! Also - don't get too wadded up over a few things here; her needs will change as you build up a balance. It is typical for a spouse in withdrawal or conflict to list non-intimate emotional needs as high priority. That's fine. Second, the four intimate emotional needs are to be met during UA time regardless of any rank on the ENQ (on the questionaire, it is CONVERSATION, in UA it is INTIMATE CONVERSATION). Be clear on that. UA time is not time to meet the needs for Domestic Support, or Financial Support, or Family Commitment, or Domestic Support. I don't care how sexy your speedo, spending 15 hours a week vacuuming in front of her won't cause her to fall in love with you.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I don't care how sexy your speedo, spending 15 hours a week vacuuming in front of her won't cause her to fall in love with you. My computer screen thanks you for the Diet Pepsi
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We got our time in this week. Spent 4 hours together just today. W is upset because our children are screaming. Said she just wants to get into in the car and leave. This scares me. I tried my best to relieve the pressure. Don't know what to do about it. I can't erase the children.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 09/29/13 07:59 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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Have you had a chance to discuss her reaction yet and come to any conclusions?
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Have you had a chance to discuss her reaction yet and come to any conclusions? I know it is something she is working on. Sometimes they just get to her with all of the whining which I can understand. But it a lot of times ends up in an AO from her. It makes me tense every time they start acting up because I know what's coming. When that happens, I try to step in and take over, but sometimes all they want is mommy and it frustrates her to the point of getting mad. We talked about it and she says when that happens, she really just wants to go out and get in the car and leave.
Me (42)
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We got our time in this week. Spent 4 hours together just today. W is upset because our children are screaming. Said she just wants to get into in the car and leave. This scares me. I tried my best to relieve the pressure. Don't know what to do about it. I can't erase the children. Have you heard this show about UA time? Radio Clip on Undivided Attention Segment #2 Segment #3
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We got our time in this week. Spent 4 hours together just today. W is upset because our children are screaming. Said she just wants to get into in the car and leave. This scares me. I tried my best to relieve the pressure. Don't know what to do about it. I can't erase the children. Having UA time will really help with this. Screaming children drive me insane, too. GEtting out on dates will alleviate some of this pressure. I am so happy you are getting out on your dates!!!  You do understand that the entire goal is to meet the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, rec companionship and SF, right? Please listen to the show that aired on 8-13 about UA. It explains how best to spend this time. It re-aired on Friday, btw, so it is on the feed right now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'll listen to it if I haven't already. But I wasn't implying that we were spending our UA time with the children. This all happened after we had arrived back from our UA time together Sunday afternoon.
Me (42)
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I'll listen to it if I haven't already. But I wasn't implying that we were spending our UA time with the children. This all happened after we had arrived back from our UA time together Sunday afternoon. I understood this. My point is that it is helpful that you are spending time away so can get a break from this. How old are your kids? What can you do to stop them from screaming? I used to send my boys to their rooms.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'll listen to it if I haven't already. But I wasn't implying that we were spending our UA time with the children. This all happened after we had arrived back from our UA time together Sunday afternoon. I understood this. My point is that it is helpful that you are spending time away so can get a break from this. How old are your kids? What can you do to stop them from screaming? I used to send my boys to their rooms. They are 2 and 6. There is no stopping the 2-yr-old. The 6-yr-old we can send to his room. But even then you can hear them screaming "MOOOOOOOMMMMMMY!" I know it drives her nuts. I don't like it either. I assume this is something a lot of people deal with when kids are this age. I'm just looking for ways to support her since she has FC and DS on her list.
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I'll listen to it if I haven't already. But I wasn't implying that we were spending our UA time with the children. This all happened after we had arrived back from our UA time together Sunday afternoon. I understood this. My point is that it is helpful that you are spending time away so can get a break from this. How old are your kids? What can you do to stop them from screaming? I used to send my boys to their rooms. They are 2 and 6. There is no stopping the 2-yr-old. The 6-yr-old we can send to his room. But even then you can hear them screaming "MOOOOOOOMMMMMMY!" I know it drives her nuts. I don't like it either. I assume this is something a lot of people deal with when kids are this age. I'm just looking for ways to support her since she has FC and DS on her list. Not that we are looking for sympathy, but my autistic son has been doing that to my wife for 30 YEARS. It still drives her nuts. The solution is to separate your wife from the irritation. It is a little easier for us to get away for short periods of time. We take half-hour walks frequently. I try to encourage my son to bother me rather than my wife, and I try to be supportive of my wife and not judgmental about how she deals with the frustration.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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FTF, we've dealt with a lot of screaming kids. One thing that I've found very effective is to tell them they have to go to (corner, their desk, their bed, their room) until they stop screaming. I peacefully make their world stop and tell them they can't get back to what they were doing until they are done with their fit.
When are they screaming? Is it at bedtime, by any chance? We found that super early bedtimes really seemed to be a benefit for our kids (and for us) at those ages. I took over 80-90% of the bedtime stuff once I learned to handle it (it was a lot easier when I learned to calm down and stay relaxed). I usually have to sit in their rooms until most of them are asleep, at least the very little ones.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FTF, we've dealt with a lot of screaming kids. One thing that I've found very effective is to tell them they have to go to (corner, their desk, their bed, their room) until they stop screaming. I peacefully make their world stop and tell them they can't get back to what they were doing until they are done with their fit. This is exactly what we do a lot of the time with the 6 year old. I always follow through so he knows I'm serious now when I warn him what is about to happen. When are they screaming? Is it at bedtime, by any chance? We found that super early bedtimes really seemed to be a benefit for our kids (and for us) at those ages. I took over 80-90% of the bedtime stuff once I learned to handle it (it was a lot easier when I learned to calm down and stay relaxed). I usually have to sit in their rooms until most of them are asleep, at least the very little ones. this particular incident was a little earlier in the evening. Not bedtime. The little one was just having a meltdown because she was frustrated with a game she was playing. A lot of the time though, they just want to lay on her. So she feels trapped on the couch under a little kid a lot of the time.
Me (42)
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Is she still keeping all of those kids after school?
It was suggested that you find an alternative to the income generated by that in order to give your wife a mental break.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Is she still keeping all of those kids after school?
It was suggested that you find an alternative to the income generated by that in order to give your wife a mental break. Well, she is watching two now after school. She didn't want to stop doing that until December. It will definately end when we move.
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We will be off on our Tuesday night date again tonight. We are going back to the same place again because we keep winning gift certificates playing trivia there.  That should be on the list of low cost date ideas: Find a place that gives out gift certificates for winning trivia, but has little in the way of competition. Last time, we won $15 just for playing!
Me (42)
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We will be off on our Tuesday night date again tonight. We are going back to the same place again because we keep winning gift certificates playing trivia there. That should be on the list of low cost date ideas: Find a place that gives out gift certificates for winning trivia, but has little in the way of competition. Last time, we won $15 just for playing! I like that. I don't know if we have any places like that out here but we may start looking.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Well scratch that. Our sitter cancelled last minute. I guess we will miss a day this week.
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<deleted> I need to quit complaining.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 10/02/13 03:55 PM.
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