That's an excellent point to raise with your H, Sky.

Can you give us an example of a touchy subject you discovered later? An example that can be used to explain what he should do in future?

Congrats to your father and you both, those where some huge hurdles to conquer.


Maybe that is it; maybe I don�t want it bad enough. Maybe that is why is feels so difficult. I feel like I have been in the conflict/with drawl stage for a while now. I just read last night in one of Dr. Harley�s Q&A articles that sums up how I have been feeling. The link is below to the article but here is that one paragraph.


"When that happens, the person gives up. He or she comes to the conclusion that the spouse will not change and that they must get used to the idea of living without care or consideration. Some of these people remain married for the sake of their values or children, but they remain emotionally distant from their spouses to minimize their pain. Others leave their spouses for someone else who has offered to meet their needs. Still others simply leave, because they find it less painful to be alone and out of the marriage than alone in the marriage."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html

There is one of the problems, he does not listen to me. Or at least I feel like he doesn't any way. Maybe I have not been asking in the right ways, because I have been asking him and telling him what I need from him with no results.

The LB area is one that neither on of us have mastered yet.

Sky, try this.

Give exact details of what you want from him. At the end of each week he should report his progress. Then ask you for your opinion on how he�s doing.

�Affection is one of my top needs. I would love it if each day you could give me a hug in the morning, when you arrive home from work and just before bed.�.
After the week is up �
�Mrs Sky. Affection is one of your top needs. This week I have focused on providing you hugs throughout the day, each and every day. I believe I�ve done exactly what you�ve asked of me. How would you say I�ve done? Should I be doing this more? Is there anything else related to affection I could be doing?�.
And then you respond.
You do the same for his ENs as well.

The same can be said for LoveBusters too. The key being the check-in. You hold each other accountable. You schedule check-ins so things don�t go ignored. These are essential to making progress. The M and its needs become the priority over everything else.

Sky I would start there. I understand you are keen to break the skin on the problems and get to the 'touchy' issues - but I would leave that alone for now.

Instead of trying to dig into the touchy issues, you and your H should just try listening and talking about simple things first.

Do the lovebuster exercise, do the PoJA grocery excerise.

Practice.

When you both feel safe and happy about your communication skills - get into the big discussions then.

Otherwise it's like trying to run without putting your shoes on.

Unless your H is dying to share his 'touchy' issues, I'd leave it alone until you guys have done some practice.

In the meantime ask him to do something simple and affectionate to reassure you.

For example next time he is stressed and clearly has something on his mind, perhaps he could kiss you on the forehead and give you a hug before you go do something else. Or perhaps you could just go out and do something distracting and fun together.

Ask him if he has any ideas of what he can do to avoid acting stressed around you.

indiegirl is correct, avoid touchy subjects until you have built up your lovebanks. For now, keep it simple:

1. avoid all lovebusters
2. schedule 20+ hours of UA time per week
3. keep it light and pleasant

Do you have the UA worksheet? Are you scheduling your time? UA worksheet

This makes sense.

Think about how it was when you first met, first started dating. I doubt there were many touchy subject conversations.

I suspect your time was spent enjoying one another.

More of that, less of the touchy subjects and judging one another.

From here, it's just confusing. First you say he shuts down, then you say he doesn't listen. That comes across as he can't get it right. He's supposed to be talking, except when he's not supposed to be talking and instead supposed to be listening.

Simplify. Have fun. Enjoy your time one with another.

Let me clear it up.

I have been told to tell him what I need from him. So I have but still nothing. That is what I mean by not listening.

Talking is when there are things and situations that have happened during the day that he should be sharing with me. Not me finding out through another source.

Are you saying that you are explicitly telling him what you would like and need and he is not doing it?

Please provide examples.

Something you've asked for that he just doesn't do.

Caution, things like, he's supposed to be talking is close to, if not a DJ.

Many things in the form of he/she should.... are just that.

I.E. he should talk more...
She should be less sensitive...

These are forms of DJs. They come across as if he/she would only do things my way, things would be better.

You can make respectful requests, not indicate that things SHOULD be done a certain way.

I have on some thing, I was very nice in doing so and making sure that I worded the phrases correctly. So I am doing something wrong or what he needs more time to think about it and process it ?

BUT, she should be telling him how it should done. If the goal is for them both to eliminate lovebusters and meet each others needs in a way that makes each other happy, she has to tell him HOW she wants that need met. Neither can leave each other guessing.

skyrim, what is he not doing that you would like? What is he doing that bothers you?

And have you scheduled your UA time for this week? Have you printed this out and made copies? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4508_tuaw.html

Just recently when it was suggested to me to tell him or write him a email or letter of things that I needed from him, I did that very thing. I was careful to make sure I phrase things correctly.

Example: Right now I need open and honest communication. So I said I would like if very much if you would inform me of things when they happen.

I also need affirmation, he never really gives me a compliment. He stated that he thinks them all the time. So I said I would really like it if when you are thinking those things could you share them with me.

That is only a couple of the examples. I will say that I have noticed the compliments being stated more often than before.

Also I am not saying if he/she would do things my way it would be better, or that he/she SHOULD be doing any thing. Only thing I am saying is with regards to MB and the advice I have received on here and what I have been learning from the books and the web site. I have stated nicely, but yet have not received, so now what?

Thank you MelodyLane, I was beginning to think I got it wrong again and was going back through my post and reply's.

Just keep at it, but more importantly, you need to be building up that love bank via UA time so he FEELS intimate with you. When you go out on your dates, you must be as pleasant as possible.

Have you made out your schedule yet? Is he giving you his undivided attention on your dates?

Because none of this will work if you aren't taking that step.

I do have copies, but this has been a real struggle for us. I am not trying to make excuses but with being stationed over seas in a small rural area, with not much around to do, having our son to consider, and the biggest one is us working thru the "looking" issue it has been tough. Seems like no matter what we have tried or done that the odds are stacked against us in that area. Here is why I say that. Seems like every thing we have tried to do there always seems to be some random female show up, and not just any female, but one with things to look at popping out all over. So then if he even looks to just see that there is a person there regardless of sex, and of course it is a female, then at that point I am done. All of the pain, hurt and resentment come flooding in, so we have to leave, and I become distant. So even if he is not looking, right now it still bothers me, because I am just reliving it all over again.

Understand. So the first step is to line up a babysitter for 3-4 times a week. Then start thinking of things that you would both enjoy.

One idea that comes to mind is driving to dinner in a remote place. Find a nice little restaurant that is in a town about an hour away. That will give you an hour each way of GREAT UA time. Then you have an hour in the destination. He is forced to give you his complete undivided attention the whole way.

Get out a fresh sheet and start penciling in some days and researching restaurants/destinations about an hour away. Start thinking of places you can go and make up a list of suggestions.