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Hello everybody.

PLEASE HELP.

I made a few posts here months ago and deleted them when it was not what I wanted to hear and felt I was bashed. I am sorry.

I am ready to learn and own my mistakes. My situation has spiralled out of control and I am at breaking point.

I am very much in love with my husband. I will do anything to have a chance at my marriage but am very very sure that it may be too late.

My husband came to this site over a year ago in desperate need of help to save our marriage. I cruelly did not give him a chance. I don't think he posts here anymore but this is the link to his posts so you can hear what happened.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...s=lovemybird&Search=true#Post2612974

if the link doesn't work his user name is lovemybird

A lot has happened since he posted. He has met another woman and moved her into his house with her children. He has been seeing me again for the past year and we have fallen back in love. Again I know I Have done the wrong thing by seeing him behind her back.

So I don't have to type it all again I am going to copy and paste the letter I have sent to Dr Harley and Joyce in hope they will respond.

You will get my take on everything that has happenned.

This is it:




Dear Dr Harley and Joyce

I am writing to you in the desperate hope you may have some advice to save my marriage. My life has fallen apart and I don't know how to get up.

It's quite a complicated story. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have a 7 year old son together. He also has children from his first marriage and I another child from my first relationship. We all lived together with all the kids.

We have been separated for nearly 2 years now. I had an emotional affair and spoke to another man over the internet which led to phone calls as well. I didn't meet the other man while I was with my husband. I moved out of the house and then about 6 months later I did meet up with him and we had a relationship.

My husband found out that I had the emotional affair and was rightly devastated and did everything in his power to win me back including reading your books and posting messages on your website forum. I did not give him a chance. I broke his heart completely and am not proud at all for what I have done.

While separated and me not living at our home, and when my husband had exhausted all means of getting me back, he was so lonely that he posted a personal ad on a dating site in hope for some companionship. He met up with a woman and they began a relationship. Shortly after he moved her into our marital home along with her 2 kids. She is separated from her husband as well and they are not divorced either.

Shortly after she moved in with my husband I ended my affair. I had been foolish and selfish in what I had done to my husband and my family. I realised how much I loved my husband and was ready to save my marriage and do whatever it took to save our marriage. Unfortunately it was now too late as his new girlfriend had moved in with her children.

My husband still loved me but felt he could not ask her to move out.

During the time my husband has been living with the new girlfriend, my husband and I have been reconnecting and sleeping with each other for the past year. We have fallen back in love with each other. I love him so much and just want a chance to save our marriage.

Last week he promised me it was definately over for good with him and the girlfriend and it was only a matter of time before she would be moving out. He has no courage to just stand up and tell her that he still loves me. He doesn't want to be the bad guy around her family and his family. He keeps waiting for her to leave him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

He has told me that he is not in love with her, and not attracted to her and should never have moved her in. I know my husband very well and I do believe this to be true. I do believe that he loves me very much.

After telling me that it was over, three days later he told me that she had begged for another chance with him and he gave in again and let her stay. He told me he felt sorry for her and couldn't kick her out.

I was so devastated at being lead on again that I confronted his girlfriend and got very angry at her. I should not have done this. I was feeling very helpless and desperate. This caused him and his girlfriend to have a big fight and he confessed to her that he had been seeing me for the past year behind her back.

I know how much my husband loves me, but he has now told me he no longer wants to see me at all or talk to me unless it is arrangements involving pick up or drop off of our son. He has now sent me a 'NO CONTACT' letter, the same one that you advise sending to the affair partner. He told me he loves his girlfriend with all his heart and that she is the best thing that has happenned to him. He told me we are to have no further contact. He told me that without my interference, he will rebuild his relationship with his girlfriend. He has told me he wants to settle our financial settlement and he wants to divorce me.

His whole family is involved and now hates me and his father has told me to stay away from him. His father told me that my husband will no longer be seeing me at all. They all love his new girlfriend and not me.

I know in my heart that my husband does not love the girlfriend at all. I know it is all a lie and he is doing it to save himself and do the right thing by her and he doesn't want to look bad around his family.

It hurts me so much that he has promised his love to me and then all of a sudden he has told me he wants nothing to do with me ever again. We had so many plans to get back together and restore and build and fix our marriage.

He did say to me only a week ago that no matter what happens he believes we are meant to be together and we will find our way back to each other one day no matter how long it takes. He said even if we got divorced we would find our way back.

I feel so hurt and alone and I am falling apart in shock that it has come to this. I know I did the wrong thing all over again by seeing him behind her back and it has all come back to haunt me.

I don't want a divorce. I love my husband with all my heart. I'm scared he will divorce me and marry her even though I know he is not in love with her and even though he promised he would not marry her.

I am so in love and desperate to fix our marriage. I will do absolutely everything I can to fix things but I fear things are beyond repair, especially since his family is so involved and keeping me from him.

I will do anything I can to win my husband back, because I believe in our love and our connection. I will wait for him as long at it takes. I will put any plan into action that you advise me if it means getting my marriage back on track.

At the moment I have been very quiet and have not responded to his no contact letter. I have not called or texted him as I believe this would not help the situation and he has asked for no contact. I will do absolutely anything to save my marriage. I want to spend our lives together. I know if we reconcile we can have the best marriage ever and make each other happy. I am hoping it's not too late.

I am grieving quietly and falling apart and trying to stay strong for our son.

Is there any hope for our marriage? I know deep down he loves me very much.

Please help me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my very long email. I thank you so much for your time and hope you will respond.


~~~~~~ So that is the long sorry story. I am falling apart in agony and helplessness. I now know how he felt when I had an affair and left him. I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused my husband and what I put him through. He was amazingly able to get through it and forgive me which I know I do not deserve. I will do anything in my power to save my marriage. I am scared. I don't want a divorce. I feel I may have to respect his decision. Even if we divorce I will wait forever for him. I will dedicate my life to saving my marriage even if it takes years. I will not give up on our love and making things right.

Thanks everybody.




Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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I am off to work for the day so will not be able to check in for several hours. But I will be back posting and posting and doing whatever I can to salvage our marriage. It may take years but I will dedicate my life to it. Thank you again.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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rocksolid, if he will end his relationship with the other woman, your marriage has a chance to survive, but if he wants to continue to enjoy both of you, that will be devastating to you.

You did not do wrong by dating your OWN HUSBAND behind the back of another woman that he is with. He is certainly within his rights to leave you over your affair, but not to go off and live with some other woman while still married to you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Will he write OW a NC letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Generally, men can pursue a wife and win her back over time.
However this does not hold true for women.
When a man is done and closes the door it is difficult to win him back.

I am confident Dr Harley will give you good advice.
I hope you included your phone number in your email to him so he can speak with you; if not I encourage you to email your phone number asap to him.

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Do you see a pattern? This is history repeating itself:

Originally Posted by LoveMyBird
LOL NeverGuessed

Mrs R, I think it would be a stretch to suggest I was having an affair on my first wife. We had separated for over 2 years, she had long since moved hours away and was living with another man long before I even considered dating again. Perhaps, technically on paper, but I wouldn't consider this to be cheating. And again with my current wife, this was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted nothing more than to be loved by her but she didn't want anything to do with me. She moved out before I started any dating and I never lied or was deceitful in any way.

Indiegirl, I don't see how you could consider it a revenge affair. When I started dating this woman, I didn't even know my wife had an EA. For me, it was more of a coping mechanism, a rebound relationship. I know it was the wrong action to take now and will be ending things with her. She has been single for 2 years and i have met her ex husband, so there is nothing dodgy going on there. I don't love her, I love my wife. I want nothing more than to be with my wife for every day of my life, always

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Thank you for your responses.

markos - he will not end his relationship with her. Now he has confessed everything to her he has ended it with me and told me wants a divorce. He is going to remain living with her and healing their relationship apparently even though he is married to me.

Brainhurts - No he will not write her a No contact letter. He remains living with her. He has written ME HIS WIFE a no contact letter and doing all the steps to end it with me.

Jedi knight - Yes I am sure Dr Harley will give me good advice. I am not sure how long it will take as I am sure he gets thousands of questions. Does every question get answered eventually or do some remain unanswered? Any ideas of a wait time?

So sad and wanting to get my marriage back. I will do anything and whatever it takes and no matter the time I will do it.



Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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They are pretty quick to respond and usually answer all questions. I would definitely write them.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi BrainHurts, Thanks for the info. I have already emailed and included my phone number. I copied the letter I wrote to them in my original post.

Thank you for being so nice to me.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Does anyone have any more advice for me. Please I am desperate.


I will listen and do anything I can.



Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted by rocksolid
Does anyone have any more advice for me. Please I am desperate.


I will listen and do anything I can.


I understand what you are feeling. Though I can not offer anything better then contacting Dr H. So sit tight. This mess has been going on for a long time. So it will not clean up that fast.

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Thanks TheRoad. I know it will not clean up fast. I am prepared to do the hard yards.



Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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I have organised counselling today. I am full of deep sorrow.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted by rocksolid
I have organised counselling today.
What does this mean? Are you organizing counseling with Dr. H? How are you 'organizing' this?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 10/15/13 09:06 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Hi maritalbliss

I have seen a doctor and got a referral to see a counsellor. I have called the counsellor and I have my first appointment next week. This is counselling for me to help me through this difficult time and get my life back on track in a good direction for me and my son and be the best mother I can be and learn from my mistakes and not to repeat them ever again.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 497
R
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It's definately over for good. He has chosen the girlfriend over me and remains to live with her and is going to divorce me as soon as possible. I saw him the other day at his work and I can't believe when I crumbled at his feet he stood there and did nothing and let my 7 year old son pick me up off the ground.

I was willing to do anything to repair our broken marriage.

I can't go on I am at my lowest of the low and hardly anyone on here is listening to me or replying.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
Joined: Nov 2010
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I'm so sorry for your pain. Can you get into your doctor for ADs?

Have you exposed his affair?

You need Plan B. Can you get into Plan B?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by rocksolid
It's definately over for good. He has chosen the girlfriend over me and remains to live with her and is going to divorce me as soon as possible. I saw him the other day at his work and I can't believe when I crumbled at his feet he stood there and did nothing and let my 7 year old son pick me up off the ground.

I was willing to do anything to repair our broken marriage.

I can't go on I am at my lowest of the low and hardly anyone on here is listening to me or replying.

Your husband was really hurt by you and you have to understand that just because you want him back you can't just snap your fingers and get him back. Both you and your husband just need to learn that you need to end one relationship before starting another. ***EDIT***

Last edited by Toujours; 10/16/13 02:36 PM. Reason: TOS: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts
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Unfortunately he was on here and seemed willing to do anything to win you back but at the time you chose your affair partner.
Instead of ending your affair you chose to separate and he got a girlfriend during this lengthy separation.
I will offer this to consider: He was spending time with you (and sleeping with you?) While with his girlfriend. So you must have been meeting some needs of his and its possible that if he has no contact wiyh you, he and his girlfriend will begin to experience conflict.

Dr Harley may encourage you to write him a letter expressing your deep regret at your actions and expressing your desire to work with him to create a loving healthy marriage.

I would write the lletter and wait a couple weeks before entering a plan B.

You should be hearing from Dr Harley soon. He usually responds within a day


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Originally Posted by BrooklynLove
Originally Posted by rocksolid
It's definately over for good. He has chosen the girlfriend over me and remains to live with her and is going to divorce me as soon as possible. I saw him the other day at his work and I can't believe when I crumbled at his feet he stood there and did nothing and let my 7 year old son pick me up off the ground.

I was willing to do anything to repair our broken marriage.

I can't go on I am at my lowest of the low and hardly anyone on here is listening to me or replying.

Your husband was really hurt by you and you have to understand that just because you want him back you can't just snap your fingers and get him back. Both you and your husband just need to learn that you need to end one relationship before starting another. ***EDIT***

This is very biased and obviously not MB advice.
This woman has come here for Marriage Builders advice on how to save her train wrecked marriage.
Her husband was hurt by her actions.
But that does not justify him goung out and getting a girlfriend. Girlfriends don't "help" betrayed husbands get over their wives adultery.
It just makes a bad situation worse.

The fact is, they are married and have a child.
Ideally, it would be best if they could remain married, commit to building a strong marriage and set an example for their daughter.
While his family may never support their marriage, they should be ashamed for suppoeting his adultery. Two wrongs do not make a right

Last edited by Toujours; 10/16/13 02:41 PM. Reason: removing quote
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