Thanks Indiegirl

So I should send the NC letter and straight to Plan B? I don't really see how I can Plan A when I don't see him.

I'll have to have a think about who could be my IM? Husband already seems to have one - sending his daughters boyfriend to pick up my son today. I will have to think of someone who can communicate with him via email.

I won't start any plans till I hear from the Harleys on Monday but am getting prepared and thinking what I have to do.

You're right Indiegirl about me signing the divorce papers. There is really no benefit so think I will just leave it. I really can't deal with that at the moment anyway.

I'd wait for Dr H's opinion because there are few things which are a bit different here. Just get prepared for a separation and get legal advice. Line up a possible IM.

I'm interested in what Dr H will say as it's not a 'true' affairage as they got together after you left, however it has ALL the features of an affairage. Deceptive, abusive, untrusting.

I'm sure there are other BS's who have had similar extra marital affairs after a separation. I would guess it's also fairly common for those BS's to cake eat, and play the spouse off against the newcomer, because they are not really over their spouse.

I don't think we see much of them here because many people don't regard that as an affair (in these sad days). I also think BS's like your H who doesn't hear what he wants to, (end your Revenge Affair) stop posting.

However I am sure Dr Harley will have seen this many times and will have great advice for you.

Didn't you meet your husband on an internet dating website while he was separated from his first wife? That's what he posted on his thread.

Indegirl gave you a lot of good advice. The best thing to do is to wait in DR H.

Are you fudging the facts? If so you were the OW and you are in an affairriage.

Hi TheRoad and JediKnight

No I didn't mean to fudge the facts. It was over ten years ago when I found out he wasn't divorced. I admit I was one of those people who thought that if someone was seperated then it wasn't classified as cheating. Of course I know now this isn't the case.

When I met my husband on the internet dating site he told me that he was divorced from his first wife. I had no reason not to believe him. They had been separated for years and living miles away so I assumed it was true he was divorced.

It was only about a year later when we were engaged and planning our wedding and his ex spilled the beans to me that they were not yet divorced that I found out. I confronted him straight away and he told me the truth. I was very hurt that he had kept this secret for me for so long especially since we were to be married and it was nearly the end for us.

He then got the divorce straightaway and she wanted it as well so signed immediately. I don't know why he didn't tell me straight up when we met. He had listed himself as 'divorced' on the dating website so I didn't think to ask for proof.

So yes I guess you can say that we did have an affairage. It was not something that I openly knew about though. By the time I found out we were about three months away from getting married.

This was all about ten years ago now. As I said back then I was one of the people who thought if you were separated then it wasn't cheating. It was a long time ago that I thought this, and marriage builders has taught me different. My views have now changed.

So maybe your WH hasn't changed so much. He was okay with dating you and lying about his marital status and now he's doing it again.

Are you going to get yourself into Plan B?

Hi BrainHurts, I am starting to make my Plan B. Just waiting to see what Dr Harley has to say. I'm scared he is going to tell me that is over and I have no chance.

When in Plan B, what should I do if I run into my husband at our son's sporting lessons? Smile, act like the better option? Or completely ignore him?

Once you're in Plan B you will have complete NC from your WH. You may have to go to alternating days for your son's events.

Isn't OW still married? Have you talked with her BH?

Hi Braninhurts

Yes the OW is also still married. I have no clue who her husband is, don't know where he works or what his name is.

My husband has only told me limited info like that he was an alcoholic and she suspects that he may have cheated on her.
My husband said that she hates him and yells at him all the time. I don't know why they still aren't divorced?

Apparently they've been separated for a while and when she told him she was moving in with my husband he was very upset and crying about it.

That is all I know. She has kids with him and the kids are now living with her and my husband 50/50 and their father has them the other half. I know she has little contact with her husband and doesn't talk to him hardly at all unless it's regarding the kids.

I have no other information

I think you need to spend your energy in finding the BH. He could be a good advisory in breaking up the affair.

He can also help expose on her side. I wouldn't believe anything OW or your WH says about their marriage. It probably is all untrue and made up from OW.

So how can you throw a wrench into their affair? You know OW's name, correct? Have you done a background check? It should give you her BH's name.

I hope you included this info in your email to Dr Harley as it may affect his advice

Locate that poor man and share all the information you have. I wouldn't be surprised that the OW is stringing her BH along like your husband is doing to you.

Hi everyone

I don't think I would be able to find the girlfriends husband. I have googled her name but find nothing. I don't think there's any use me exposing her because all her family and friends know that she is living with my H, and they all condone it. I know this because my husband tells me that he's met all her family and friends and they all love him and are happy for her that she has met such a great man (my husband). They all know she is living with him and he is separated from me.

And her husband knows they are living together too.

No one basically cares what she is doing!

My son is so angry and upset at my husband. He's angry because my husband has not seen him all week only briefly this morning when he is so used to seeing his dad 50 percent of the time. What kind of woman demands that a father not be able to see his son because of me?

My son really hates the OW now and doesn't want anything to do with her.

I am the one now doing everything for my son and my husband is not helping out AT ALL. He was always so involved with EVERYTHING regarding my son and now my son is suffering. I fear this will ruin my son and his dad's relationship. I feel so sorry for my little boy. It breaks my heart to see him so sad. At the moment he doesn't even want to see his Dad because he is so upset with him.

RS, I think I understand now why this relationship looks like it is an affairage. It is one!!

Dr H has said relationships began during separations don't have all the hallmarks of an affairage. Its the deception of a spouse that makes them that.

The description she gives of her BH is EXACTLY what a WW would say.

I wouldn't pay any attention to what your H has told you about everyone loving him etc. They may not have the full facts about him. He would also want to deter you. Don't you find it strange he mentioned this at all?

Can you get hold of her BH and exchange information between the two of you?

It's good news if it is a full affairage because it won't last.

But you haven't spoken to him. Are you seriously taking your Hs word?

Hi Indie

No i haven't spoken to her BH. I really don't know how I could do this because I don't even know his name, where he lives or anything about him.

My husband and the girlfriend were both separated when they met on the dating website and not divorced so guess that they are in affairage you are right. Is that classified as full affairage?

So you say it won't last but I thought someone on here said that sometimes they do last according to Dr Harley?

Are there any statistics as to how many last?

I have a dilemma. My H is taking my son to school tomorrow. I always go Monday morning to go to my son's assembly.

I still want to go to assembly. He relies on me to go.

Do I wait for my H to drop him off, wait till he leaves the school grounds and then go to assembly so I don't see my H?

Or do I go in when he's dropping him off and see my H? I know H will be alone and it may be my only opportunity just to see him and tell him I love him. I am hanging so much just to see him and look him in the eyes.

I haven't gone into Plan B yet and I just want to see him so much because I am so in love with him and missing him like crazy.
Can I do this as one final ditch effort before I go into Plan B?

Or should I just back off?

Until you are in Plan B, you should be in Plan A

Do not appear clingly or start crying at his feet.
Dress attractively, wear perfume and be formally polite