Thank you JediKnight. I'm scared he will get angry that I turn up as he told me he wants NC.

Another really ridiculous stance from your H. If he was REALLY implementing NC, it is his job to enforce it and make sure he doesn't run into you.

I take it more as he knows where you are and turns up on purpose. He wants excuses to get angry so he can demonise you.

I will be in lifetime NC with my XH and I would not leave it up to him to respect what I want!! i wouldnt purpsefully go somewhere he is likely to be and then blame him for breaking NC. I wouldnt blame him for anything, it's up to me.

More and more his behaviour appears like that of someone who betrayed you and is trying to make you the bad guy. How long was it after you left the house they got together; a week? I smell a rat with that story.

Isnt it the same as her name? In the UK we have public reocrds which shows you where people lived in different years and who they lived with. Can you access information like that were you are? Some people have said Intelius is good. Use her name to find his name.



It's the thoughtlessness and selfishness of deceptive affairs that is the undoing of the affairage relationship.

No it may not have started as a true affairage (although it is quite likely that it actually did) , but you're forgetting he did juggle you both for a period. I would say that qualifies it as an affairage. Dr H may give you more insight.

About 95 per cent of affairages end in two years after NC from the BS.

I'd go along with this. If he scowls at you, smile and if he is rude just walk off. He wants to see either desperation or to provoke your anger, so I would just be maddeningly cool.

If you are cool enough you will see that his behaviour is actually quite ridiculous.

Hi Indiegirl

While we were still living together and I was ready to move out,he put himself on the dating site. He did it in front of me before I moved out. He said it was his last ditch attempt to get me to stay.

I really feel terrible for the pain I caused him.

I believe it was only a couple of weeks after I left that he met with her.

In the end I know it's all my fault for having the affair and leaving in the first place.

I feel like H is already Plan B'ing me. He sent me an email that was nearly word for word what Dr Harley suggests in SAA book.

He's doing a good job in having no contact with me, absolutely refusing to have any communication face to face or via phone. He told me that his girlfriend will be putting tracking device on his phone so she can see where he is at all times and all texts and emails will be shown to her.

How do I Plan B when he is already Plan B'ing me!!

I think i will Plan A for a short time and then go to Plan B. Unless Dr Harley suggests something different.

I hate the fact he is treating me as the affair partner/lover and treating her like his wife when she isn't his wife!

BINGO!!!! I knew it was an affairage. He is behaving just like a WH. Affairages begin selfishly and as an affront to the M. I remember describing it as a Revenge Affair to your WH on his original thread. He weasled out of that description by saying he was separated and didn't know about your A.

However it is clear he started snouting around for an OW to punish you before the marriage ended and for revenge. He is still punishing you imo.

There is no excuse for that. While your A was terrible and painful and you should own THAT, you should not accept responsibility for his reaction. There are plenty of BS who do not do what he is done and is doing.

In fact I have never seen such cruel punishment from a BS. But that's what hapens when you go wayward.

Believe me he is not.

I have done Plan B and it requires integrity and self respect. It requires high boundaries around members of the OS. It requires a high respect for marriage.

I NEVER would have punished my WH with my own extra marital affair. Or by shacking up with whomever I could find online with no respect for marriage either. That is completely abhorrent.

He most certainly would not get any guidance here for THAT. If you allow us we can coach you into a true Plan B.

I'd be prepared for anything when you see him as I think he is dead set on punishing you. He may bring her to rub that in your face. If anything gets too much, smile and leave, ok?

Why won't you do a background check on the OW like I suggested? Check court records to check their marriage?

It should give you her BH's name.

Here.
Affairage Radio Clips

You do not have many options. So why are you not moving mountains to find the OWH?

There are internet sites that charge a fee. Worth the fee to expose to OWH. Just because your BH/WH claims things about the OW you can not believe him.

If that draws up a blank. Then hire a PI.

You are at a big disadvantage. You have very little to use left in your arsenal. Yet you will not try to use the best thing that you have, exposing the OMW.

Exposing the OMW may not work.

Though it is a guarantee that not exposing will not help you.

I want to stay in Plan A for a while.

This morning I went to my son's school to attend his assembly as I do on a weekly basis. I am a part of the school community and my son enjoys me coming. I won't give this up.

My husband came and dropped off my son. This is the first time I have seen him on his own since everything blew up last week.

I felt so good and confident within myself. I was wearing my husbands favourite dress and had his favourite perfume on. He looked at me and I gave him a big smile and he smiled back at me.

He had so much love in his eyes for me and he told me he missed me. I kept smiling and had chit chat with him. He told me I looked good and I said So do you with a big smile on my face.

I did not mention anything about OW or our current situation.

I remained very strong and was not emotional and did not do any love busters. I remained calm and smiling. I felt so confident. I know that he loves me.

I told him that I will be there every week for our son's assembly which is the day my husband will be dropping our son off. He said okay.

I am 90 percent sure that he will not tell the girlfriend that he saw me today.

When he left I said to him ' i am here if you need me' all done with a friendly smile on my face. I was very composed.

If I see him next week I will do the same and smile and look fantastic and be the better option.

I feel great today how strong I was.

I think he would have definately noticed the change in me today and been thinking of me after he left. This is good right?

The OW is probably love busting and making demands of him but I am going to be the strong and happy one.

Did I do the right thing? I felt I did. I actually felt very powerful.

Make sure not to remain in Plan A too long. Three weeks is the maximum for women.

You nailed it in my opinion you did well. The fact that he won't tell her is what will be the undoing of his affair. Lies, demands and not being radically honest and practicing the POJA is the death of all relationships. Pay a site on the internet for a background check on POSOW. You will have a address, phone number of POSOW's husband. Then do a background check on him and voil�! Get all your evidence make copies and expose! Exposure is part of plan A.

I don't understand exactly what I'm supposed to expose to the OW'S husband? They have kids together so he knows where she lives and what she is doing.

Am I exposing that my husband and I have been seeing each other behind her back for the past year? Try and get him on side to break them up?

I really can't afford to get a PI and in my country it is hard to find things out just by googling it

I already searched online phone directory but don't have a clue what town he lives in. I couldn't even search the marriage records as it only allows you to search historical records no later than 1962.

I don't feel strong anymore.

Once again kicked to the kerb and don't know what to do.

After my husband wanting NC he rang me today and said he had a missed call and was wondering if it was me.

I said no it wasn't me.

We got into discussion and he told me that he sees no way of us ever being together in the near future.

Kindly told me that his whole family hated me and he doesn't see how I would ever be able to change their minds and they are a big influence in his life.

He told me is trying to make it work with OW and has slept with her this week.

I am soooooo devestated and out of control I don't know what to do.

He said he's in love with me but cannot find a way that we will ever be together again.

When I saw him this morning I had hope. I saw the love in his eyes. Now he has broken my heart all over again.

I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless.

I told him I would do anything I can to get our marriage back and he said I could try but he doubt it would work.

I told him I was doing MB and that I was going to talk to Dr Harley and he laughed like he couldn't believe it.

I told him he was having an affair and he said 'Well yes the people on marriage builders would say that'. I said I am still your wife and you are having an affair. He said I know Dr Harley's books say that but none of my family see it that way.

I said to him 'You used to believe in Marriage Builders and Dr Harley's book' And now you are just making excuses.

I think my marriage is over. He told me he actually enjoys the OW company but never told me cause he didn't want to hurt me!

And then he said to me 'I admit it. I am a cake eater'.

He never used to be a cake eater when he was with me. Our love was special and true.

I am so devestated and feel like giving up. His family obviously hate me and would not allow me to come back. What's the point anymore!!!

I keep trying to convince myself he still loves me and when I saw him I could see it in his eyes. But I'm starting to doubt it now.

So low now. I feel I'm back to square on. How do I go on and keep trying?

My heart is breaking all over again. I told him it shouldn't be up to his family and he said they have a big influence and will not allow me back :((

Can you get a PI to track him down?

In your shoes, I would simply say you want to know how his marriage ended and if it involved adultery to his knowledge. Then tell him what facts you know of. Tell him the stuff being said about him and say you didn't buy it.

This woman is going to be around your kids, so get a PI to do a background check.



FIRST rule of dealing with waywards: NEVER BELIEVE A WORD THEY SAY.

He is purposfully controling his family with lies. That could change whenever he wanted it to.

This was just his chance to kick you and beat you down. He wants to live with OW and for you to wait patiently and desperately on the sidelines.

Did I not tell you he was going to try and punish you again?

You need to get your Plan B prepared asap, you can't keep taking this type of abuse and remain well.

While I think you did GREAT calling him on his hypocrisy, you should have walked away.

You can't educate a drunk and you should not be watching his addiction at its ugliest and worst.

Hugs.

What a scumbag. You see how affairs change people?

The next time he calls up for a 'missed call' or other excuse, say this:

"I'm not really in the mood for a chat with OW's boyfriend. If you are calling as my husband you can put the NC letter to her in the mail and I might consider talking to you then."

I think you've done enough Plan A carrot but not nearly enough Plan A stick.

And get into Plan B pronto.

Rock, this is so clearly a REVENGE affair.

He got her specifically for the purpose of inflicting punishment on you.

While in Plan A, he will continue to cake eat and punish you.

But in Plan B, when you have utterly disappeared, she will just turn into a very useless revenge tool. There's no point owning a knife when there is no longer anyone to stab.

In your plan B letter (which you should copy OW into), I'd raise a little hell between them.

I'd say 'when you called me out of the blue to talk about us on xday morning it was too painful for me to endure. You even said you wanted to go on having two women to cake eat with. This is why I have changed my phone number'.

I'd also say: "When you complimented me at school on xday afternoon, it hurt deeply while you remain in your affair. You will not see me again until your A ends".

Throw a grenade into the A and disappear.

I so agree with Indie.

Let OW see that her Prince Charming is a cake eater. If she has any sense (and she might not....) she'll kick him to the curb. Maybe then he'll sober up.

Love the comment "throw a grenade into the A and disappear". Great advice.