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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159
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Hi all,
My STBXW and I have been separated since I discovered her year-long affair 15 months ago. She moved in with OMPOS, but has since broken up with him and is now lodging with a friend (of hers and OMPOS) - along with her son/my (ex?)stepson, DSS13. WW now claims she is sorry, and is broke, and would like to have a "reasonable" settlement with me, especially in respect of our daughter, DD8, who has remained living with me.

(DD8 has been great - a lovely chatterbox of a trooper :-) - but I have since had a cancer scare and major surgery, and am working hard at winning new business for my modest consultancy.)

I invited WW (aka STBXW) to name a sum, and she replied tonight with a figure that I believe I can handle. However, I don't want to reply with acceptance until we have also agreed the non-financial aspects. And that is where I need your guidance/perspective/wisdom: what are ALL the angles and aspects that need to be covered? I can think of Residence, Term-time Day-to-Day Contact, Term-time Weekend Contact, Holiday Day-to-Day Contact, Holiday Weekend Contact, Special Contact, Major Decisions. As you might guess, I cobbled that list together. Is there anything (else) I should add or remove from the list?

For the record:
1. Residence (done: STBXW is happy for our daughter, DD8, to live with me)
2. Term-time Day-to-Day Contact (almost done: DD8 will continue at school local to us. STBXW lives 90 mins away from us, but occasionally works at a client 45mins away from us)
3. Term-time Weekend Contact (almost done: when STBXW gets a place of her own large enough to accommodate that, DD8 will spend alternate weekends with STBXW)
4. Holiday Day-to-Day Contact (not done/help needed: STBXW is a habitual all-night raver, borderline alcoholic and consumer of so-called "soft-drugs")
5. Holiday Weekend Contact (not done/help needed: STBXW is a habitual all-night raver, borderline alcoholic and consumer of so-called "soft-drugs")
6. Special Contact (not done/help needed re eg Father's Day, Mother's Day, parents' birthdays)
7. Major Decisions/"Moral clauses" (not done/help needed)
8. Maintenance (almost done/help welcome: I won't be asking her for maintenance for DD8. I did not legally adopt DSS13, so am not obliged to pay maintenance on him)

The plan is for us to agree all necessary points, set them down on paper, then for me to have them captured into legal format and file an uncontested divorce petition. We really want to minimise legal fees - especially as we are in broad agreement so far. I just want to nail this so we set everything down on paper all in one go.

I originally posted this on the Surviving an Affair space/forum: please reply here if most appropriate. Many thanks,
Igi


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Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
Joined: May 2009
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If STBXW has an income, you ought to get child support.
Your child would appreciate it.
It is her right to be further supported by.
Use the support calculator.

Joined: Jun 2008
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Igi,

You said you were planning to see a solicitor this week...did you? The laws in the UK may be very different from the US. You should speak to a solicitor sooner rather than later to make sure you have all your bases covered and to understand EXACTLY what your rights are (as well as WW's so you know what she can hit you with). I would imagine that a solicitor would give you some literature, check lists and worksheets. Does the UK have a standard order for you to work with?

Can you get full custody? Full physical custody? The type of custody you get is important. Does the UK consider the best interest of the child? Can her drug use be used against her? I would not want my child with an alcoholic, drug user...even for a weekend here and there.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: May 2012
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@BR: Yes, I did see a solicitor last week. He advised that:
- I can get custody (not in doubt, as WW left DD in my custody in the first place and is not asking for custody);
- I am not legally obliged to pay maintenance on DSS (although someone else has asked me to double-check that!);
- I can in fact ask WW for maintenance for DD (although I may decide to NOT do so as part of the negotiation of a concession to a swift and reasonable settlement); and
- he can help formalise our agreement and file divorce documents without having to charge for advising me or us - i.e. in case WW & I agree on our own.

I am awaiting his letter setting all this out in detail: there was a lot to take in, even with me taking notes etc.

@Reading: Thanks. Are you in the UK? Do you know of a good source of a complete/full/definitive list of aspects to cover in an out-of-court agreement? (Like my list above, only more "professional"...) Also, do you have a URL pointing to the "support calculator" that you mentioned?

Thanx,
Igiiroko


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
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Be sure to include visitation transportation responsibilities. With an unstable NCP it is often advisable that if she wants to see her/ get her for the weekend that she be responsible for the transportation both ways. You might negotiate that in exchange for not asking for Cs from your ww.

My WXH and I negotiated the custody and visitation on our own. I ask for and got sole custody, which is very important. It means (in my state anyway) that I get to make all decisions for our son regarding education/medical and religious.

I also listed out very specific religious events that I was always to have ds.

Joined: May 2012
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Thanks, @SW. Interesting point re transportation: the (so far informal) arrangement with WW was that we would drive to her one weekend, she would drive to us the next, etc. In practice, we have driven to her on our appointed alternate weekends with 90-100% regularity, and she has driven to us on her appointed weekends with perhaps 10% (and dwindling) regularity.

For a while I would drive DD to WW when WW pleaded that she couldn't afford to come, but I don't do that any longer.

Am I right in guessing that "in exchange for not asking for Cs from your ww" means "not asking for money etc.."?


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Posts: 6,108
Igi,

I am still unclear if the UK has a standard custody order or not. I live in TX. This is just a sample of what a standard custody order in TX looks like...it is NOT all inclusive but will show you what is written about holidays, periods of possession, etc.

http://www.robertslegalfirm.com/downloads/spo.pdf

It serves as a starting point and can be modified as needed. It is a huge time and expense saver as far as most of the legal language is already there so a person isn't trying to come up with their own wording...which may not be sufficient and clear. A poorly written decree can come back to haunt you.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159
Thanks, @BR. That doc is indeed a good starting point.


----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by igiiroko
Thanks, @SW. Interesting point re transportation: the (so far informal) arrangement with WW was that we would drive to her one weekend, she would drive to us the next, etc. In practice, we have driven to her on our appointed alternate weekends with 90-100% regularity, and she has driven to us on her appointed weekends with perhaps 10% (and dwindling) regularity.

For a while I would drive DD to WW when WW pleaded that she couldn't afford to come, but I don't do that any longer.

Am I right in guessing that "in exchange for not asking for Cs from your ww" means "not asking for money etc.."?

Yes, she does all the transportation and you don't make her pay child support. She will see that as a win. And if she continues on her current path it is likely that she will see dd less and less---when that happens you won't have the burden of taking your dd to her moms not knowing if mom will be there or not.


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