Thank you for your heartfelt post, Pink! I will look into the emotional needs questionnaire. H and I have always had the yin-yang issue in our marriage about his physical needs and my emotional needs. At this time, I would just really like to have the opportunity to work on our marriage. Not sure how/if I could get past this, but we have children and a pretty good history. I've always held my H up as a man of integrity (I don't give this title lightly). Just don't have a clue what happened to him.

IWS, you should do the questionaires when you are in recovery and working on reconciliation. The best plan for you now is plan b.

Of course, the questionnaires are meant to be done with two partners in recovery, but I found it useful to complete the Needs survey from what I felt was my H's perspective way in advance of recovery. I feel that after I did this I had new insight into at least the two years prior to the affair and I know that when we did speak, from that point on, I sounded like a person who might one day meet my H's needs, instead of someone only focused on their own unmet needs, which was what I had been doing for about a decade.

IWS, You know your H isn't going to be happy long term with this girl. You identified sexual needs as an unmet need for your H and that can be a pretty strong lure away for a while, but it isn't a man's only need and if you think about the other needs (companionship, intimate conversation, family commitment, etc.) she doesn't have a chance in the world of keeping up with and satisfying the needs of a man twice her age. It simply isn't possible. He may decide to find another, more suitable, woman in time, or he may come back to you...you just need to be ready for their eventual break up.

Have your ever read the novel Revenge of the Middle Aged Woman? It's an entertaining (slightly uplifting) story that closely mirrors our own. I read it in May and really enjoyed it.

Be strong.

Iwillsurvive, don't get distracted with questionnaires at a time when you need to be in Plan B. That is a needless distraction at a critical time in your ordeal. You are not in recovery, and when and if you do get to that point, you should have your husband fill out the questionnaires. But until you are there, the most pressing issue is getting into Plan B.

Everything else is a distraction until that happens.

It occurred to me last night that I am loosing feelings for WH. I'm just sort of numb. I can only imagine our time apart (he moved out the end of May) is doing the same to what feelings WH might have had for me... that I'm just becoming a distant memory and being replaced with OW. Even our kids don't get much from WH. S17 goes to have a meal with WH once every 10-14 days - always back within 45 minutes. S14 hasn't spoken or seen WH in over two months. It seems we are all just fading to background.... how peaceful for WH.

Don't lose heart IWS!

I felt the same way when H was gone (from Jan. to June 1). My H didn't see our kids for more than two hours total in all this time. I had no feelings...totally flat-lined where he was concerned. Intellectually I wanted to work on my marriage, but I didn't feel it. I think that's normal.

Your H is probably still thinking of you and comparing life with the OW to life his family. That is what they do; that is what you or I would do in the same situation (if we were ever immoral and stupid enough to find ourselves in such a situation!) Know that his new life has to compare poorly for a long while before he has the breakthrough moment to return (and/or leave her). Unless your H and the OW are very unusual, I can't imagine that is not taking place right now.

Does your H know you will take him back? I found my H knowing this was very powerful.

I am not trying to give you false hope, just that this younger woman scenario is very common and rarely lasts. She either gets sick of him being an old fart or he can't stand having nothing in common with her, or both. If he wants you or if he wants to go out in the world and find someone else when that day comes is something you might be able to influence. Maybe not, but I think it's worth trying.

I doubt things are peaceful for your H right now. For you, yes! But he is not in the same peaceful place (home, with kids) as you are.

To hear my H relay this time for himself it was all full of turmoil. First there was the demands of a new relationship (after being in a settled relationship for so long, this can be a shock), then all the uncertainty of living in a new place, all the negativity he received from people, then finally the dissatisfaction with the relationship, the guilt and the animosity from his kids. When I ask him about this time he just shakes his head and says it was so stressful.

It won't hurt to give it a few more months (holding out hope). At least then you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could (and your kids will see it too, which I think is a good example for them in stark contrast from the example they are getting for their other parent!)

xo

WH took S17 out for dinner tonight. S17 returned with a couple of our favorite cookies from a particular fast food chain for me and S14 from HW (remember S14 isn't speaking to WH). Crazy thing is the same gesture was done 2-3 months ago that sent me into having crocodile tears. My reaction tonight? Meh... going to take a WHOLE LOT more than that to make things right between us.

How's it going?

Thank you for asking, BH!

meh... hard to get a pulse on how things are going. I am definitely stronger with every passing day, but still wishing we could somehow apply the brakes.

Have been giving thought lately to one of my WH's favorite canned phrases. He has frequently thrown at me that I'm in denial about how our marriage was. Not sure if this is to make him feel better about his choice to leave our marriage without attempting to work on it, or if it's possible that we could have been living two entirely different experiences in our marriage.

He will not admit to the affair, even though I've been pretty specific about a few things (not all) that I know and it should be obvious to him that I KNOW. He won't tell me how long the affair has been going on, and most concerning, he won't tell me if she is the first; questions that I asked him point blank, repeatedly (for those of you about to jump on me for not sticking to Plan B - these have been past conversations, nothing recent). My gosh, if she's not the first, what did I miss along the way? I'm convinced that I caught him in this one fairly early, though I'm certain they've been having an EA for nearly a couple of years. Ongoing EA with another office co-worker as well. I just had so much confidence in myself, in our marriage, that I didn't think he would ever do something like this.

Part of me also wonders if there is just enough moral fiber in him somewhere that he knows, from appearances, that his relationship with this kid half his age just looks BAD. He has always cared about his appearance and, IMO, has cared about what others think of him.

I'm sad that regardless of what happens, I will NEVER, EVER AGAIN be able to enjoy a carefree, sort of naive kind of love. I will never again have the luxury of being able to have complete trust in my partner ever again. Scarred for life.

I HATE THIS! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS!

Do you have any contact with him at all or are you in a dark Plan B?

Plan B... though I'm finding that it's not necessarily helping me to keep any 'love reserve' for him; as of last night thoughts have become more that he doesn't deserve me. I don't think he would have it in him to do the necessary work anyway to rebuild, so I think it's time that I'm just DONE with him.

Do you work with him?

BH,

WH and I both work for the same University, but not directly with one another. WH and OWC (other woman child) work directly with each other.

I drove my kids an hour to see their Grandmother (my MIL) last night. She hasn't seen the kids in over four months, as WH hasn't made the effort to invite them along when he has made the drive multiple times (S14 wouldn't go with him anyway). It's amazing to me how she skirts around anything that might shed light on the poor decisions that her son is making. She chose to stick her head in the sand about marital infidelities in both of her now ended marriages, and now continues to do the same concerning her prince of a son (when I told her that WH is having an affair and that I have absolute proof or I would not be revealing to her, she said, "He told me that he's not having an affair." I can't imagine living life this way.

Anyway, I printed out a few 'light' affair proof items, in addition to this article. ***edit*** I handed an envelope to her as we were leaving, saying that I had some reading material for her to consider, or to just throw it away if she chooses. Not sure which one she will do, but I have a feeling that if she chooses to toss, she will at least glance over prior to and see the images of the OWC (other woman child). I don't imagine the OWC would be a welcomed guest in MIL's home anytime soon. This is important to me, especially with the holidays rapidly approaching.

MIL has been in my life since I was a teenager. She has always said I was the daughter she never had. She has been through this infidelity crap in her own marriages. I really thought that if anyone would show empathy for what the kids and I are going through, it would be her. I've learned to not expect much from her any longer, but it hurts. I've done nothing but love and care for her son. He is bonded tightly to her and she could be the ONE person who could possibly get through to him, but she chooses to not involve herself.

BTW, in addition to providing proof to MIL last night, I exposed to some of the OWs friends on FB. OWs friend list is private, but I was able to find a photo of her with 4 friends that ironically my WH took back in February. I hate that FB separates private messages from friends vs. 'other'. Not one of them has opened the message yet. Sigh....

Don't know about the rest of you, but I have felt like a full-fledged detective for the past few months. It's really amazing what one can dig up on another individual if you know just a few things.

Can't you pay $1 to put it in their inbox? For a while you could if oyu were on a PC. I read my "other" box about 2x a year.

I didn't know that was even an option? I have a Mac and posted the messages from it last night. Will look into while on PC tomorrow at work. Does anyone else know about this option? Is it still available?

One just opened the mail 1/2 hour ago. My heart is pounding.

IWS, did you ever write and send the Plan B letter? You had previous conversations about it and were hesitant because you thought your WH would laugh.

I urge you to follow the plan MB has established if you really want a chance to R your M. If you find excuses not to do one of the suggested techniques, your M will probably end. If you implement the suggest techniques, you stand a chance to R your M.

I did not do some of the suggested techniques early on and looking back may have actually contributed to the A thriving now for over 3 years.

Exposure, Plan A, Plan B, Plan B letter, 180, GAL, etc. are all tried and true methods. We as BS are in a fog and need to listen to the advice of those who have already gone through this experience. I hear you saying you want to R your marriage, but your actions don't follow.

Fear kept me from implementing some of the techniques. I didn't want to make my WW mad. Meanwhile, she is living with the OW having the time of her life. I bought into her emotional blackmail. I finally got to the point where I was no longer afraid and did what I should have done a long time ago. I took back my power. She doesn't have power over me anymore.

Once you can get to that point, you will be able to see clearly and do what is needed in order to have a chance to R your M. Your WH has you right where he wants you. You will be in a much better place when what he says to you no longer matters. Once that dynamic shifts, you will be able to stand up for yourself. Be strong!

Why do you say this?